A warm blanket

01 26 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

To say the last few weeks have been rough. . . well, clearly, that would be an understatement.

Last week, I shut out the entire world and just curled into a ball and tried not to die. This week I was forced to go back to work and interact with other human beings. That hasn’t been easy.

Then, a huge decision presented itself to me, just when I thought I couldn’t handle one. more. thing.

Of course, we always think we can’t handle things, but we handle them just the same. We eat our elephants one bite at a time.

Yesterday I realized how much I have to be grateful for. On Tuesday, I had great conversations with my sister and my dad. I had a good, clarifying call with Michael. On Wednesday, I went to Therapy (even though I really, really didn’t want to), followed by a wonderful conversation with my best friend of 16+ years, Cara. I am so lucky to have so many people to talk to; people who know me and can help make decisions (especially when making a decision is the last thing I want to do).

After therapy and talking to Cara, I decided what to do about my housing situation. In fact, what they said (coupled with conversations with my dad and sister) just made so much sense I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I am going to move back into my old condo.

This isn’t a decision I have taken lightly in any way and I am the type of person that once I decide something, that’s just it. Many people have said to me that I should consider moving and just having a fresh start. And I took that advice to heart. It was something worth considering. Ultimately, what it comes down to is my need to stand still.

With all that has happened in the last year, moving into my condo will be comforting. It will be like going home because it IS going home. Where I live now has never even felt close to home. Moving back into my condo, with things just so will feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I know I won’t live there forever, but I can live there for a time and, I think, heal a little bit. What’s more, it’s a place I have lived with The Gray. I wasn’t looking forward to moving to my first home without her. Now I won’t have to just yet. This is almost the opposite of the change that I dread so much. It’s not change at all.

I have no illusions that it won’t be hard at first. It will be. But I believe I can move on from that.

I am ready to stand still.

Category:

family, Good Stuff, How did we get here?, real post

Big Decisions

01 25 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

3 Pokes

I don’t know what word I would use to describe my relationship with Michael now. “Friends” feels like too strong a word. But we don’t hate each other. We talk on the phone semi-regularly. He called to check on me when he found out about The Gray. Still. “Friends” isn’t it. I don’t have a word.

I talked to him today. I told him about the fact that I have to move. 

Then…then he offered for me to move into our old condo.

Yeah. That happened.

There are a lot of pros. I LOVE that place, obviously. Love, love, love it. It will be easier on the grays. Landon will [hopefully] not go too crazy, since it was his home for 5 years. I can stay in the community I love. I can continue to walk to work. The rent is the same or cheaper than places twice as far away.

Those are some really, really good reasons to move into that place. And all the reasons not to do it are . . . hypothetical? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Basically, all the reasons not to do it are things I can’t know until I actually do it.

Like how it will feel to move all of our stuff back into the exact same spot, like the last year never even happened.

Like how I will feel staring at the book case Michael built for me with his two hands.

Like how can I date someone and bring them back to a place I built with an ex; a place we made with “love” and “forever”.

Like how every day might feel like I am just waiting for Michael to come home.

I don’t know. I may never feel those things. I may feel them constantly and they may never go away. I may feel them for awhile, but then they’ll fade. I have no way of knowing.

I don’t know.

I love Michael, but I will never, ever get back together with him. Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me. It’s not something I ever think about. It’s not something I want. I just don’t want my emotions to trick me into anything different. (Though, it takes two to tango and, clearly, Michael doesn’t want that, so I shouldn’t worry about that too much)

I have to decide by Friday.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get harder…life laughs at me.

Category:

How did we get here?, real post, TNT

The Cure for Pain*

01 21 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

Comments Off

I miss Michael.

I don’t miss him in the “oh, I love him so much, I wish we could get back together” way. (For the record, I do love him, but I have no wish for us to get back together)

I miss the way he knew me. The way only someone you are in a relationship with can know you. Someone who sees you day after day. Someone you can’t hide from because you share a 700 square foot condo with them.

People don’t understand. Most people don’t feel about their pets the way I do. Michael, for seven years, saw me with The Gray. He fully understands how huge she was in my life. When I told him, I could hear him crying, but trying to hold it back for me. Despite everything, he always knew how to take care of me. He had infinite patience for me. Had.

I feel lonely in a way that friendships can’t fix. Siblings can’t fix it either. Those relationships aren’t the same; they can’t be the same.

I miss The Gray. I miss Michael. I miss things that can never be mine again and I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I have no idea what to do.

 

*Title from The Cure for Pain by Jon Foreman

Category:

disasters, grays, How did we get here?, Miscellaneous, music, sad lou

Then there were 2

01 17 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

5 Pokes

Her favorite place to sit

Did you ever wonder why I named my blog “Gray?”? When I lived with my dad, The Gray would run into a room while making a tinkling little chirp. After awhile, whenever we said “Gray?” someone would imitate that sound. I still do that now (much to my friend’s embarrassment). I am not 100% sure why I settled on that for a blog name. Probably because it always made me smile.

Today I had to put down my best friend of 15+ years. Stormi Witch Renfro is what I named her, but she ended up being known as “The Gray”. She has been with me through all the hardest parts of my life. I got her when I had just started high school, so you know that’s true. Together we moved to Connecticut, then Seattle (by way of Minnesota for her) and 4 different homes once we got there. To be honest, I am happy she won’t have to suffer through another move since she hated moving almost as much as me.

It’s funny how similar to me she is. She is the perfect example of pets looking like their owner or vice versa. We didn’t look the same, per se (I think we had similar eyes), but our personalities were a spot on match. Hard, tough exterior, but a ball of love to the right person.

I loved that cat. Loved, loved loved. I am a crazy cat lady. My world revolves around the cats. The furniture in the house is arranged to the cats. My life and when I am supposed to be home each night is based on them eating. I have not gone on trips with friends because it would be too hard on my cats. And I am fine with that. The may be “bad” and lazy, but they give me so much happiness.

I knew this day was going to come. In fact, I knew yesterday that something wasn’t right and this may be it. And it was peaceful. And I got to hold her. And she actually felt calm (vs. how she normally acts at the vet). And I know deep down I made the right choice.

I always forget that the right choice, so often, doesn’t feel very good.

_________________________________________________________

One time, during the time we were remodeling, my alarm went off, as usual, and, as usual, Gray came and snuggled right into the crook of my arm for morning love. I pet her and kissed her (and almost fell back asleep). When I finally got up and went into the bathroom, I saw that my lips were completely black.I touched them and some of the black came off on my fingertips. I started freaking out. How in the hell were my lips black? I was fucking sleeping. So, I make Michael get up to exam me.

He does and is just as perplexed as I am. He gets a wet cloth and washes it off. He asks how I am feeling. Fine. We are puzzled. Finally, I get in the shower because, what else am I going to do?

As I am getting dressed, Gray comes over and wants to play. I start to wrastle with her and soon realize the palm of my hand is black. I pick her up and Michael and I exam her. Now the black is coming from her. Once again, no idea what is going on or why. I have to get to work, so Michael agrees to bathe her.

Later that evening, I get home, still baffled by the black stuff. Landon comes over for love right away, but Gray is no where to be found. Thinking she is still mad about her morning bath, I look for her in all her warm spots. Not there. As I am wont to do, I begin to panic. I have no idea where she is. I begin to call her, begging her to come out.

Suddenly, I hear some movement. It sounds like metal clanging against itself. I look over just in time to see The Gray crawling out of the wood stove. Apparently, that was her new hangout. Since we were still remodeling, we hadn’t gotten to cleaning out the stove yet. So, all the black was soot.

Yeah. That’s how the Gray cat rolled.

Of course, mommy? Mommy made her take another bath.

_________________________________________________________

Category:

disasters, grays, How did we get here?, Is it just Grays?, pictures, real post, sad lou

Stand Still

01 13 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

3 Pokes

It’s different for most other people. It’s an annoyance. It’s a lot of work. A lot of money.

I see it in their face when I tell them. They cannot comprehend why there are tears in my eyes.

A different person, a different year, a different life . . . I would feel the same as them. I would have the same confusion as they do. It shouldn’t be that big a deal. But for me, it is. It’s soul crushing.

I was told this week that our lease would not be renewed. Nothing against us, mother-in-law, blah blah blah. The reason why doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I have to move.

I have to really move. I have to leave the little community I’ve called home for 7 years. I have to give up walking to work. No more big freezer (the 24 hour grocery store 50 feet from my door).

When Michael and I broke up, I got “custody” of our community. I left our condo, but I refused to leave the location. When I first moved in, it felt like destiny. I found this place. It was mine. Moving out of our condo was made so much easier because I didn’t have to leave the community. It was infinitely easier on my heart.

It’s too much. The last 9 months are too much. Too much loss. Too much change. Too much pain.

I just want to stand still for a minute.

I want to feel a moment of comfort or safety or security.

I am exhausted. Bone weary. Every time I start to feel OK, something else changes, someone else leaves, everything breaks.

I miss the days when I could say to people “Nothing new. I’m boring. Same ole, same ole”

Every year I think “Finally. Finally there will be a year of calm, a year of happy” and every year (for YEARS now) I’m wrong.

I’m wrong.

I’m tired.

I’m homeless.

I’m back at the beginning. Again.

Category:

disasters, GNN, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou

A small list: 2011 movies

01 09 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

Michael and I loved going to movies. That’s why I have always seen so many each year. It’s why I haven’t seen much this year. That, plus the rule where he and Heidi each got 3 picks of their kind of movies is, obviously, no longer in affect.

About half of the movies I did see weren’t even in the theater. It was at home, once they came out on HBO. At least I had a Gray on my lap

To be fair. After perusing the list of movies that came out this year . . . wasn’t so great in my book.

So, my yearly summation of the movies I actually saw that actually came out in 2011 with, of course, my important opinion of each.

Abduction: This is not a “Jeni” movie. However, some amazing musicians I know-Hot Bodies in Motion-had a song on the soundtrack and in the movie and we couldn’t miss a chance to see it played on the big screen. I would say it was worth it. Don’t see this movie. But, do buy the soundtrack :-)
Bridesmaids: It’s not that it wasn’t funny. It really was. And I LOVED all the Wilson Phillips. It’s just that . . . watching someone’s life hit rock bottom kind hit a little too close to home. I probably cried as much as I laughed.
Cedar Rapids: Um . . . not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what I go. This was a strange film and not in a good way.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: This my favorite movie of the year. It may be in my top 10 favorite movies ever. I loved, loved, loved it. I laughed, I cried, I saw Ryan Gosling shirtless. What more could I want?
Everything Must Go: I have an undying love for Will Ferrell. He is hilarious. When he did Stranger than Fiction, it was different than his other movies and I loved it. I thought this movie would be in the same vein. It wasn’t. It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t call it good either.
Hall Pass: Ugh. I saw this on HBO a few weeks ago. Joe and I just left it there because it came on after something else we were watching and both of us haven’t seen it. I wish I would have just poked my eye with a Q-Tip instead. I would have had more fun.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2: Sigh. Bittersweet. In more ways than one. As a purist, I didn’t like some of the changes they made. However, over all, they did a great job of ending the series. If anyone every tries to remake it, I’ll kill them.
Horrible Bosses: Loved this movie. Thought it was hilarious.
Just Go with It: Another movie we saw on Starz, just to see. Meh. I love how Adam Sandler just makes movies just to make ‘em these days. No thought to the fact that they are garbage.
No Strings Attached: This was one of Heidi’s 3 picks for the year before she left. Despite the fact that Ashton Kutcher is in this movie, I didn’t hate it. I woudn’t own it or anything, but I’d watch it on F/X if I was bored.
One Day: I LOVED this book. Lucky for me, I had enough distance from when I read the book and saw the movie to not hate the movie. It was hard for me to get on board with Anne Hathaway. Sometimes I love her in movies, sometimes not.
Our Idiot Brother: I’ve said before, Paul Rudd can do no wrong in my eyes. This movie is pretty quirky, but I really liked it.
The Debt: Meh. Interesting enough to watch.
The Dilemma: I couldn;t even make it through the whole thing, it was horrendous. Then, stupid Joe, he wanted to watch it when we were in Minnesota, so I got to see the ending. This movie isn’t worth the sentences I just wrote about it.
The Hangover: Part II: Bleck. Why must Hollywood ruin everything? Couldn’t the first movie just be awesome and stop there?
Young Adult: Yeah. We saw this when we were in Minnesota and basically the best parts of this movie are Patrick Wilson and the fact that people in the small town call Minneapolis the “Mini-Apple”. Otherwise . . . cliched, predictable and boring.

Movies I wanted to see, but, for whatever reason, didn’t:

50/50
Beginners
Hesher
Martha Marcy May Marlene
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
The Adjustment Bureau
The Ides of March
Your Highness

A little sparse, huh? I guess I did make up for my lack of movie going by going to more shows than I can recall. And that was fun. Maybe this year, I could do both?!

What was your favorite movie this past year?

Category:

jenisays, Miscellaneous, music, real post

The year that wasn’t

01 05 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

I have started and stopped about 15 posts in the last few months-5 of them were just in the last 2 weeks. Whenever I think I have something to say, it gets lost after just a few sentences. Save as draft. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I have desperately tried to find the words to describe my year. It’s been quite a year. I have been disappointed in myself for being unable to find my words. There is so much to say, so much that has happened. Yet, I have no words.

I finally decided I have to forgive myself and let it go. Because maybe I’m just not that girl anymore. After this year, I’m not a lot of things I thought I was. Writing that last sentence just made me cry. That’s one example of the changes I’ve been through.

Right here. Here is where I always get stuck. I may have realized that it has less to do with words and more to do with what happens when my mind begins to wander over the events of the last 12 months. It’s all so overwhelming. Such a hopeful start I had. I feel sick reading that. I miss her. I miss what I thought 2011 was going to be.

Next Wednesday I have my first therapy of 2012, followed by friend-date night with Kristen. We’re going to work on shaping what we want our 2012 to look like.

Maybe I’ll find some hope again. Maybe this time it won’t be lost.

Category:

disasters, How did we get here?, Miscellaneous, sad lou