Am I the only one who thinks 2008 has been a horrible year?

And not just for me personally. Look at our country. The economy sucks, the stock market is barely hanging on and civil rights are being taken away. Last weekend, Tim and I went to go see Milk. It was just horrifying to see that 30 years later-not much has changed. People still want to take away the rights of gay people. Because, again, it REALLY affects them.

2008 has been a rough year for me. And that is an understatement. Let’s see . . .My uncle was involved in a horrifying drunk driving incident, Brad Renfro died, my brother’s whore ex called off their wedding and screwed him out of a bunch of money (although, that WAS a blessing in disguise), I failed my series 66 twice, had my wisdom teeth out, Sex and the City: The Movie sucked, my brother moved to UT and we didn’t talk for a month, I found out we were being kicked out of our office, my sister and I got into a HUGE fight, didn’t talk for 3 months and our big trip to NYC was ruined (and really sucked), the day after my birthday Tom told me he was probably going to go work in P1, Tom and I got into a huge fight and I left my old job 1 week early, I started a new job and the Thanksgiving I have been looking forward to for months turned into a huge, horrible drama. Did I mention the year isn’t even over yet?

And what I learned from everything that has happened this year is this:

1) I am not as mature as I think I am. Sure, I am leaps and bounds ahead of most people my age. 99% of the time I can pass for a 40 year old (which, doesn’t bode well for my looks). But on some things-I really need to emotionally grow up. Mostly-I don’t know how to fight. Which seems like a silly thing to say, but I don’t. I let things bother me and don’t speak up. I don’t know how to communicate. I am then passive-aggressive and THEN? Then I am just fucking mean. I’ve always been good at being mean. Mean and stubborn. And what it boils down to is I have a HUGE fear of abandonment/rejection so I would rather do the ousting than vice versa. I am not quite sure how to fix this. Fix me.

2) I HATE change. I really hate change. Did I mention I hate change? I don’t like things to be out of my control and all these changes this year have been out of my control. I need control of everything in my life. Some may go as far to say as everyONE in my life. And maybe that’s true to some extent. My dad told me all my friends walk on eggshells around me. Which really kind of pisses me off. I mean, if they think something is wrong with me, why don’t they just ask?Am I THAT scary? And if so, I honestly think they shouldn’t be friends with me. Maybe I would learn not to be so scary and controlling. I know I want all things to be a certain way and god forbid they aren’t. But I ask you: Which is worse? Feeling uncomfortable and walking on eggshells or just getting it out there me being scary Jeni and then it’s just over. Maybe this is just another facet of my controlling ways.

While it’s all well and good to put these things out, how do I affect change in me? (Ugh. Change). Do I need to start seeing a therapist again? Is it really going to help? Because last time, all I did was lie and ignore her advice.

I really don’t know the answers. I just know that I hated 2008 and really hope 2009 can be something. . . .better. Less outside change and maybe more inside change.

Something has to give. I can’t do another 2008. I don’t think my friends and family can either.