I am not sure what I expected him to say . . .

“I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye.”

I guess there was nothing else to say. He couldn’t take back the truth. His truth.

I always loved him more than he loved me. Always. From the very beginning. It was my love for him that blinded me. Part of me feels like he tricked me; like he sold me some magic beans. But then, I can’t lay all the blame at his feet. I am not perfect. I am not an easy person to love. Clearly. Look at at all the problems with friends and family I have had the last few years. I can’t pretend I didn’t play a part.

But I do love him. I believed him when he said forever. We built a home and a life and I thought it was forever. I wouldn’t have ever left him. Ever. He knows that.

“Just because I’m hurting, doesn’t mean I’m hurt; doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserved. No better and no worse”

What did I expect? He was married. I didn’t “steal” him, but I didn’t help. And I believe the seeds you plant grow into something-good and bad. Did I really think I would come out of it on top, unscathed? Life doesn’t work that way.

There was a moment. His divorce was almost final and his friend wanted to set him up. I had been sleeping with him for almost 2 years at that point, but I was so done. I had been done 6 months before, but my love (stupid, stupid love) kept me there. I told him he could date, but not me. I wasn’t going to wait around while he played house with me and dated other women. We were done. We didn’t call, email, see each other-no communication. I wasn’t happy, but I was glad I put my foot down. I stood up for myself and I had to figure it out.

And then he called me, about a month later. He said he loved me. He told me there was no one else out there like me. He said he wanted to be with me and only me.

I believed him.

3 months later we moved in together.

And I feel like I will never know if he ever really loved me or if he just made an easy choice. I will never understand how he could be so cavalier with my life. Because, for all my faults (and there are many. Oh so many), I could never do that.

I am so scared for me. I can’t imagine ever loving again. I know people say that, but I truly don’t know how I can trust someone. As I already said: every man I have ever loved has left me. That’s not an exaggeration. I wish I could say it was.

How will I ever get over that?