For the record, that title is from some SATC episode. I wish I was cute and clever and could write like Michael Patrick King-before he got all greedy and started making stupid movies. I digress.
Today, my sister said to me “I’m afraid that there may come a time when I’m asked what my passion is and I won’t have an answer anymore”.
I don’t have an answer anymore. If we don’t consistently work on our passions, do they go away? If I would have stayed in Connecticut, teaching children’s theatre, would I still be passionate about that? I’m not passionate about it now. I don’t feel some pull bringing me back or any sort of regret. But I don’t know what my passion is. I’m not passionate about my job. If anything, I am angry about my job. I don’t feel like I know how to explore what my passion might be.
This is such a common life topic. Besides me and my sister, I know a few of my blogger buddies are contemplating the same thing in various forms. For so many people, our jobs are a means to an end-houses, kids, vacations, etc. We work, often at jobs we hate, so we can do what we love in our spare time and/or have those dreams (that yard with a white picket fence). The problem is, we’re too tired in our spare time to focus on things we love to do or enjoying that house. We don’t have time to take our vacations. I don’t have time to figure out my passion.
I would gladly trade the money I make to be happy and in-love with what I do. There are 2 catches-1) I have no idea what that may be and 2)I’ve made my choices. We have a place we love, that we can’t afford without my salary. [Before Michael lost his job] we go out to dinner whenever we want, we see every movie that looks good, I buy as much new music as I want, new clothes, new shoes, gifts for my friends-it’s a good life. We save a lot and we pay down our debt (granted, much of it’s from Michael’s choices, not mine, but I have certainly helped accumulate that debt). But, in order to have that life, I have to spend 40+ hours a week choking on my misery.
Harry Potter: “They’re going to kill him?”
Hermione: “No. It’s worse. Much worse. They’re going to suck out his soul.”
I would gladly give up much of those things I mentioned, if I could. But I can’t get out of a mortgage. We would be screwed. I can’t make the debt go away. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no options and everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out. And much like my sister’s fear, I don’t know what my passions are anymore. I feel like if I at least had any inkling, I would have something tangible to work with.
I don’t know how to find my passion. I am just hoping I do before there is no soul left.
I don’t think you lose your soul. Passion can come and go. Maybe if you made a free form brainstorm list of things you want to try that sound interesting you could start from there. Take a class here or an adventure there and you’ll likely find something that sparks your interest. I know that for me passion is not something that falls into my lap; it is something I pursue and explore.
Keep at it!
thank you. this sums up to a fucking T how I have been feeling the last few months. I was just labelling it a vague “hopeless nowhere-ness” but you laid it all out on the lou.
This post is not only spot-on, but man, your timing is incredible. Every night I walk past my “office”, a room filled with project on top of projects that I’ve been waiting for years to have the space and time to work on. Now i have the space, but not the time. I get up at 6:30 (not early by any means), get myself ready, Griffin ready, off to daycare, off to work, pick up Griffin, get home, dinner, bath, Griffin’s bedtime, and by 8 I am EXHAUSTED and all I feel like doing is reading a book or watching t.v. So, all of my projects, and a part of my heart, sit in that great space waiting for me to find that time to do them.
I’m looking for the same answers, Jen. I think most people if they are truly honest with themselves are.
I’m in the same spot and have been for awhile. A coworker stopped by my desk one day to gossip and he asked me what I really thought of the place. Told him I felt like I’d wasted my life and he said that’s how he feels too. Sweety asks me what do I really LIKE any more and I can’t give him an answer.
I agree with Sizzle, you have to work at it. But I think the fact that you are even putting it out there to the Universe is good. Sometimes things happen in a positive way when we are honest with ourselves.
Passion doesn’t have to equal work either. Finding something you enjoy doing might even make work easier? I remember my soul sucking job took the life out of me and made it difficult to even have energy to try and find something I enjoyed doing. Fight that the Dementors don’t take you too for down the hole.
I think you can see, you are not alone. I am very fortunate in that I don’t hate my job but that doesn’t mean it’s what I really wish to be doing with my life. For years now, I’ve been perusing the community college class listing, trying to narrow it all down to the one thing I’d love. The thing is, I won’t know until I do it!
I definitely agree with Aimee. Finding something you enjoy doing will make your job easier to handle. What exactly about the children’s theatre did you like? Maybe there is something similar you can do? Not as your day job, but maybe on the side, weekends or nights? How about some sort of volunteering? Maybe that could give you the inkling you need.
I appreciate this post so much. I’m trying to blog right now but am finding it hard. Maybe I’ll just post: Go read Jeni’s blog. I hear you times 100. I think Sizzle and Aimee are on to something, but I think it’s really hard. And I envy people who have found their *thing* and can be really passionate about it. I haven’t. Or I have (surfing) but it’s not practical. I’m trying to look at this more as a journey where how we get there is more important than where we end up. I don’t know – it’s something.
Commenting for the first time under my real name feels strange …
As you know from reading my blogs for the past five years, Jeni, I’ve spent that time looking for my passion. Nearly everyone I encountered thought I was insane as I quit a “perfectly good job,” left an unhappy marriage (greatly reducing the amount of time I spend with my darling son), and moved cities twice. But that search for passion – romantic and professional – drove me. I couldn’t just sit there and complain, like the girl in Dave Matthews’ “Grey Street,” that the world had passed me by and if only I had given the tools I would have succeeded.
I have found the romantic passion, and while defining my professional passion has been more difficult, I have found a sense of balance that leaves me not just content but happy. But to get here I had to truly slough off the expectations and opinions of the world, and leave anyone who didn’t really love and support me behind.
It’s been worth it. I wish this for everyone.