I knew what he was really saying.
You can’t quit your job.
The thought of being able to quit my job in November has been the light at the end of the tunnel. I am miserable. I have been for years, but moreso these last 10 months. I am fairly certain that spending 9 hours a day feeling angry, trapped and resentful has affected all areas of my life.
Michael and I spend a lot of time fighting. It takes me a good 2 hours at home before I let go of my anger and tension. I stopped wearing make-up, one of my most favorite things. I used to look forward to doing my hair, picking out my outfit and deciding what color eye shadow to wear. Now, it’s a good day if I wash my hair. I don’t have friendships I want to have. Partly because of my friends, but partly because I am probably not a person people want to be around.
I am certain my misery seeps from my pores.
You can’t quit your job.
He didn’t actually say it, but I knew it’s what he meant. Somewhere along the way, my income has become too important. I make too much money. Who knew that could become a bad thing?
And I think how much easier it would be if I was alone. I could chose. I could move to a cheaper apartment outside the city. I wouldn’t have a mortgage hanging over my head. I wouldn’t have the debt from Michael’s past mistakes. I wouldn’t have to pay for TWO cable boxes, both with HD and DVR capabilites. I could take a job I might actually like. One where I make way less money, but I didn’t feel like my sanity was slowly slipping away.
Maybe I could find myself again. Figure out what I should be doing for the rest of my life. Maybe I would move back to New Mexico and get a taste for what my life could be.
A life without Michael.
Is that what I really want?
I chose him. I was willing to be with him no matter the cost to myself and the cost was steep. It’s funny how when you look back, things never look as bad as they felt then. It was bad then. It might have been worse than it is now.
But now is now and now feels pretty damn bad.
I don’t have any fantastic words of advice. I’m just glad that you are able the reflect on the situation you are in and can acknowledge that not everything is how you’d like it to be. Understanding can be so powerful.
I’d love to not work, but we’re in the same boat – I make too much (which is hilarious, btw) that we would sink without my income.
Jeni, I tell you this: being miserable for most of the day nearly every day of the week is absolutely detrimental to your mental health and to all the relationships you have. Some people might be unhappy at their jobs and they can make do, but living miserable is not worth it at all.
I’ve lived that, and everything you have means nothing when you hate your job. Personally, I’d rather live with the mere basics of life than to be forced to work somewhere I hate. I really hope that another way makes itself known soon…
Your mental and emotional well-being is more important than having stuff. Now, I’m not saying that it’s a good idea to be homeless (as I would eventually be if I quit *MY* job since I live alone), but when the options filter down to medication, suicide, or losing the people you love because you don’t choose one of the first two, it’s time for a big ol’ change.
Easier said than done, I know (believe me, I KNOW), even though I’ve never had the good fortune of making too much money. Heck, in the last ten years I haven’t made the sum I made in 1999 and that was about one fifth of what my Honey earns himself (okay, that was just depressing). Maybe Michael doesn’t understand the gravity of it? Seems that when guys know a change has to be made, they do it but expect us to be superwomen.
I could have a million suggestions here but instead I’ll just send you warm thoughts and hope you find a way out of it as a team since I know that’s what you want most of all … not to have to make a choice.
How did you get in my head to write this?
If you quit your job – I’ll quit mine and we can be homeless and live on the beach. They have showers there!