OK. Let’s be honest. I am a bitch. I like to push people away. I have a long way to go in my emotional development. And I am WELL aware of it.
I’m just going to say it: Heidi and I aren’t friends anymore. And based on the email she sent me yesterday, I don’t think I am friends with ANYONE from our group anymore either because, according to Heidi, “You can be an extremely mean person at times. So many people feel this way about you they have told me, but I am actually saying it. It is about time someone say it to you” AND “Jeni I have loved you and stuck up for you when people were saying very mean things about you”. Since the ONLY mutual friends Heidi and I have are Tim and Louisa, who else could she be talking about? Apparently, all the people I thought were my friends hate me and sit around and talk about how horrible I am. Why would I want to be friends with them and vice versa?
What is really hilarious is that Heidi is mad because I haven’t listened to her whine about breaking up with my brother for the last month, even though I SPECIFICALLY told her that if she and he broke up, I could NOT be that friend. I told her that from the get-go. I was there for her last break-up, I know how much she goes on and on about it. I could barely stand to listen to her talk about my brother when they were together, let alone now that they broke up. I FULLY disclosed that to her, yet I am the horrible friend. Isn’t it ironic, considering Louisa and Tim stayed good friends with her last ex (and both did not like to hear her go on and on about how much she disliked him after their break-up) and I was the only one to listen to her for hours and months on end. Yet, it’s perfectly OK that she hasn’t called me or responded to MY emails for the last month. It’s fine that, even though I’ve really needed a friend-need someone on my side-that she’s been too busy dealing with HER issues to talk to me. It’s like, she is some sort of victim and couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong. Her whole email is about how horrible I am and what I did to her and how she is so innocent in all this.
I have never pretended to be more than I am. I have never led people to believe I am some wonderful nice person. I have always been upfront about the ugly sides to me. I had believed that I met friends who could take the good with the bad. Apparently, I was wrong. And it just makes me question everything in my life. Like, do my siblings, whom I love more than I could ever put into words, only tolerate me because they HAVE to? Are the sitting around, secretly talking about what a horrible person I am and how much they all hate me. Is Michael miserable and only with me because he’s too far in; our lives are too in-tangled? Is he going to cheat on me because I am such a horrible shrew? How am I supposed to deal with that? Should I just walk away now before I am hurt anymore? Go home to my mom and curl up in her arms, because despite it all, I know she is the one person who really loves me? She’s the one person I know isn’t faking it.
It’s like people think because I’m mean, I’m made of stone. It’s like they think it’s impossible that I can be hurt. Even though I am hurt. Every single day. In case I haven’t mentioned it, my life has sucked for awhile now and it just gets worse. BUT, because I’m mean, I don’t need friends or people to be there for me. Because I’m mean, I don’t need people to listen to me talk. Because I’m mean, I don’t cry or feel sick or just lay on the couch for hours wondering how I am supposed to fix it all. Because I’m mean, I don’t try. I don’t give. I bring nothing to any relationship but my meanness. Apparently, nothing I do is enough. But then, I guess I have always felt that way.
It’s not like I haven’t changed. I have changed. If only I had a blog in high school. Talk about a mean person. But, I guess THAT change doesn’t count. It only matters if I am perfect now, which I’m not. I can’t be. I’ll never be. But it’s like no matter how far I go, it isn’t enough.
And then there was 1. But maybe there has always just been 1 and I only fooled myself into thinking otherwise.
