Tonight something happened . . . something I never believed would ever happen. I spoke with Rami on the phone. For an hour. I am still kind of stunned.

Rami, Rami, Rami. Where do I begin? What have I already said?

We met when I lived in CT. We were together almost the whole time I lived there. We didn’t make sense, but we couldn’t get enough of each other. I would get 2 hours of sleep most nights, just so I could stay up with him while he worked the night shift at his brother’s gas station. When we fought-we really fought and when we loved-it was with passion. We loved each other immediately. And, I guess, he fell out of love just as quickly. One day he couldn’t wait for me to get home from a trip and 16 hours later, he broke up with. No reason, no explanation. To quote Closer: “I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye”.  He broke my heart and made it so easy for me to leave and never look back.

I can’t help it. I think of him at least once a day. A few Arabic words are still apart of my daily vocabulary. There is still a picture of us on the sun visor in my car. And I always thought it was because we didn’t have closure. Although, thinking on it-he was my first real relationship-the kind where it was OK to tell your friends and family. The kind that where we went on dates. The kind where he wasn’t just some guy, with a girlfriend, who I fucked in high school. Real.

So . . . I’ve looked for him. Every 4 or 5 months I Google his name. Yesterday, Michael was out with the boys and I was playing around with our new Macbook. I decided to search for him on Facebook. And there he was. His face. Right there. I didn’t know what to do. I just didn’t think I could handle being rejected in my “friend request”. But I went for it anyway. I couldn’t let this opportunity slip through my fingers.

I checked my email 40 times today-hoping to see he accepted my friend request. Michael and I got into an argument after dinner and he went in the other room to watch TV. I decided to hop online. And there it was.

A few quick Facebook messages back and forth lead to me sitting outside in my car, smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone to Rami. Just like that. Almost 6 years later.

I don’t even know what to say. To hear his voice. To laugh at old jokes. To hear about his life-it was all so amazing. After all these years, we still have a connection. I don’t necessarily mean a “love” connection-just a connection. 2 people, with great chemistry and a shared past. I say chemistry because we don’t (and never had had) too much in common, but we spark. We sparked for an hour on the phone.

Is that bad? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t tell him about Michael and our life. It’s not like I didn’t tell Michael we talked. It’s not like I am flying out to see him tomorrow. It’s not like we had phone sex. But somehow, I feel like I did something wrong. Which makes me wonder . . . do I still have feelings for him?!? Why? Why would I? I mean, HEY-SOUS! It’s been 6 fucking years. If I am not over it by now, when will I be?

UGH. I don’t know what else to say.