To change or not to change

I have been thinking a lot about me lately. My flaws and weaknesses. My strengths. Why I am the way I am. How I have changed for better or worse.

I wish I could say this is about self-reflection, the new year or trying to grow and be a better person. But, it’s about him. Everything is about him. I need him. I need to do whatever I can do to get him back (save pretending to be his ex-girlfriend. Dumbass).

I am not sure the best way to go about this. I tend to start things and not finish them. Especially when I have to take a long hard look at myself. For now, the general plan will be to list out what I think all my flaws/weaknesses/strengths are and then, to look back. Look at how I got here. I want to write stories of my life that may or may not be significant. I know I can’t pinpoint the moment “Oh! If I would have just veered right, instead of left, it would all be OK”, but I can try to find where certain behaviors started and maybe figure out why.

Basically, my blog just became therapy and anyone who reads it became unwilling participants.

I have thought about therapy, real therapy, but I know I am not quite there. Last time I did it, I wasn’t honest, I didn’t listen to her and I didn’t change one tiny bit. I have too much trouble opening up to people. Even people I am closest too.

Hopefully this won’t be ALL I write about, but writing helps. Which is why I have felt so frustrated lately. I haven’t been able to put words to anything and it’s been hurting me. I feel like if I start to look back, tell stories I’ve told a million times (thank you Gonzales genes), it might be easier. It might help. It can’t hurt to try.

So . . . here goes nothing:

The list of me, as I see it:

1. Stubborn. Unrelentingly stubborn. It’s worse than a fault. It can and has been crippling me
2. Mean, mean, mean. I can be so mean and so cold if I don’t like you. There is no reason to be so mean.
3. Generous. I try to give as much as I can to the people I love. However, sometimes, when it comes to “things” I try too hard. I think I use money and presents to buy love, much like my parents did with me, though they each did it in different ways.
4. Fiercely loyal. . .
5. . . . though, to willing to cut someone out of my life whom I think has wronged me or a loved one. I also tend to do this, if I think there might be some argument between us. I’d prefer to cut you out first, before you can do it to me.
6. Too demanding. I expect way too much out of people, it’s impossible for them not to fail me
7. I am very insightful and give great advice to friends and family. I tend to be the person most people turn to.
8. I am more sensitive than I let on. This is a weakness in my eyes, but maybe a good thing if I ever let people know it
9. I am so, so lazy. Once I get going, I kick ass, but it takes A LOT to get me going. So. Lazy.
10. I am very self-aware. I don’t always use this to make myself better, but I am very aware of all my bullshit

I am certain there is so much I can add to this list, but it’s a start.

Hopefully the start of something good.