I don’t know what word I would use to describe my relationship with Michael now. “Friends” feels like too strong a word. But we don’t hate each other. We talk on the phone semi-regularly. He called to check on me when he found out about The Gray. Still. “Friends” isn’t it. I don’t have a word.
I talked to him today. I told him about the fact that I have to move.
Then…then he offered for me to move into our old condo.
Yeah. That happened.
There are a lot of pros. I LOVE that place, obviously. Love, love, love it. It will be easier on the grays. Landon will [hopefully] not go too crazy, since it was his home for 5 years. I can stay in the community I love. I can continue to walk to work. The rent is the same or cheaper than places twice as far away.
Those are some really, really good reasons to move into that place. And all the reasons not to do it are . . . hypothetical? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Basically, all the reasons not to do it are things I can’t know until I actually do it.
Like how it will feel to move all of our stuff back into the exact same spot, like the last year never even happened.
Like how I will feel staring at the book case Michael built for me with his two hands.
Like how can I date someone and bring them back to a place I built with an ex; a place we made with “love” and “forever”.
Like how every day might feel like I am just waiting for Michael to come home.
I don’t know. I may never feel those things. I may feel them constantly and they may never go away. I may feel them for awhile, but then they’ll fade. I have no way of knowing.
I don’t know.
I love Michael, but I will never, ever get back together with him. Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me. It’s not something I ever think about. It’s not something I want. I just don’t want my emotions to trick me into anything different. (Though, it takes two to tango and, clearly, Michael doesn’t want that, so I shouldn’t worry about that too much)
I have to decide by Friday.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get harder…life laughs at me.
That’s a hard place to be in, J. I’m sending you a lot of positivity and strength as you make this decision. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you. Trust yourself.
Oh, whoa…could you try it and if it’s just too much to bear move again? I know that you hate moving but maybe it would be worth it to stay in this community?
This sounds incredibly tough. Holy hell. I think if it were me, I might get a fresh start, even though that’s not ideal. I mean, both options are hard. You’re exactly right when you say the reasons not to move back are hypothetical. I guess you have to try to find your gut feeling. Also not easy. Sending lots of love xo