“I would love to have her back in my life, but I know it won’t ever be the same so I’d rather drown in my loneliness”
I have been thinking a lot about Heidi lately. How everything went down. Where I thought she failed me. How she feels I failed her. I think there has to be a way to make it better. What I have come to realize is: it will never be the same. We can never go back to the easy days before her and Joe started dating and my resentment started building. We can’t even go back to the time they were dating and I would stuff my anger so far down my throat so I could still have a good time. We can’t back to the time they broke up and the things each of us could have done to save our friendship.
What’s worse: even if we talked and forgave, things wouldn’t be the same. I know that deep in my bones. I can’t take back the things I said to Heidi and neither can she. And I still can’t deal with her talking about my brother in any way, shape or form. If that makes me a bad person, well, are you really surprised?
The thing is, even if we went back and forgave, neither of us would forget. I don’t want that friendship. The one where we are both closed off to the other, just waiting for them to slip. Where the implied “come over whenever you want” isn’t really meant (or acted upon) like it used to be. Selectively telling each other things, not wanting the other to know too much, because that’s just ammo. The old Friday night date of hot tubing, dinner and movie doesn’t exist because that was the “old” us. The us that doesn’t exist and never will.
No, I think it’s easier to just leave it alone. Otherwise, I am just setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak and so much anger. She’s already moved on. Since I still read her Twitter (read: glutton for punishment) she is off doing things with other people that we used to do together. It’s worse than a break-up. Trying to be friends now would just be nothing more than a daily taunt from my old life.
I have enough things back there to hurt me. No need to add another.
