Michael and I were talking about the plans for this weekend last night: Dinner at Heidi’s on Friday, Jeni haircut Saturday morning, followed by non-stop cleaning (our house is fucking filthy). Neither of us had plans or knew of any plans for Sunday’s big game. Michael asked if he could invite his friend Tyson over. I always say yes to that because I know he will never come. He’s a sucky friend like that.
This morning I texted Heidi to see if she had plans or maybe wanted to come over. She said she would and I should make queso (mmmmm, queso). Suddenly this image popped into my head. An image of what I have always wanted my life to be and so isn’t:
Tuesday night Joe comes over and we play Wii and drink Coronas until 11 PM (being tired for work isn’t so bad)
Thursdays are family dinner night. Dawn and I cook and the house is filled with Joe, Heidi, Michael, Doug, the boys, Ed and his latest.
Saturday afternoon I hang out with Dawn and the boys-just running errands and maybe heading to a park-Dawn and I drinking coffee and laughing while the boys play.
Super Bowl Sunday-everyone at my house. Food, drinking and yelling at the TV
Michael working late on Thursday and Dawn, Joe and I meet for a quick beer before heading home
Going out with Ed on Saturday nights
Sundays in the summer when we all go to the Zoo for the day-eating a picnic for lunch
It’s a life that doesn’t exist. It seems it won’t ever exist. I can’t imagine Michael and I moving to New Mexico-we just can’t. There aren’t jobs for us there (at least jobs that will pay us what we make now). What am I supposed to do? Leave Michael? What’s the point of having all that if I can’t have it with the man I love? It seemed close with Joe-I really believed he would come here. But he won’t. It seems like he plans to stay in Salt Lake and then move to Boise. I will see him as much as I see the New Mexico crew-which, as the years pass is less and less. I haven’t seen the Osborns since April of 2008. And I won’t see them until May. Every time it seems like it might happen-like I might be one step closer to having one of them close-the possibility just moves further away.
And it just makes me sad. Every time Super Bowl pops into my head, tears spring to my eyes. The life I want and reality are polar opposites. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way. How do you reckon the two? Am I supposed to accept it’s never meant to be? Because that makes me feel depressed. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I begin to dislike my current life.
Look, I LOVE my friends. Love them. But they have their own lives. Their own families. Their own responsibilities and their own agendas. I can’t and don’t expect them to spend all their free time with me. Hell, why would they want to? I’m the kind that it takes a certain person to deal with. Michael is the only person who isn’t family that can stand to be around me for extended periods of time. I get it. I am bossy, demanding, sarcastic, moody and ALWAYS right. Is it so much to ask that I have those around me who like those personality traits 24/7?
I guess it’s all just a dream. I am sure everyone dreams of a life they can’t have.
