Dear Joe,

I want to preface this letter by saying I love you. I love you more than I will ever love anyone. I love you more than anyone will ever love you. You are connected to me deep in my soul. This is why all this hurts so badly.

I know you are angry with me. I understand it, but I don’t accept it. You need to look deep here, Joe. I know how hard it can be to look at yourself, it’s something I struggle with everyday. I refuse to sit by and say nothing to you-even if what I have to say will make you angrier.

You lied Joe-not just to Heidi, you lied to me and in doing so, you dug your own grave. I said we are connected and that connection was in full effect when I asked, before you and Heidi broke up, if you cheated on her. I felt it in my gut. You assured me that you hadn’t and I believed you. Joe, you are (I guess you were) the only person on this earth that I believe whole-heartedly. I truly felt that you never had and never would lie to me. I would sell my house, give up my job and break up with Michael based on your word. I trusted you more than any person-more than dad or Michael or Dawn or anyone. I trusted you. And you lied to me.

I think (I don’t know, as you are “done” with me, as you’ve told me and everyone else) that you think I just walked up to Heidi and said “Hey, guess what! Joe cheated on you and lied to you!” You forget that I didn’t even know you did that. I didn’t even know about Joleen until she read my whole blog and you told me about her-AFTER Ed’s graduation. Even then, you didn’t say she was some big secret. You know, know, that I would have never, ever told Heidi you cheated on her if you would have told me that was the case. I’ve told Heidi the same. I can’t keep a secret if I don’t know what it is. You can claim I used you to become friends with Heidi, but you’re defense doesn’t stand up. SHE figured out you cheated on her. Yes, it was with the help of me saying “I guess he’s dating some girl named Joleen”, but again, I #1) didn’t know you had been seeing Joleen since December and #2) didn’t know you still texted Heidi telling her you loved her and wanted to be with her. Again, I can’t keep secrets I don’t know.

Joe, you are drowning. You are lying-to me and to everyone else. You have become someone you swore you’d never be: dad. You are drinking in excess. I am afraid every single day that I’m going to get a call that you’ve killed someone or worse, yourself. You drink at work, you drink until you pass out almost every night and you drink and drive. THAT is wrong.

I think you are self-medicating. I think that you are miserable with your life. Miserable living in SLC. Miserable working for Sherwin Williams. I think you are lonely. I think you need help.

I was in the same position. I was miserable and mad at myself and I slept with a married man who hurt me and my self-esteem in ways I can’t explain. And you know what? I got lucky. I didn’t help myself. I got lucky. And you know what? That still bites me in the ass, because I still need to fix myself. You need to fix you.

You can hate me, blame me and be “done” with me. I would rather be wrong and have you never speak to me again then be right and wish that I said something before it was too late. It’s not too late now, but it may be tomorrow. Even if you don’t want me to help you, ask Dad, ask Dawn, ask Doug, ask Mom, ask Grandpa, ask Uncle Larry, ask Waller, ask GMO, ask SOMEONE. I just want you to be happy.

I love you.

Love,

Jeni (emb)

**Editor’s note: I have agonized as to whether it’s the right thing to write about what happened with Joe here. On the one hand, I am now exposing what he did to more people. On the other, most of these people already know and the one person who it mattered to the most, Heidi, already knows, so what’s the difference. At this point, Joe has written me off. It’s my blog and my life and I don’t believe that anything I write or don’t write here is going to make him come back. So, I am choosing to write.**