The message

I get. I hear you. You don’t have to shout. I’m not as stupid as I seem.

I am just stubborn. Just like you. Just like our dad. Just like our grandpa. etc. We come from a long line of stubborn people.

I just don’t want to accept a life without you. You are a part of my soul. How can I accept it?

And you. Isn’t it enough? Isn’t you not speaking to me for over a year enough? Isn’t enough that you have forever changed our family and our relationships with our family members? Isn’t enough that you ruined me? Isn’t enough?

Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to come back to the battlefield just to spit on the people you killed? Do you really hate me that much? How can you hate me so much?How can you hate me so much you have to kick my already lifeless body?

I wish I could hate you. I wish I could let you go. I wish a million wishes that will never come true.

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All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She’s got teary eyes
I’ve got reasons why

I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m headed for the final precipice

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I’m so confused
What’s true of false
What’s fact or fiction after all
I feel like I’m an apparition’s pet

But you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break your heart
It isn’t love
If it doesn’t break your heart
It’s not enough
It’s when you’re breaking down
With your insides coming out
That’s when you find out what your heart is made of

And you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet
Cause you haven’t lost me yet

-Yet, by Switchfoot

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Long time, no blog

I can’t decide if not having time to blog is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, I am way too busy to even remember my log-in info for my blog, on the other, working until 8 pm most nights is not the right kind of busy.

Not to say I haven’t had any fun. Last Saturday, I got to spend the evening with some of the most intelligent, funny and beautiful women I know. Terrell hosted us at a little girl blogger get together. I got to meet the famous Kerri, Seattle’s latest awesome chic, Supple AND my name twin, Jen! Of course, Sizzle was there and she did not fail in making me die of laughter. I can sum it up in one word: merkin. Beat that.

Yesterday, it was fabulously sunny out, so Michael and I grabbed a blanket and some sunscreen and headed to the park. We spent 5 hours soaking up some vitamin D. It was lazy, luxurious and delightful.

Today, we are heading over to Ed’s to set-up his new desk. I know, we ARE the most exciting people ever.

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Work has been interesting, to say the least.

Many days, the people and the noise overwhelms me.

I am having a hard time adjusting to corporate way of doing things (aka an excessive number of meetings).

I am enjoying making new friends, but it’s coupled with having to work with people I can’t stand.

I am already getting gifts from clients and it feels great to be appreciated.

I have never had to really deal with office politics before and it’s exhausting.

I love working with one of my best friends, but I worry this is going to affect our relationship.

I like the work I get to do, but feel like I spend too much time doing it. I need a break sometimes.

So . . . a lot of conflicted feelings. Still, I am much better off than I was 5 months ago, so that counts for something.

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In just 16 days it will be 1 whole year since my brother has spoken to me. I could not even write that sentence without tears spilling down my cheeks. There are so many things I want to say, but I think that may be a whole other blog post. 1 whole year. I thought it was supposed to get easier?

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A place to sleep

When I went to New Mexico . . . back in February, I guess it was, I saw this in my InStyle magazine:

Since we had an unfinished dresser, I thought it would be fun to take the idea and run with it. When I mentioned it to Michael, he decided we should just re-do the whole thing. When we remodeled, we never really got a chance to do the bedroom. We had 2 days to move the stuff from my apartment to the condo before we left for Hawaii. On top of that, we then had to live in the bedroom for almost 6 months. I painted the walls before we moved in and we put in new carpet, but I never finished the walls because we put in the pocket door and the carpet got destroyed by cats and electricians.

We decided to repaint the whole room and get new carpet. First, we did the dressers and they turned out awesome.

Then, we had to wait for the carpet to get here. We also had to order new comforter and curtains. [Please note: I wanted to make the bed for these pictures, but Jake refused to move]

All in all, I am loving the new bedroom. It feels so tranquil in our room now. I love walking in there. We are hoping to re-do the bathroom next (Michael has finally agreed to get rid of those blue walls!).

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If . . . you wanna be my lover . . . oh. wait.

Well, apparently, Sizzle has started a phenomenon (not a surprise, since she IS a phenomenon). Since I am short on words lately, might as well give it a go.

If I were a month I’d be September

If I were a day I’d be Sunday

If I were a time of day I’d be 9pm

If I were a font I’d be Enviro

If I were a sea animal I’d be a sea turtle

If I were a direction I’d be Northwest

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a La-Z-boy

If I were a liquid I’d be vodka

If I were a gemstone I’d be a sapphire

If I were a tree I’d be a Weeping Willow

If I were a tool I’d be a screwdriver

If I were a flower I’d be the Flower of Life

If I were an element of weather I’d be storm cloud

If I were a musical instrument I’d be a guitar

If I were a color I’d be indigo

If I were an emotion I’d be stubborn

If I were a fruit I’d be a blueberry

If I were a sound I’d be a sigh

If I were an element I’d be carbon

If I were a car I’d be my neon.

If I were a food I’d be toffee

If I were a place I’d be home

If I were a material I’d be cotton

If I were a taste I’d be Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch

If I were a scent I’d be lavender

If I were a body part I’d be a hand

If I were a song I’d be The Good That Won’t Come Out by Rilo Kiley

If I were a bird I’d be a Gray Catbird (naturally)

If I were a gift I’d be big, expensive and sparkly

If I were a city I’d be San Francisco

If I were a door I’d be open

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Louboutins

If I were a poem I’d be Lost By Jewel

Lost
is a puzzle
of stars
that breathes
like water
and chews
like stone

Alone
is a reminder
of how far
acceptance
is from
understanding

Fear
is a bird
that believes itself
into extinction

Desperation
the honest recognition
of a false truth

Hope
seeing who you really are
at your highest
is who you will become

Grace
the refinement of a
Soul through time

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Never have kids when your 9 (and other cautionary tales)

Last week was finals week at SU. Naturally, I spent 35 hours (including an all-nighter) working on a project. On top of the hour I spent grading a final paper. Whew. Luckily, everything turned out awesome.

You may be asking yourself “when did Jeni go back to school?”. Jeni didn’t. Jeni’s brother/son is in college, therefore, his work is her work. To be honest, we did have fun, even though I have never worked that hard on my OWN school stuff. Of course, the fact that we are siblings worked against us. #1) We both overdue any sort of project we work on and #2) we’re both perfectionist. This may have had something to do with the fact that the project was NEVER ENDING. However, the fact that some of the kids in Ed’s class said “Thanks for making us look bad” makes it all worth it.

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So, I am loving work. It’s almost like I never left. I love re-connecting with our clients, I love Tom and I love Jason (the third part of our team). I love seeing Tim everyday and having lunch with Heidi. I love the 5 million places to eat within a 2 block radius. I love Starbucks in my building. I love not driving everyday.

There are a few things I do not love, but they seem to be temporary. I can wait it out.

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I haven’t worked for a corporation for over 6 years. There are a lot of rules. There are also a lot of blocked websites. Now, I haven’t had a ton of down time, but, today, for example, when I ate lunch at my desk, there wasn’t much to look at. Why’s it gotta be so hard to catch-up on my facebook and blogs? I’m entitled to a break, damn it. I guess I’m taking up smoking.

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I fell down some stairs on Saturday. I totally hurt my leg. It’s not swollen or bruised and I can walk. However, there is a throbbing pain. I didn’t go the ER because I wasn’t sure my benefits had kicked in yet (and it was before the congress vote :-) and it didn’t $2,000 hurt. I will hobble for a few more days before I consider going in, although, I have no clue what could be wrong. It sucks being klutz.

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This weekend, my friend Lindsay is visiting from NM. Woot!

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Next month I am going to Charlotte Gainsbourg and I am ECSTATIC. In addition, May brings Chris Pureka and James Taylor/Carole King. Scissor Sisters have a new album coming out, so I am looking forward to another great year for concerts. Yay!

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Ok. I guess that’s it. I miss you guys! I may not be commenting, but I am reading. Damn job.

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And then there was change

Bus-y. That’s me. Ok, well, it’s kind of a lie, because not this past week, but the week before, I didn’t work, but I did a lot of errands, so I was busy. And now, I digress.

Changes are afoot in casa de Gray Cat. Our bedroom is almost finished, we are working on re-doing the bathroom, I changed my hair to a dark red color and, oh yeah, I have a new job.

That’s right, a new job. Actually, it’s an old job. After 1 year, 4 months and 8 days, I am back with Tom. It’s all a little crazy.

So, Tom and I didn’t exactly leave things between us very good when he moved to P1 and I moved on. However, Tom and I were too close to continue not talking. Since I left, we’ve hung out at least once a quarter, enjoying our friendship. We had dinner and caught up in December, just after my dad left. As I have spoken about here, I have been dissatisfied with my job for some time. Tom has not been too pleased with the help he’s had since I left. He informed me of a few major changes in his office, one of them being that he is a manager. Two of the biggest reasons I refused to work in his office are now no longer factors. I let Tom know that if the right situation presented itself, I’d be willing to come back. I surprised even myself.

Both Tom and I thought the “right situation” may or may not ever come, yet just 3 weeks later, there it was. I will admit, though, I wasn’t completely sold on the idea. I’ve never felt that this job and this industry is where I am meant to be. Going back to Tom’s practice was making a commitment to him and his client that I was in it for the long haul. I don’t take that lightly. I didn’t want to go back just to leave again in a year. As I have documented well, I just don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

This job isn’t exactly an ideal job (somehow I imagine myself more bohemian and less corporate), but I am good at this job. Tom and I work well together. I have been back a week and it’s like I never left. It fits well and it feels good.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow-up, but I don’t feel like I am wasting my time while I figure it out. I feel great about this choice. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days. But everyone has days at work. Even if you love your job. It’s life.

My life is moving in the right direction. I feel happy for the first time in years. Michael has a new job and he loves it. Things are going well. While there are still many things missing, it feels great to be a few steps closer.

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True Love

The other day, my sister tweeted something that caused my heart to stop cold.

I immediately picked up the phone to call. Mammer answered.

Mam: Hi Auntie Jeni!

Me: Hi Mammer! What are you doing?

Mam: Oh, just talking to you.

Me: Oh! Well, Mam, mommy told me you have a girlfriend. What’s up with that?

Mam: Don’t worry Auntie Jeni. I still love you the most. I’m your lucky charm

If, you guessed, I then died of happiness, you’d be correct.

The conversation drifted into other areas, but I was still concerned about this girlfriend business.

Me: So, Mam, how come you decided to have a girlfriend

Mam: Well, she’s always mean to me, so I decided to be her boyfriend so I could spy on her.

Me: That’s my boy.

I am often surprised that kid didn’t actually come from my body.

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