Next month, it will be 2 years since Michael and I broke up. Somehow, that time feels infinitely long and yet, very, very short.
It surprises me that I feel like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. It surprises me because I am completely over him and I did not feel that way the day after we broke up. Still, 2 years feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. I am sure much of this has to do with the fact that I still live in our condo. Or that Michael and I still talk and text. Just, you know, him being in my life. As 2013 passes (I am sure much too quickly), many of the reasons we communicate will no longer exist. And soon it will be 3 years since we broke up. Soon, before I know it, we will have been broken up for longer than we were together. Isn’t that something.
Conversely, when I think of the things I have done in the last 2 years-the life outside of Michael and that break-up-I feel like so much has happened. My brother moved here and then moved to Austin. I made friends with some amazing people. I have strengthened friendships I already had. I’ve lost friends. I started living a life here in Seattle congruent to the life I always thought I’d have here. I fell in love with Seattle music and it has swept me up and held me close and made me feel alive in a way I have never known before.
I am happier than I have ever been.
I would be remiss to leave out that a lot of that has to do with therapy. I have had to learn to redefine things. I have had to learn how to rank my friendships so that I am not hurt so easily. I have had to learn to acknowledge the good things that happen. I have had to learn to acknowledge myself. And while I want to say here, on my blog, for all 2 of you to see, that I have come so very far, I also know, because I have come this far, that I have so much further to go. I am happier than I have ever been, but I have a lot of work to do to be completely happy with my life; with myself.
I think my biggest challenge this year will be living life in suspense. It’s very hard to feel like your life is moving forward or that you are moving forward, when so much is temporary. I have to find a temporary home to live in before I move to Austin. I can’t really date (if I wanted to, which, I can’t say if I do or not) because I am moving. I spend much of my time and money doing too much-trying to grab moments and friends and soak them up before I leave. Not that I regret or don’t want to do those things, but if I wasn’t leaving, I might spread them out a little more vs. spreading myself too thin. Running myself ragged; feeling like I am always missing something or letting someone down. I might be able to find a balance. Instead, everything and everyone is going out of business. I imagine my first few months in Austin will be spent sleeping.
Still, I am happier than I have ever been.
And that is something I have to remember; something I have to acknowledge.