I think, when I look back on my life, Rilo Kiley/Jenny Lewis will be the music that defines my 20′s. It’s the music I go to when I feel happy and want to turn up the volume and sing along. It’s the music I turn on when I feel sad and reflective. Their concerts have been some of the best I have ever been to (and I go to a lot of concerts). I always find something new in the songs or create a back story to the song. I feel it in every beat and in every lyric.

I love the music so much that I will subject myself to bad movies. Case in point: this weekend, I watched In the Land of Women. Why? Because I remembered that “Portions for Foxes” was in the trailer. It, sadly, was not in the movie (or the credits).

I have been so emotional lately. Angry, weepy, silly-you name it, I’ve felt it. Last night was the weepy night. I followed my new routine of taking a shower at night and threw on my “Ultimate Jenny” playlist (all songs Jenny Lewis has ever sang-lead or back-up vocals). The song “The Good That Won’t Come Out” came on and I sang at the top of my lungs.

“Let’s get together and talk about the modern age
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets just talking shit
about how we’re all so upset about the disappearing ground
As we watch it melt

It’s all of the good that won’t come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust
if we keep shaking them, standing here on this frozen lake

I do this thing where I think I’m real sick
but I won’t go to the doctor to find out about it
‘Cause they make you stand real still in a real small place
as they chartup your insides and put them on display
They’d see all of it, all of me, all of it

All of the good that won’t come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind
It’s such a big mistake, lying here in your warm embrace

Oh, you’re almost home
I’ve been waiting for you to come in
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again
I think I’ll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me
Maybe you’re right

Let’s talk about all of our friends who lost the war
and all of the novels that had yet to be written about them

It’s all of the good that won’t come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind
It’s such a big mistake, standing here on this frozen lake
It’s all the good that won’t come out of me
and how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
if I don’t tell you quick
Standing here on this frozen lake”

So many lines pertain to my life. Like, not going to the Doctor. I have GOOD health insurance! Health insurance many Americans would kill to have, yet I am terrified of the Doctor. Terrified. Or the line about choosing sadness. Am I choosing sadness? Isn’t this drama worth being sad over? “All of the good that won’t come out of me” is exactly how I feel. I have good in me, but I always feel like I am this mean, ugly person. I feel like I have potential to be more, but I can’t figure out how to bring it out of myself. I can’t figure out who I am or what I need to do or who I need to become. I can’t figure out happiness.

It’s a scary place to be.