Good luck figuring out where THAT quote is from (except Joe-he’s not allowed to guess).

Michael is going out of town this weekend. Normally, I’m like “Spring Break, Woo Hoo!”, but that’s when I had friends. In the past, on these lovely alone weekends, I would throw a party no one comes to. No one except Heidi. Alas, those days are long gone. I have no one to waste my free weekend with. I’ll likely end up alone on the couch: dirty, smelly and covered in Gray.

Actually, I was thinking I’d really like to get a facial, but ever since I broke up with Gene Juarez, I have yet to find a place for my face (he he. That rhymed). I also haven’t really had the $$$ for a facial, but I do have it right now. I just need to find a place . . . . I have also been thinking about getting botox. Seriously. Those 2 lines between my eyebrows are annoying. BUT . . . When I was in 5th grade, I decided it was time to shave my legs. I was, like, 10. I didn’t need to shave my legs, but I wanted to. I was “so cool” because I did and all the other girls wanted to be just like me. Translation? I have been shaving my fucking legs for 17 damn years. I probably have another good 40 years to go. What a fucking idiot. Which leads me to think . . . if I start botox now . . . it’s going to be a long, long life of needles. I am reconsidering.

When I started this blog post, I thought “I don’t want to talk about Heidi. All I do is talk about Heidi”. However, I really have nothing else to talk about. In the last 3 weeks, almost every “Daily Kabbalah Tune-Up” has been about “waiting until it’s too late to say you’re sorry” and “Reach out to someone you haven’t been getting along with” or “you get what you give”. Basically telling me I need to try and fix this. I want to fix it. I don’t know how. Honestly, I have spent the last week trying to figure out what went wrong exactly.

This much I know (in bullet points, from my point of view):

• Joe came to visit me for my birthday
• He asked if Heidi was hot and indicated he wanted to “hook-up” with her
• I told Heidi
• It was talked about-a lot
• We went to Palmers, Joe and Heidi made out-a lot
• We went to Heidi’s house with Taco Bell
• Michael left Joe there to spend the night
• They both talked about “what a great connection they had”
• I feel a little peeved
• Joe leaves, they begin long-distance dating
• Thanksgiving, the whole family is here. I hate JoeandHeidi. Not Joe or Heidi, but them together
• There is a HUGE melt-down at Palmers.
• In the end, everything stays the same-except I feel perpetually angry. However, my life is pretty much in shambles due to work situation, so it could be that too
• Joe and Heidi decide they are “exclusive”
• Joe and Heidi only ever talk about Joe and Heidi.
• Angry
• Joe come for our trip to Ocean Shores. I hate JoeandHeidi, but have learned to hide it well
• Joe and Heidi break-up
• Heidi is mad because I can’t “be there” for her during her break-up. Even though, after being there for her last break-up, I have specifically told her I can’t be that person.
• Heidi and I have it in the worst way possible-via email. We both say horrible things

After spending months thinking about it, I realize that I said the things I said to Heidi because I am pissed. I am pissed at her and I am pissed at Joe. I’m pissed because, yes, I knew and condoned them “hooking up”, but never, ever did I say I wanted them to have a relationship. And they never asked. Joe should have known better. He has gone down this road before, hooking-up with my friends. In those cases-it was MY FRIENDS who called me, told me, apologized. Isn’t it just a life rule not to hook up with your friend’s siblings? Neither Joe, nor Heidi respected their relationship with ME enough to even ASK. Or to recognize what I felt at Thanksgiving. All they felt was “oh, woe is me, mean Jeni is trying to keep us apart”. At least that is what I saw/heard.

And I took out most of my anger on Heidi. To be honest, I always take out my anger on people I care about and trust the most. Like my mom. Or Michael. One of my many, many flaws. It just infuriates me-they both are still buddy, buddy and I have nothing. I haven’t even seen my other friends because of what Heid said they think about me. I don’t have anyone here (except Michael) that I trust. And I am sick of being lonely.

I’m sick of this whole fucking thing, and yet, it won’t go away.