When I was in middle school, I took “advanced English”. Can you tell? My 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Thompson, was a grammar FREAK. I say this in the most loving way. By the end of the year, that woman made sure we had learned everything there was to learn about grammar. Which is good, because, in my high school, we did less grammar and more reading analysis/paper writing. Neither Joe or Ed had Mrs. Thompson and I’m sorry to point out so publically (who am I kidding, I love calling people out), but their grammar leaves a lot to be desired. Not that their writing is bad. Both of them write very well, in different ways. The grammar, however, always needs checking. Which is where I come in. In fact, Ed told me the other day that he gets graded on content/grammar (i.e. B for content/F for grammar). Naturally, I asked what grades I have been getting for the last 4 years. A’s, baby! I’ve been getting A’s. I am a little disheartened that Ed didn’t share this sooner, but I am elated nonetheless.

This brings me to my point. As an avid Twitter user, I get that Twitter is a 140 characters or less snippet of thoughts. I get that it doesn’t have to be some eloquent, grammatically correct diatribe on social injustice. However, I can no longer abide by the fact that NO ONE seems to under stand that “A LOT” is TWO words. Two words people. It’s not alot. It’s A (SPACE) LOT. Unless everyone means “allot” and just forgot the extra “L”. I liked that allot. Hmmm, somehow, I don’t think so. A LOT. A                  LOT. A LOT. I liked that A      LOT.

I have wanted to write that for so long, it really is a release. The reason I never did was because I didn’t want the grammar police critiquing my every post.

I guess I decided it was a price I am willing to pay.

It seems to me, that you are basically living as a guest for 4 fucking years. I wouldn’t want to come home to Gray’s throw up on the pillow in the Lincoln Bedroom. I don’t want it to be MY fault I overflowed the toilet and ruined the bowling alley. I feel like you would be walking on eggshells.

If it were me, I would just rent a cute little townhouse down the road and call it good.

It’s an interesting thought-what impact do I want to make on the world? What impact am I currently making on the world?

I don’t have a speech prepared, per se. I am just going to jot down some thoughts that I would help people would say or think at my funeral: (If I have a funeral-more on that later.)

She was fiercely loyal.

She loved her family more than you could possibly imagine. She did all she could to make sure they knew that.

She was generous-with her time, her money, her thoughts and her feelings.

She loved Hilary Duff.

She was funny-even if it was in a weird way that only those closest to her got.

She was a furist and no matter what anyone did, they could not get her to be more open minded when it came to cats. Gray was the only way.

But she was open minded in everything else.

She made mistakes-a lot of them-but she never tried to pass the blame. She worked hard to learn from them and never repeat them. She would always take responsibility for her actions.

She looked good as blonde. And a redhead. And a brunette.

She kicked ass at her job [Whether I still work for Tom or I am in the circus-I still want that to be true]

She was a bitch. In fact, I am glad I was on her good side.

She was extremely supportive-even if she didn’t always agree with what you were doing.

She was happy.

She lived the life she wanted to live

What would you say about me?

As for the funeral: DO NOT BURY ME. I don’t some group of people at the cemetery crying as I am lowered into the ground. Damn. That would be horrible! Cremate me. And pass me around. I want to be like Jim. All over. I want my ashes to be left all over the world. And with my family.

Although I don’t want a church funeral, I know how important it is for people to comfort each other after the death of a loved one. So throw a big ass party. With a lot of booze. Specifically Grey Goose and Blueberry Stoli.

Tell stories about me. Don’t forget the one about the time we tried to steal the cows. Or the time we went to NYC-day of devastation. However, you need to make sure some of my secrets are buried with me-like how my hood got that huge gash in it. And this blog address-make sure it’s deleted. We wouldn’t want people finding out things they shouldn’t ever know.

Is this morbid??? I don’t think so. I think it’s good to think about these things.

Quote of the day

“I like ‘em. I have to”

I am just hoping to make it to tomorrow morning with no incident. Wish me luck.

I have a new job as Dawn’s booking agent. If this confuses you, let me post an example of an email I had to send her this morning:

Mrs. Osborn,

Here are some upcoming events on your schedule:

ASAP: Rent a car. It must seat 8 (including 2 children) and should be picked up by Mr. Osborn on Wednesday, November 23rd at around 5:30 ish(his flight lands at 5:35 PM). This car will be returned Saturday,November 26th before your 1:50 PM flight.

Friday, October 14th: Dinner around 5ish at Sadies with Mr. Gonzales and Ms. Tavenner. This will be followed by taking in a show at St.Pius High School-Guys and Dolls. Hint: bring some cards and brochures, as this may be a good chance to network. This event MAY be followed by an airport pickup of Mr. Gonzales (SR) and Ms. Horton. Details to follow.

Sunday, October 16th: Most likely, breakfast at Rudy and Marcella Gonzales-of the Santa Fe Gonzales’.

This is your list of to-dos as of today. When other events come up, you will be notified.

Thanks,
Estelle

You know . . . if only I could get myself that kind of service.

I love that I am blogging here at work on Friday morning. To recap my (productive) week at work:

Monday: Arrived at 11 AM, left at 5 PM
Tuesday: Arrived at 7:45 AM, left at 4 PM
Wednesday: DID NOT ARRIVE AT ALL
Thursday: Arrived at 7:45 AM, left at 3:30 PM
Friday: Arrived at 8 AM, (did not work) and will probably leave around 4 ish (if not earlier).

I am a shining star of an employee.

But it all falls in line with the chaos of this week. In all parts of the family. Dawn and the employee situation, Nikkie and her non-employment situation and me and the news that devastated me to my very end.

Last night in Therapy I realized (and yes it may have been obvious, but I missed it) that I led a dual life. Which I did when I lived in NM. In fact, the only time I have ever been “1 Jeni” is when I lived with my Dad in CT. It’s a little scary to think about. I wish I knew how to make myself 1 person again and not feel the need to have all these separate lives. I just keep putting myself in situations, though, where that is basically the only choice. Dumb.

Sigh.

Another weekend. Monday is the Ring the Bell day-THAT will be so cool and I will be up watching. Early. Then you will never have to hear me go on and on about it again.

Quote of the day:

“Oh no! We dropped Aunti Jeni! Aunti Jeni, you OK?”

Random Pic:

OK, I know you all (y’all BS style) love when I post the oh, so interesting tidbits about myself. I know you check the blog everyday in vain hope that once again you will read a bunch of questions about things you never wanted to know about me.

Happy to comply:

1) CD in your car that you are embarrassed to admit that you have: hmmmmm. I don’t normally buy CD’s if they are going to embarrass me. I let Dawn buy those. Maybe someone would think that I having the Chorus Line soundtrack is embarrassing? Not I, my friend. Not I.

2) Song currently on the radio that you sing to in your car, that you are embarrassed to admit that you know the words to and like: Well, it would be pointless to say “Behind these Hazel Eyes” , as I have already outed myself on that one. So I am going to go with “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey. I know, I know. Gather the stones.

3) TV show(s) that you secretly watch that you are embarrassed to admit: Hmmm . . .I guess I really love those horrible dating shows on MTV, like Room Raiders and Date My Mom. Sad times.

4) TV or Movie Star that you would sleep with but are too embarrassed to admit that you would, because he/she is not your “normal” type: Well, come on people . . .who wouldn’t I sleep with? Geez, this is a hard question. I really can’t think of anyone, so moving on . . .

5) Musician that you would sleep with but are too embarrassed to admit that you would, because he/she is not your “normal” type: Fuck. I am going to go with Ashlee Simpson. She seems like such a whore. That could be fun.

6) Secret single behavior that you do at home when alone but are too embarrassed to admit: Use the bathroom with the door open. It’s hard when peeps come to visit cause I have to remember to shut the door. Thanksgiving, here we come! You know, I am not actually embarrassed about this . . .

7) Admit HONESTLY what REALLY attracts you to the opposite sex at first site: Eyes and/or jawline. I like colored eyes (sorry brown eyed peeps) and a good jawline. . .

Even though you are not gay, admit HONESTLY someone of the same sex who you would have sex with if you were gay: Hmmm, I could name tons o’girls . . .Heidi Klum, Hilary Duff-wait I take that back, I love Hil D. too much to degrade her in such a fashion.

9) Name an Olympic sport that you are embarrassed to admit that you like watching: hmmm, Aunti Chic and I used to watch gymnastics one summer. . .that was fun.

10) Have you ever masturbated in a public place? I will not answer this out of respect for myself and my family. I mean, for heaven’s sake. I am a good girl.

11) Have you ever had a job that no one knew about? If yes, what was it? A secret job? Does Whore count? Wait . . . everyone knew about that job . . . never mind.

12) If you could be invisible for one day, who would you spy on? OOOOOO . . . one person?? Well, I can think of my REAL answer. But for purposes of not pissing anyone off, I am going to say Brad Renfro . . . mostly so I can see him naked and decide if my infatuation is worth it. (wink, wink)

13) Be honest…Have you ever had phone sex? Please refer to the answer for #10

14) Be honest…Have you ever hooked up with a friend of your gf/bf while you were dating? No.

15) Have you ever hooked up with someone that you would never tell your friends? Well . . . . I have done that . . .but I have a big mouth, so most of you already know. So, I guess no and yes. Since I didn’t tell any of my friends here about it.

And there you have it. Your life is complete. Go forth and die happy.

What was I doing 10 years ago: I was 13, about to start 8th grade. Since it was summer, I was probably not doing much.

5 years ago: I had just graduated from High School. . .what did I do that summer?? Nothing much, hung out with friends like crazy . . .visited my sister and Matthew (he was a baby!)

1 year ago: Same freaking thing I am doing now . . .um. . .exactly the same thing. . .well, minus 1 thing I guess. . .can’t tell if that is a good or bad thing.

Yesterday: Dealing with the BITCH at the airport

5 Snacks I enjoy: Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Heath Ice Cream, Graham Crackers, Chips & Sadie’s Salsa, Cheetos and Mammy.

5 songs I know all the words to: um. . .there are a lot. . .Let’s go for the “Secret Shame” edition of this question: Behind these Hazel Eyes, Toxic, So Yesterday, It’s Gonna Be Me and Pieces of Me

5 Things I would do with a $100 million: Give a BUNCH of $$$ to NAAR, Split it up with my family, Move with Dawn and the kids to a land far, far away, Buy a house with enough room to start my Gray Cat Ranch and get tickets to the Coldplay Concert in August.

5 Locations I would like to run away to: Paris, London, Costa Rica, NYC and a cabin in the wilderness in an undisclosed location.

5 Bad habits I have: Smoking, Drinking, Cursing, Procrastinating and TARGET.

5 Things I like doing: Smoking, Drinking, Cursing, Procrastinating and TARGET.

5 Things I would never wear: Gray Cat Fur, ANYTHING designed by J Lo, a scrunchy, Doug’s jeans and THESE

5 TV shows I like: Best Week EVER, Charmed, The Comeback, ER and any RR/RW Challenge

5 Biggest joys of the moment: My nephews, the Grays, Mammy, Vodka & Red Bull and Matthew

5 Favorite toys: Um. . .I don’t know if this is really a Blog appropriate question . . .I will say: My triple action Web Blaster, Landon, My digital camera, My laptop and um . . . .can’t think of anything else. . . .clean.

Quote of the day:

“We thought he was already potty-trained”

Nothing exciting has happened in my life. I am sorry Dawn.

Well-I guess I take that back-I got my NAAR shirt this week!! THAT was way rockstar. It’s exactly what I wanted. Just because some people may not know how to spell their own son’s name. Just kidding Doug-don’t fire Keiko. In any case, the shirt was awesome-PLUS I got a Valentine from my Matthew (who could want a better Valentine??) AND the piece for wireless internet. Dawn ROCKS.

Nikkie had a crappy week at work-she found out she was being transferred to another store. I, of course, went into “let’s find you another job” mode. I am working on her resume. I think I should become a professional Head Hunter. How do you become that?? All I know, is everyone comes to me when they want to quit-and need help finding another job. And everyone comes to me when they are looking for someone to work for them. Seriously. At least once a week, I spend time trying to find someone a job/employee. Hmmmm. . . .

I found out Tim has an unknown Kelly Clarkson secret shame. He asked me who sings “Breakaway” and “Since you’ve been gone”. He was horrified to find out the answer. Even MORE horrified to find out Avril Lavigne wrote “Breakaway”. Sad times for Tim. If you know how important music is to Tim, then you know how sad he is.

Sorry I have nothing better to blog about.

Quote of the day:
“Why are you calling me from a bathroom? I can hear the echo.”

Doug’s Birthday is Tuesday the 24th I get it. . .I am an idiot. . .really, I’m ok with that. . .

Oh yeah-actually. . .the 24th is EVERYONE’S Birthday. . .not today. . .so. . .the 20th is just a nothing day. . .And I am Pablo. . .riiiiiiight. . .

Insano with my Lou

Insano just in general. . .because I need some sleep. . .and I’d like to go to Target. . .but there is no Target. . .Target is closed for business. . .