I’m freaking out guys.
It’s one of those things where you think you totally have a situation under control only to realize you totally do not. That it is, in fact, laughable that you ever thought otherwise.
This next part is going to require me to admit something I don’t want to admit. I have actually been furiously denying this for months and months and months now. I realize now, though, that I have to be honest with myself if I am ever going to figure this out.
I have developed feelings for someone. I have been sleeping with this guy for almost 8 months. It was just supposed to be “fun”. Non-committal. When we met, I was moving to Austin. The last thing I wanted was to fall in love or start a relationship. I couldn’t let anything try to keep me here, as it was already going to be hard enough to leave. Then, of course, everything changed. I have spent a lot of time picking up the Austin pieces and doing my best to figure out what my life will look now that Austin isn’t happening. As I have mentioned, my “final frontier”, so to speak, is relationships.
I don’t know what happened. Life, I guess. One second it was all perfectly fine and the next . . . the next I find myself feelings things I don’t want to feel. The things is—he’s not the guy for me. I know this. I’ve known this for a long time. We have nothing in common. We don’t want the same things. He thinks Superbad was inappropriate. No, that was seriously thing he said. He isn’t the guy for me. So, why am I falling for him?
I know why. Again, this is me admitting something I don’t want to admit. (this one is even scarier than the first)
I’m falling for him because I am ready to fall for someone and he’s the easy choice. The thing is, though, it isn’t easy!! Easy is the word I am using, but it isn’t easy. I am chasing someone unavailable which is easy for me. Because that is what I have done my entire life. The chase—that’s what I think love is. I chased my dad. I chased Michael. Look at me! I am awesome, I am so perfect, I have no needs or wants of my own and I will take care of you; fall in love with me. And it doesn’t matter if you don’t “get me”, like, at all or that I actually do have needs and wants. It’s fine. You are letting me chase you. And that’s love. To me, that’s love.
I realized, every time he leaves, I immediately start to feel a withdrawal. I suddenly feel unsatisfied and I need him to come over again and again. Last week, I saw him every day. I was so hungry. Then it dawned on me that I would never feel satisfied as long as I kept seeing him. I would never be satisfied because I would never get what I want. Which is, apparently, a real relationship. Trust me, I am just as surprised as you are. Not just that I want that (most of you probably knew that), it’s more that I actually admitted it.
Well, fuck me.
I feel stuck. I don’t want to stop seeing him. I don’t want to have feelings for him. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I am at odds with myself. Which, P.S., sucks. I don’t know what to do. I am indulging myself. Whenever I think “just fucking break up with him, fuck. Be a damn grown-up” it is immediately followed by “No. I’m not ready. I don’t have to be ready. I’m not ready”. I am acting like a child. I am accepting a situation that is untenable. I am going against myself.
I am going against myself.
Why isn’t that enough? Shouldn’t that be enough? Knowing that I am going against myself should be enough of a kick in the ass for me to make a move. But it isn’t. And that is scary.