Breathe

I don’t know if I can forgive him. I don’t think I am a better, stronger person. I feel weak and lost. It’s not just the lie. What he did-what he’s doing-is tearing our family apart. I used to think no one had a family as close as ours, now I know that was just what we wanted to think and that the slightest wind can blow us apart. Pieces scattered, unable to be put back together. 

I’d pick-up the pieces
but some scattered too far
You see they flew when I kicked them, cross the floor -Rob Thomas, Dear Joan

I don’t know what I would say to him if he actually called. I don’t know if I want to talk to him anymore. I begged and I bribed and now I have begun to forget. There are days when I don’t think of him until very late-on my way home from work or while laying in bed, before sleep. He is being erased from my daily existence and soon I will be over him.

I can’t erase him completely. He is my brother. However, I have started planning on how to avoid him. I was so looking forward to Christmas this year-we haven’t been home for Christmas since his graduation-but now it seems healthier to just stay home. Avoid having to avoid him.

I can’t let him keep hurting me. I don’t want to fracture that delicate scab.

I have enough problems with me to deal with. I need to find out who I am and who I want to be. I used to think he would always be an essential part of me. Now I know that no one is a part of me. I stand alone. I have so much to learn.

 So don’t forget to breathe
Don’t forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don’t forget to breathe
Keep your head above water
But don’t forget to breathe -Alexi Murdoch, Breathe