To say the last few weeks have been rough. . . well, clearly, that would be an understatement.

Last week, I shut out the entire world and just curled into a ball and tried not to die. This week I was forced to go back to work and interact with other human beings. That hasn’t been easy.

Then, a huge decision presented itself to me, just when I thought I couldn’t handle one. more. thing.

Of course, we always think we can’t handle things, but we handle them just the same. We eat our elephants one bite at a time.

Yesterday I realized how much I have to be grateful for. On Tuesday, I had great conversations with my sister and my dad. I had a good, clarifying call with Michael. On Wednesday, I went to Therapy (even though I really, really didn’t want to), followed by a wonderful conversation with my best friend of 16+ years, Cara. I am so lucky to have so many people to talk to; people who know me and can help make decisions (especially when making a decision is the last thing I want to do).

After therapy and talking to Cara, I decided what to do about my housing situation. In fact, what they said (coupled with conversations with my dad and sister) just made so much sense I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I am going to move back into my old condo.

This isn’t a decision I have taken lightly in any way and I am the type of person that once I decide something, that’s just it. Many people have said to me that I should consider moving and just having a fresh start. And I took that advice to heart. It was something worth considering. Ultimately, what it comes down to is my need to stand still.

With all that has happened in the last year, moving into my condo will be comforting. It will be like going home because it IS going home. Where I live now has never even felt close to home. Moving back into my condo, with things just so will feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I know I won’t live there forever, but I can live there for a time and, I think, heal a little bit. What’s more, it’s a place I have lived with The Gray. I wasn’t looking forward to moving to my first home without her. Now I won’t have to just yet. This is almost the opposite of the change that I dread so much. It’s not change at all.

I have no illusions that it won’t be hard at first. It will be. But I believe I can move on from that.

I am ready to stand still.