Passions on top of passion

For the record, that title is from some SATC episode. I wish I was cute and clever and could write like Michael Patrick King-before he got all greedy and started making stupid movies. I digress.

Today, my sister said to me “I’m afraid that there may come a time when I’m asked what my passion is and I won’t have an answer anymore”.

I don’t have an answer anymore. If we don’t consistently work on our passions, do they go away? If I would have stayed in Connecticut, teaching children’s theatre, would I still be passionate about that? I’m not passionate about it now. I don’t feel some pull bringing me back or any sort of regret. But I don’t know what my passion is. I’m not passionate about my job. If anything, I am angry about my job. I don’t feel like I know how to explore what my passion might be.

This is such a common life topic. Besides me and my sister, I know a few of my blogger buddies are contemplating the same thing in various forms. For so many people, our jobs are a means to an end-houses, kids, vacations, etc. We work, often at jobs we hate, so we can do what we love in our spare time and/or have those dreams (that yard with a white picket fence). The problem is, we’re too tired in our spare time to focus on things we love to do or enjoying that house. We don’t have time to take our vacations. I don’t have time to figure out my passion.

I would gladly trade the money I make to be happy and in-love with what I do. There are 2 catches-1) I have no idea what that may be and 2)I’ve made my choices. We have a place we love, that we can’t afford without my salary. [Before Michael lost his job] we go out to dinner whenever we want, we see every movie that looks good, I buy as much new music as I want, new clothes, new shoes, gifts for my friends-it’s a good life. We save a lot and we pay down our debt (granted, much of it’s from Michael’s choices, not mine, but I have certainly helped accumulate that debt). But, in order to have that life, I have to spend 40+ hours a week choking on my misery.

Harry Potter: “They’re going to kill him?”
Hermione: “No. It’s worse. Much worse. They’re going to suck out his soul.”

I would gladly give up much of those things I mentioned, if I could. But I can’t get out of a mortgage. We would be screwed. I can’t make the debt go away. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no options and everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out. And much like my sister’s fear, I don’t know what my passions are anymore. I feel like if I at least had any inkling, I would have something tangible to work with.

I don’t know how to find my passion. I am just hoping I do before there is no soul left.

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Stars in my eyes

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself-Switchfoot

It’s been a busy week. Challenging, as well. Last night, I really had to push myself to go to the Post Secret event. I knew I’d be waiting outside for hours, in the cold, alone. Ed decided to go to work, since he couldn’t get me in and my pals decided not to go, since there wasn’t a strong chance of us getting in-which I completely understood. However, it turned out to leave me feeling very lonely and vulnerable. It wasn’t that situation alone-this week, I’ve been doing things that I would have LOVED to do with Joe. Things I would give anything to share with Joe. We used to call each other on Sunday morning and go through the secrets together. One of the many things I’ve lost.

Don’t get me wrong, though-the event was good, if only because Frank Warren is such an amazing soul. Honestly, it felt like the students were there just to be there. Though respectful, they just didn’t seem to be getting much out of it-texting and whispering and giggling to each other. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I am just being too judgemental. Maybe E) all of the above. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I got to listen to Frank and see how he has taken his life and transformed so many others. I am grateful for his view on the world. It’s a very powerful one.

On Tuesday, Ed and I went to the Switchfoot concert. Joe and I discovered Switchfoot in 2000, I think. We loved, loved, loved them. It surprises people (it sometimes surprises me) because of how God-centric their music is. I always felt like they left their message open, for me to decide what I wanted to hear. I appreciate that.

I saw Switchfoot when I first moved to Seattle. Literally, like, a month after I got here. It was incredible. They were my favorite band at the time and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was right around that time, however, that they went one way with their music and I went the other in the kind of music I liked. They have come quite a few times in the last 6 years, but I always have chosen not to go, because I knew it would focus mostly on new stuff. I am not sure why I decided to go this time. It seemed pretty important to me, though.

I picked up Ed early and we were going to go get coffee at Stumptown. However, after not finding parking at either location (and I wasn’t willing to pay for parking twice), we decided to just head down to the Market, park and walk around. We noticed a Starbucks about a half a block north of the Showbox, but wanted to see if there was anything else before settling. Eventually, we decided there wasn’t much doin’ at the market on a Tuesday night (especially if one of you isn’t legal) and headed back to the Starbucks. We had just sat down with our coffees, when I saw the door open.

“Ohmygodedohmygod”

“What?”

“Jon Foreman just walked in” [aka, lead singer of Switchfoot]

“Oh. My. God”

While Jon Foreman ordered coffee, Ed and I debated what we should do-talk? Ask for an autograph? A picture? I always imagine this situation would be weird (and look! I was right!), because I am not all about accosting famous people and bothering them when all they want is a fucking cup of coffee before a show. However, I decided I just admired him too damn much to not say hi.

So, I did. I walked up, introduced myself, shook his hand, told him I loved him (I maybe quoted him from a rare DVD-not only because I love the quote, but also because it proved what a huge fan I really am) and then I asked if he would sign my ticket for the show. And he did. And he was so nice and gracious and exactly the person I thought he was. Which is always nice.

On a side/hilarious note-the barista, after she saw my interaction with Mr. Foreman, had the gall to ask him who he was and then say “Oh! I love your band! I wanted to go tonight, but I had to work!”. Really? You love the band, yet have no idea what the lead singer looks like? Really?

They put on a great show-again, I hardly knew the songs, since it was all new stuff, but it made me listen to some of the new stuff and I really enjoyed it. So, there’s that.

Of course, even though I yelled it from the rooftops on Twitter and Facebook, there was really only one person I wanted to tell. I am still trying to get used to not being able to.

It all goes to show you, if you leave the house every once in awhile, you will meet famous people. At least that’s the lesson I am clinging to.

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Just say Yes*

I am not a new years resolution kind of girl. Never have been. I just don’t see the point, because I know I’m not going to change something just because a new year tells me to.

That being said, I think, psychology, we all begin to take stock in Dec/Jan and think about our lives and what we can change or make better. I know I have been doing that for the last month. I don’t have a lot of answers, but I feel good about the reflection I have done. In this reflection, I have been adamant with myself to not make a “resolution” because, in my mind, that word equals failure.

However, there have been signs. Strong, screaming signs pointing me in a direction. Honestly, if I looked at the list of things I need to change about myself, this would fall to the bottom and yet, in the last few weeks, everything has been telling me that THIS is the thing I need to focus on right now and I feel like I need to give it a try.

You know what I love? I love being at home. I love The Grays curled up next me, covered in a blanket, reading a book, reading a blog, watching a movie-home, home, home, home. Love it. What do I hate? I hate leaving my house, wearing shoes and a bra, going out in the rain, going out in the cold, driving more than a mile, driving on the freeway, driving in rush hour. Hate. Do you see where this is going? Yeah, I am basically a hermit. I often say no to things because the thought of doing any of those things I hate just overwhelms me. The funny thing is, 99.9% of the time, I am SO happy I got my lazy ass out of the house to do whatever. I always think “Gah! You’re so lazy. That was awesome! You are such a lazy whiner”. Seriously. I often say it aloud.

I find myself in a place where, this month, I am VERY busy. I have all sorts of things planned. And I love it. Screw sleep. I’ll wear the damn bra. I’ll start saying “yes”.

That’s right, 2010 will be my year of “yes”, if it KILLS me (it might, you know). I need to stop turning down things just so I can stay home, in my comfort zone. I need to say “yes”, I need to step outside my comfort zone and I need to start living my life more fully. I am only 28. Why have I been acting like I’m dead (or close to it)? I don’t have an answer, but I know I need to focus on saying “yes”.

This week: I am hanging out with Heidi before she leaves for training, going to the Switchfoot concert with Ed, attending the Post Secret Event (hopefully) with LSL, Sizzle and Aimee (yes!!), going to get my Tarot Cards read on Saturday, followed by The Lovely Bones and, at some point, Michael’s sister Sheila and her 2 boys are going to come and hang out. Normally, I would be dreading a week this packed, but right now, I am loving it!

*LSL sent me a mix CD with this song on it, and it was one of the signs I mentioned earlier. Love!
“Just say yes / Just say there’s nothing holding you back / It’s not a test / Nor a trick of the mind, only love” -Snow Patrol

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2009 Movies

So, last year, I did a post on all the movies we saw in 2008. I also talked about being less selfish and going to see Michael and Heidi’s picks. Although, Michael only used 1 pick and I think Heidi only used 2. Over all, I think it was a good plan. I thought we saw a TON of movies this year, but it turns out, we only saw 20. 5 more than last year. I did think that this year turned out some amazing shows. So far, I am not sure what I should be looking forward to in 2010. Although, I am sure Heidi will want to see Valentine’s Day. Damn her.

So, the movies I saw:

(500) Days Of Summer: I really loved this move. Joseph Gordon Levitt is just a delight. Even the cheesy music montage in the middle of the film touched my feeling.
Away We Go: Love, love, love. There wasn’t one thing about this movie I disliked. And the score gave me Alexi Murdoch, so you can’t go wrong there.
The Blind Side: We saw this Christmas Eve with my dad and Audrey. It was their pick. I will admit, though, it was a good movie and I am glad I saw it. But I didn’t cry. My heart of stone endures.
Brothers: It was OK. I didn’t exactly like the ending. The cast was awesome, though. They all did a spectacular job.
Bruno: So not as funny as it should have been.
Duplicity: It was cute, I guess. I got bored watching it, though. Sometimes, Clive Owen can go wrong.
Funny People: I will admit, I love anything Judd Apatow does. This movie was fantastic. It’s hilarious, dark, dramatic and so, so interesting. Loved every long, long minute of it.
The Hangover: Michael didn’t want to see this movie. However, we ended up seeing it 5 times in the theater. It was beyond hilarious. I will never forget that night Michael, Heidi and I saw it for the first time. We left that theater sore from laughter.
Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince: Well, the movie was well done. I was, however, disappointed with 2 things: 1) they put in an extra scene that served no damn purpose and then 2) they did not give Dumbeldore a proper funeral. Otherwise, it’s one of the best Harry Potter movies.
He’s Just Not That Into You: Heidi forced me to watch this. And I am sad I did. Despite it’s all star cast, the premise made me want to kill myself. No one I know acts like these people.
I Love You, Man: Hilar. Just so funny and delightful.
Love Happens: Yeah. This movie, is a trick. On a couple of levels. FYI: NOT a romantic comedy. Or a romantic drama. I left the theater wanting to stick my head in the oven. Dawn has been warned she isn’t allowed to see it. The other fraud is, that not matter how many aerial shots of Seattle you have, this was not filmed here in Seattle.
My Sister’s Keeper: Loved the book. The movie sucked. And they changed the ending. And Cameron Diaz tried way too hard.
New Moon: Ed and I got drunk. I barely recall that afternoon of humiliation.
Observe And Report: Oh Seth Rogen, how I love you. Also, filmed in Albuquerque, so I loved that. Totally dark and I loved it.
Paper Heart: Good movie. I was bothered that I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.
The Proposal: I was surprised I didn’t hate this movie. It was cute and even though the ending kind of angered me, I liked it.
Sherlock Holmes: The last movie of 2009 I saw. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law can’t be wrong. About half way through, I thought “This is NOT what I signed up for”, but, in the end, it was perfection.
Up in the Air: I also saw this with my dad and Audrey. Hilarious, since the main character could be my dad. Loved it. This movie was just so well done.
Where The Wild Things Are: Well. The visuals we amazing. The kid was awesome. We were bored to tears.

There were a few movies I missed. Movies I plan on seeing ASAP.

Adam
An Education
A Single Man
Humpday
The Invention of Lying
Management
Wendy and Lucy

Bring it on, 2010!

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Christmas Day

The house is quiet and I am up alone. Like many Christmases of childhood past, I am up early, too anxious to stay asleep.

My thoughts drift to my family. Ed. The only one who will wake up in my mom’s house this morning. He will have to be there for all of us, opening stocking presents, delight in our traditional candies, smile happily at all the presents and watch as our mom pretends to like our gift. She never likes our gift, that is a tradition too.

My sister is at home with her family. My nephews up early, like me, excited because Santa came again with more presents than they ever thought possible. They will laugh and scream with delight, tearing off paper, discovering the exact thing they’ve always wanted. My sister will sip her coffee, take pictures and soak up the happiness on her boy’s face. Some of that happiness will transfer to her, but there is still a small hole of loneliness.  A hole that misses Jim, her siblings and her father. She will smile and laugh with the kids, but she will also cry a little inside, for those who can’t be there to watch her amazing children with her.

Joe went to Utah. I can’t pretend to know him anymore. To know why he does what he does. But the part of me that thinks I still know him-the parts of him that no one else ever could-that part, thinks he went to Utah to escape. To escape the Christmas that never should have been. Our family, broken, unable to celebrate the holiday the way we all wished we were. Part of me thinks he went because he knows he did this, he knows I didn’t come home for Christmas as planned because of him. He knows that Ed, my sister and I are alone today because he has torn our family to pieces.

I am here in Seattle. Michael sleeps in the next room. It’s too dark to see what cats are around me, but they are here. Soon my dad will come over and we’ll open gifts, play games, eat food and laugh. It will be nice, but it won’t be the Christmas I have been imagining all year. I guess I should prepare myself that Christmas will never be the same again. If the last six months are any indication, I will never have a traditional Christmas again. I guess it’s time to find new traditions.

Dawn, Joe, Ed and I make each other better people. We are all strong individuals, but we are unstoppable when we are all together.

This Christmas isn’t the end of the world. It’s one Christmas in the dozens we’ll have in a lifetime. Today, it’s hard. Soon, it will be forgotten.

There is always next year.

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Yesterday, today and tomorrow

Last night, Michael and I exchanged presents with each other, shopped for Christmas and cleaned the house.

Today, I anxiously await picking up my dad and step-mom from the airport.

Tomorrow, I will miss my sister, nephews, grandparents, brothers, mom, Tim, Heidi and all those I love I won’t get to see. I will enjoy a relaxing time at my house with my boyfriend and parents. I will think fondly of all the friends I have made this year.

I live a very blessed life. I have so, so much. For all my complaining, I have so much more than most people have and I am so very grateful for it all.

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