**Fair warning: This is going to be a whiny, “please feel sorry for me” sort of post. I have actually been resisting writing it, but I am hoping if I can blog vomit it, I can move on a little. Feel free to skip**
Man, I feel like a reject lately. I actually can’t think of a time where I have felt more un-loved. It’s not just Joe, either, it’s almost everyone I know.
My dad. We always joke about the “favorite”. It’s a joke that lives in truth, because whether my dad will admit it or not, there is always a point where he treats one of us with more . . . esteem than the others. I was the favorite for quite awhile. Now, I have been feeling like my dad chose sides in the whole Jeni vs. Joe (aka WWIII) debacle and it feels shitty. I’ll admit, I’ve pulled away a bit. Some of the things he’s done made me question the kind of person he is. I don’t feel like I can go to him, trust him, with problems. The final straw came last Friday when Dawn told me he was going to NM in September. See, earlier this year, he flew Joe out to MN to spend some time with him. Then he flew Dawn and her family out in July. He knew I couldn’t take time off (because of my shitty job), so he promised he’d come visit in September. He hadn’t mentioned it in awhile and so I asked him. He said he didn’t have the time anymore, which I was fine with. Until I found out he had time to go to NM. Now, I know that he’s not going expressly to visit Dawn or Joe, but it’s not like he won’t. I am so tired of being chosen last, if at all, by everyone.
Cara was in Seattle this weekend. One of her friends is having a baby, so Cara came out for the baby shower. I was supposed to go over Friday to help Cara cook and then have dinner with her on Saturday. Neither of those things happened. So much was going on with the other group of people, Cara just couldn’t find the time. I DO understand and I told Cara as much, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
And my other friends. I haven’t seen Louisa in almost 2 months. We were supposed to get together the weekend Michael was gone. She texted me she was sick. I told her to get better. Apparently she did, because I saw on Facebook she had a bunch of friends over to her house the next day. I know it’s me and maybe I am too sensitive these days, but it felt really personal. It felt the same way when Heidi and I made plans, but they had to be later, because she had spin class. I told her if she decided not to go to let me know (she was hemming and hawing, not really wanting to go to class) because I would just be doing nothing until then. She didn’t go to spin class, she went bowling with some other friends instead. When I said something to her about it, she got defensive and then didn’t call me at all the next day, even though we had made plans.
Look, I don’t expect my friends to be at my beck and call and I know things happen, but it seems they happen more and more lately. I would rather people NOT make plans or, at the very least, tell me you have a problem with me or with yourself and that you don’t want to see me. I GET that. I feel like that too sometimes. But I tell people that.
I am just emotionally exhausted.
I know how you feel. And it sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I create my own problems when I can’t roll with the punches. And social media doesn’t help either when you can so quickly figure out what someone is doing when they’re not with you. Adds another layer to the complexity, that’s for sure.
Wish I could tell you how to feel better, but if you find something, work it!