It’s time to say on this blog what I have never quite come out with. Sure, I’ve danced around it. The majority of you already know. For those that don’t: prepare to be scandalized.
When I started dating sleeping with Michael, he was married. For those of you kind of horrified right now, well, I never claimed I was perfect. (OK, maybe I did. But I guess I’m not)
I could go on and on and on about the circumstances and how horrible it was and how racked with guilt I was, and yet I couldn’t stop seeing him. I could tell you stories that would make you cringe about the way he treated me and how depressed I was and how my self esteem was non-existent. I could paint a vivid picture of the night he told me he was divorcing his wife and the days I took off of work to emotionally beat the hell out of myself. I could and have written about all of that. In vivid detail. On another blog that doesn’t exist anymore. Suffice to say, it was a very difficult time in my life.
One of the reasons I didn’t keep the other blog up is because what happened between Michael and I is an urban myth. Men do NOT leave their wife for the girl they are fucking on the side. Michael did not leave his wife for me. Yes, we ended up together, but I know he didn’t leave her for me. It was 6 months after he moved out that we ended up together in a real relationship. Those 6 months were just as hard as the sordid affair was. I just don’t want my life out there on the internet for some young girl to find and say “See!! He will leave her for me one day!”. He won’t. The fact that I stayed with Michael through all of the turmoil is a testament to how fucked up I was, not a blueprint for affairs.
There are still scars. I will never fully trust Michael. Ever. That isn’t an easy thing for either of us to deal with. The moments of my insecurity are the worst of our relationship. They are ugly and venomous and sting for days. Sometimes I have to ask myself if it’s worth it. I am sure Michael has to do the same. For now, the answer is: it is. We are happy. We love each other. We enjoy each other and plan to be together for awhile.
Look, I’m not proud of how Michael and I got together. Most people don’t know any of this. What most people know is he was married, he separated and while he was separated we started dating and he got divorced. Even that story doesn’t sound all that great, but it’s the only one that can even remotely explain the timing of him moving in with me. Only people that knew he was married get that story. Otherwise, I don’t mention his previous marriage at all. I’m embarrassed.
So why am I dredging up all this now?! Well, just when you think you are safe. . . . Something happened that punched me in the gut. And I felt like I had to write to get it out.
Today, my co-worker (whom I am not too fond of) met with someone who used to be Michael’s client at Ameriprise. Before the meeting, I mentioned that his name looked familiar and I told Brian that I think it’s the same guy. Brian confirmed that this guy’s accounts were at Ameriprise. After the meeting, Brian said this guy didn’t think Brian was talking about the same person. The Michael he knew was happily married and lived on a farm with horses down south. He said that he talked to Michael only a year and a half ago and that he didn’t mention he was divorced, so it couldn’t possibly be the same guy. I then stumbled through some explanation to Brian, as my cheeks burned red. I just thought I was done making excuses. I thought we were in the clear.
I say in the clear-like we got away with something. I guess we did.
Somehow, I don’t feel good about it.
I will never forget the day you called me before Joy’s wedding to tell me that you and Michael were dating. You started the conversation with hesitation and said, “I have to tell you something.” I remember being so nervous. I had no idea what was to come in the next minute. I have to say that with the build up like that I was so releived to have the news be that you and Michael were dating and that you would be attending the wedding together. It made me feel trusted by you. I liked that part of it too!
Don’t beat yourself up. Things happen as they should. (sheesh, i hate it when people say that to me.)
Heh, I remember holding my breath for you, way back when.
As you well know, I am in no position to judge and wouldn’t anyway. Things happen as they happen, and it isn’t always that picture perfect beautiful life way because we’re human.
Also, as you well know, I totally get that whole lack of trust thing. That’s a tough one. Really really tough. . .
Yeah, I remember those days.
Funny, I’m kind of living them now. Well, not quite. Had an old love come out of the past a few weeks ago to tell me he’d never forgotten me (nor I him), even though he’s unhappily married to the woman he was seeing off and on when we met in college. He found his way to my city on business and we had an incredible dinner together. It’s all still there and then some.
He went back home and said that he’s commencing with a long-overdue separation and divorce, and when he’s free, he wants to make the past twenty years up to me. And spend the next twenty by my side.
And me? I’m looking forward to it with every fiber of my being.
Sometimes things are just meant to be regardless of how the rest of the world wants to keep score.