Tricky, tricky time

02 25 13'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

Next month, it will be 2 years since Michael and I broke up. Somehow, that time feels infinitely long and yet, very, very short.

It surprises me that I feel like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. It surprises me because I am completely over him and I did not feel that way the day after we broke up. Still, 2 years feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. I am sure much of this has to do with the fact that I still live in our condo. Or that Michael and I still talk and text. Just, you know, him being in my life. As 2013 passes (I am sure much too quickly), many of the reasons we communicate will no longer exist. And soon it will be 3 years since we broke up. Soon, before I know it, we will have been broken up for longer than we were together. Isn’t that something.

Conversely, when I think of the things I have done in the last 2 years-the life outside of Michael and that break-up-I feel like so much has happened. My brother moved here and then moved to Austin. I made friends with some amazing people. I have strengthened friendships I already had. I’ve lost friends.  I started living a life here in Seattle congruent to the life I always thought I’d have here. I fell in love with Seattle music and it has swept me up and held me close and made me feel alive in a way I have never known before.

I am happier than I have ever been.

I would be remiss to leave out that a lot of that has to do with therapy. I have had to learn to redefine things. I have had to learn how to rank my friendships so that I am not hurt so easily. I have had to learn to acknowledge the good things that happen. I have had to learn to acknowledge myself. And while I want to say here, on my blog, for all 2 of you to see, that I have come so very far, I also know, because I have come this far, that I have so much further to go. I am happier than I have ever been, but I have a lot of work to do to be completely happy with my life; with myself.

I think my biggest challenge this year will be living life in suspense. It’s very hard to feel like your life is moving forward or that you are moving forward, when so much is temporary. I have to find a temporary home to live in before I move to Austin. I can’t really date (if I wanted to, which, I can’t say if I do or not) because I am moving. I spend much of my time and money doing too much-trying to grab moments and friends and soak them up before I leave. Not that I regret or don’t want to do those things, but if I wasn’t leaving, I might spread them out a little more vs. spreading myself too thin. Running myself ragged; feeling like I am always missing something or letting someone down. I might be able to find a balance. Instead, everything and everyone is going out of business. I imagine my first few months in Austin will be spent sleeping.

Still, I am happier than I have ever been.

And that is something I have to remember; something I have to acknowledge.

Category:

Good Stuff, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, How did we get here?, music, real post

So . . . that was weird

02 07 13'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

One day, last April, my friend Diana emailed me and was like “yo, your blog has malware”. And I was like ‘Blog? What’s that? Oh yeah, I have one of those”

So, I mosey on over and sure enough, Google warns me that the website I am trying to visit has malware and I should not be friends with it. Same thing when I went to the login in page. So . . . I checked with my host and contacted a company to fix it. Which, apparently would cost over $300. So . . . I was like “peace out”.

I knew at some point I would have to fix it, but that point was not then.

Fast forward to Tuesday when my friend Matt emailed me about SXSW. It reminded me that he knows about the website stuff. So, I emailed him back and asked if he had any recommendations for people that didn’t want my kidney to fix my blog. He wrote back with a bunch of questions that I couldn’t answer. I went to my blog so I could take a screenshot. Well, actually, I was at work and I tried to go to my blog, but it was blocked due to  ”adult content/pornography”. I win at life. Anyway, so, I went home and then went to my blog and . . . I went to my blog. It wasn’t blocked by a warning. It all seemed fine.

So, yeah. I don’t know. If you are reading this through a reader, you should probably just stay there. Because, who the hell knows what’s happening ’round here.

And now, I am going to give you a month by month recount of what I have been doing.

Just kidding. There is no fucking way I am doing that.

But maybe I’ll start writing again. Wouldn’t that be something?

brothers 3

Category:

funny: ha ha, grays, How did we get here?, Miscellaneous, pictures, real post

I don’t wanna be lonely no more*

04 09 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

Comments Off

This whole living alone thing is really hard. Harder than I expected.

I feel like the last few days have been one breakdown/anxiety attack after the other.

I forgot how this was. No wonder I spent 2 years obsessed with a married man, whom I later moved in with and thought it would be “forever”. I was just trying to escape this.

I thought I would come through all this (Michael moving) better than expected, but I think I was wrong. The constant anxiety/tears the past couple of days are proof of this.

It’s just . . . he is the last person here that I thought I had to call when things got really bad. Like, you know, I got arrested for flashing at 3 AM and I have one phone call. He was my one phone call. How weak and pathetic that makes me sound is of little consequence.

Last week . . . last week I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I was making out with boys and feeling like I was standing still. This week I feel like I did one year ago when Michael and I just broke up. I don’t know if I have cried as much as I have this week as I did back then.

You can’t always quantify tears.

I have some pretty ridiculous abandonment issues. I know Michael, technically, left me over a year ago, him moving away feels like ripping the band aid off over a wound I thought had healed. I am so alone now. So, so alone. I can’t recall a time in my life I have felt this alone. I am overwhelmed. I can’t recall a time in my life I felt this overwhelmed.

I am at a loss.

*Have I ever said “Rob Thomas endures“? Probably.

Category:

disasters, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou, Secret Shames

The End

04 04 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

Today, in Therapy, my therapist said I looked much better than I have in the last 2 months. Since we found out we had to move in January, life has been this crazy, unstoppable, debilitating stress. Joe leaving, while hard (still hard), was kind of the end of it. It’s finally time for me to [hopefully] stand still.

The last 2 weeks, since I last went to Therapy have been kind of crazy and my therapist said so. We spent a lot of time catching up vs. working on actual Therapy stuff. I said that next week, there shouldn’t be too many crazy things and we can get back to the work we were doing before 2012 happened.

As I was leaving, I looked at my phone (duh) and saw I had some missed calls, a few texts and a few emails. I looked at my email and the first one I saw was from Michael.

Michael is moving to Kansas in 2 weeks.

I’m still in shock.

I don’t want to be with Michael. I never, ever harbored any thought that we’d get back together. There is no coming back from “I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye”. But Michael is someone I’ve known since I very first moved to Seattle. I met him 1 week after I arrived here. He is as much apart of Seattle for me as The Space Needle.

I don’t know if I am sad. Maybe a little. At 49 years old, he’s never lived away from here. I’m excited for him. I think more than anything, it just amplifies the loneliness I have been feeling.

I expected the loneliness. I am doing OK with it. I didn’t expect Michael to leave. Whatever our relationship, I always imagined him here, in the background.

Last week was the 1 year anniversary of us breaking up. I handled it much better than I expected (THAT is a story for another day). I am hoping I will handle this much better than I expect.

And that’s all I have to say, about that. 

Category:

How did we get here?, real post, sad lou

Goodbye brother

03 21 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

5 Pokes

Just as quickly as he arrived, he will be gone again.

It was just over a year ago that Joe called me and asked where he should go. He had given up everything for love and then, love gave up on him. No job and very few belongings. I told him to come here, come to Seattle and we’d figure it out. Stay on my couch and we’ll just figure it out.

And we did. We went from not speaking for a year and a half to both of us being broken-hearted and living together.

That wasn’t easy. I had never had a roommate before (living with your boyfriend doesn’t count) and I struggled with my crazy rules for living and things being just so. We had some pretty big fights. We had some really fun moments. I think we really taught each other a lot about communication-something neither of us were Super Stars in.

It was really hard sometimes, but I didn’t expect it to end so quickly. We both thought we’d live together for at least one more year. Once we found out that wasn’t possible, he decided to move in with a friend and even though I was a little sad, I thought it would be fun to try out living in one city, but not together. It could bring us even closer together.

Then, there was Austin.

I know I have alluded to Austin here and there, without a full explanation as to what is going on. Part of that is because we weren’t 100% sure what was going on. Basically, my dad is moving there to start a practice. Joe is transferring with his job, with the plan being that in about a year, he’ll quit and become an advisor in that practice. It was my idea that he go now, since the lease was up and there was nothing tying him here. He could go down, get a feel for the city and help my dad set-up shop. It’s a good idea, in theory. I forgot, however, how that might affect my heart.

Also…I am planning on going to Austin, as well. There. I said it. It’s kinda crazy to me that I’m considering leaving Seattle. Especially after I have started to hit my stride and find my people. But there are things that I love more than Seattle. . .

Like the thought of family dinners every Sunday night. Girl’s night out with my sister. Happy hour with my brother. Picking my nephews up from school. Watching them swim. Weekend trips to the beach. Get thrown out of Starbucks with the Mam. Building a family business. Watching Joe wife someone. Being there when those kids are born. Texas food. Texas men. A whole new music scene to conquer. Having a home where my Seattle friends can stay when they play through town.

Those are things that Seattle can’t give me. It’s the only time Seattle has fallen short for me.

So, Joe will forge on to Austin in front of me. It’s going to be crazy hard. Especially since Froggy is still in France. I am more alone in Seattle than I have ever been.

I just have to be careful not to be too sad. I still have about a year left in Seattle and I will do it up right. I’m not done with Seattle yet.

Category:

family, GNN, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou

The best part may actually be Jake in the background

03 17 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

3 Pokes

Every since I wrote this post, I have been obsessing over this version of 3 am by Matchbox Twenty. I honestly listen to this song about 20 times a day. I love the line “She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway”. I thought to myself “At this point, I would settle for that”

So, I did.

I love this. With all the stuff going on right now (and trust me, there is A LOT of stuff going on right now), if this is all the happiness I can have, it’s a start.

Also…this is the one and only thing at my house that is mine. Everything else Michael and I picked out together. Every tiny thing. We picked it out and built it and loved it and says “us” all over. But not this. This is mine. Something that he wouldn’t have liked.

So…I’ll take this little bit of happiness and go from there.

Category:

Miscellaneous, music, pictures

Moved

03 11 12'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

For the most part, I am moved. There are some items I just couldn’t get to and at 6 PM on Sunday night, after 3 days of moving, those things can wait. In my head, I thought it might be easier to be able to move just a little at a time. What that entails is me filling a box with as much as I can carry (not much), carrying it to the condo and unpacking/putting it away. In case you were wondering, that takes a long, long time. I am exhausted. My legs and, especially feet, are in agony. But it is, mostly, done. My one more day of work. That day can be next weekend, damn it.

Last Wednesday, Joe and I brought the cats over for about 30 minutes. Just to see what they would do. Jake seemed a little freaked out, but both seemed OK. I had a lot of hope for the move. Sadly, that hope was shattered as soon as we brought the cats over. Landon went crazy and tried to kill Jake. Again. I know you might think I am exaggerating when I say he tries to kill Jake, but I am not. I am 100% certain if I was not here to intervene, Landon would kill Jake. It’s very, very stressful and I have a hard time sleeping. I am pretty sure I am going to have to work from home tomorrow to supervise and that just means I am going to end up working crazy hours for the rest of the week.

Last night was the first night I slept here. Joe left at about 9:30 and then it was just me. I will admit that I got sad. The funny thing is, I wasn’t sad about the memories that this place holds, but the current state of affairs. Last Sunday, Joe and I came over to meet with Michael to discuss the condo and the back splash Joe was installing in the kitchen (that is a whole other story. If you really want to know, email me). It was the first time I got to see the condo since last July, when I could barely pull myself away. It was as beautiful and perfect as I always remembered it. But there were a few things, here and there, that told me someone else had been here. Things that only someone who loves every tiny inch of this place would know. Even Michael was surprised at what I noticed. In any case, we talked, then left. I told Michael he could do whatever it was he wanted to do (filling holes, etc) until Wednesday. After that, he had to pre-arrange with me before coming over.

The thing is, Michael fixed every tiny little thing that was bugging me. And he didn’t have to. I told him he didn’t have to. He must have spent hours. It baffles me. He also left this candy-a kind only he knows I like-in the fridge with a note that said it was a house warming present for me. It made me so, so sad. Both those things have made me so sad.

I was right, though. I love this place so, so, so much. Being here feels so comfortable. The next few weeks are going to be kind of crazy. I have to finish moving, we have to get Joe to Austin and I have to clean the hell out of the old place.

Once everything settles I am hoping I will get my chance to stand still.

Category:

How did we get here?, real post, sad lou