Today, my sister said to me “I’m afraid that there may come a time when I’m asked what my passion is and I won’t have an answer anymore”.

I don’t have an answer anymore. If we don’t consistently work on our passions, do they go away? If I would have stayed in Connecticut, teaching children’s theatre, would I still be passionate about that? I’m not passionate about it now. I don’t feel some pull bringing me back or any sort of regret. But I don’t know what my passion is. I’m not passionate about my job. If anything, I am angry about my job. I don’t feel like I know how to explore what my passion might be.

This is such a common life topic. Besides me and my sister, I know a few of my blogger buddies are contemplating the same thing in various forms. For so many people, our jobs are a means to an end-houses, kids, vacations, etc. We work, often at jobs we hate, so we can do what we love in our spare time and/or have those dreams (that yard with a white picket fence). The problem is, we’re too tired in our spare time to focus on things we love to do or enjoying that house. We don’t have time to take our vacations. I don’t have time to figure out my passion.

I would gladly trade the money I make to be happy and in-love with what I do. There are 2 catches-1) I have no idea what that may be and 2)I’ve made my choices. We have a place we love, that we can’t afford without my salary. [Before Michael lost his job] we go out to dinner whenever we want, we see every movie that looks good, I buy as much new music as I want, new clothes, new shoes, gifts for my friends-it’s a good life. We save a lot and we pay down our debt (granted, much of it’s from Michael’s choices, not mine, but I have certainly helped accumulate that debt). But, in order to have that life, I have to spend 40+ hours a week choking on my misery.

Harry Potter: “They’re going to kill him?”
Hermione: “No. It’s worse. Much worse. They’re going to suck out his soul.”

I would gladly give up much of those things I mentioned, if I could. But I can’t get out of a mortgage. We would be screwed. I can’t make the debt go away. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no options and everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out. And much like my sister’s fear, I don’t know what my passions are anymore. I feel like if I at least had any inkling, I would have something tangible to work with.

I don’t know how to find my passion. I am just hoping I do before there is no soul left.

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1. I am so excited because a journal I have wanted FOREVER from Sweet Bella went on sale today. It’s the little things in life. . .
2. My girl, LSL, sent me a mix CD, chocolate and a little note. This pretty much made my week, if not month.
3. Apparently, some people (coughJoecough) think I am sostupid, that I would use other people’s cell phones to try and contact them. Like THAT would work. “Oh! So you tricked me and lied? Well, that’s OK, even though I haven’t spoken to you in 6 months, I forgive you and will talk to you anyway!” Right. That makes soooo much sense.
4. Holidays are coming up. I’ve done my best to get into the Holiday spirit, but, it hasn’t quite been working out.
5. It hasn’t yet been a week, but I miss Ed.
6. I am ready for a new tattoo
7. I have been trying very hard to make Google Wave work for me. I don’t think I should have to try so hard, Google. Also, I have some invites if anyone wants one.
8. Michael got The Gray cat a small heating pad, because she loves her warmth. However, I noticed last night that it has 15 pounds of fur on it and she seems to be going bald in some spots. So, I told him that it can only be kept on in a limited capacity
9. I am still angry that I couldn’t (although, OK, I chose not to) go home for Christmas

I am not loving this post. But I am, once again, trying to push through my issues and just post it.

Fuck you. No, really. You can fuck off and die. Is that too harsh? I really don’t think so.

Today, I woke up in a good mood. I might be tempted to say GREAT mood. But, if I did that, it would just tempt YOU into shitting all over it. You don’t have to lie, I know I’m right.

Was it necessary for my blow dryer (not more than a year old) to break when my hair is half wet and totally frizzy? Did you find it HILARIOUS that the people at Starbucks forgot to make my sandwhich, but by then I was running late, so I left without it and now I am starving? Oh! Here’s a good one: I couldn’t avoid a branch in the road, so, when I drove over it, I heard it scrape the bottom of my NEW car. Also? That bump made my coffee spill all over the inside of my NEW car. It must have been just the BEST when I saw the huge blue stain on my white shirt. The white shirt I washed yesterday and was pristine when I left the house. And when I sat down at my desk (oh yes, all of this happened before 9 AM-so awesome) my mouse mysteriously no longer worked and my space heater was broken. High-five! You today, are PRICELESS.

And you know what? I decided that since you suck, I’m not going to be upset. I’m not going to be cranky and I’m not going to be mean. I will KILL you with kindness, even if you try to kill me first. I was presented with an opportunity to help a friend and all the fun and joy that comes with it easily overpowers anything you can throw at me.

So there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Love,

Jeni Angel

I LOVE concerts. I love them. I go to between 10 and 15 concerts a year. For me, nothing is better than live music. Most of the music I listen to is just that much better live.

I generally force Heidi to go to concerts with me. Not to say she doesn’t like the artist or doesn’t want to go, it’s just that I buy tickets and tell her when to show up. Heidi always has fun. But, the thing is, Heidi actually likes mainstream music. I know, don’t judge her too harshly. Actually, don’t judge me too harshly. I’m just mean and like what I like and I firmly believe that 99% of mainstream music is audio rape.

So, since Heidi always (happily) goes to my shows with me, I decided to throw her a bone. I bought her tickets to Colbie Caillat. Now, don’t get me wrong. Colbie Caillat is a perfectly nice girl with a beautiful voice. She just doesn’t do it for me. Her music doesn’t speak to me. That’s OK. Everyone likes different music.

Last night was the Colbie Caillat concert and it just reminded me of everything that’s wrong with concert goers these days.

Riddle me this: Why do people pay good money to see a performer, then LEAVE 40 minutes into their set. Is it suddenly a surprise that you’re not in bed at 10 PM on a Wednesday night? Are you THAT concerned about traffic home? I just can’t wrap my head around it. When I go to a concert, I go to a concert. That means standing and singing and dancing and clapping and screaming for an encore and watching the fucking encore. I don’t leave early to skip waiting 30 minutes to get out of a parking lot. That’s part of the experience.Heidi and I showed up about 15 minutes before Colbie Caillat went on and we were pretty far back. By the encore, we were almost to the front.

Don’t even get me started on the people who just stand there looking bored out of their mind. Why are they at the concert? These are the same people that cover their ears and roll their eyes when people cheer at the end of a song. They never sing, but they take a bunch of pictures. Lookie here, if the concert is really that annoying to you, go look up pictures of the artist on Google. I am sure the quality will be 10 times better than your camera phone. And you won’t have to put up with all these people who are enjoying themselves.

Of course, as I looked around at Colbie Caillat’s fans (mostly soccer moms, tweens and couples in their 50s), I had to wonder: When will I be too old for concerts? When will I want to leave early cause it’s 10 PM on a Wednesday night. WHEN SHOULD I JUST KILL MYSELF?!!?

Hopefully not any time soon.

I have a few more concerts to go to this year.

For awhile, I have wanted to have a  family website. I didn’t want it to be a blog, per se. I wanted everyone in our family to have the ability to contribute. BUT, I knew if that was to be the case, it had to be EASY. Like, not just easy, but easier than sleeping. I mean, I knew if it was too complicated (i.e. having to log-in or send a friend request or anything that required me to literally show them, multiple times, how to do it) no one would do it.

Enter Posterous. This is PERFECT. You never have to log-in. Not even to see what people are posting to your site. All the posts can be emailed to you and you can email all the posts in. If you send in a link to a You Tube video, it will automatically embed it for you. If you send in 10 pics from your vacation, it will create a gallery for you. If you send in an mp3, it will convert and embed for you. All through email. You can even reply and comment through email. EASY. It couldn’t be easier. I KNOW everyone in my family checks their email at least once a day (even my grandma). It seemed perfect.

I told Dawn “This will either be my greatest achievement or an epic fail”

The jury may still be out.

I sent an email to the family (there are a good number of us) and explained the idea and how easy the site was. I got a few favorable responses. Then? Then I got hit over the head with a frying pan.

I named the site GNN. It seemed fitting. We have used that word for years (no, seriously, like probably 6 or 7 years) to describe family news. “What’s the latest GNN?” = “What’s up with everyone? Anything new I should know about”. Hell, GNN is one of my categories on this blog. I generally use it in posts that have news of some sort, especially about family. From my perspective, it’s always been a positive thing.

Apparently, my grandma wouldn’t agree. She has taken it (again, for 6 or 7 years) to mean Grandma News Network and that it’s only gossip. Meaning, we think she is the queen of Gossip. Now, I don’t want to debate the veracity of that statement, but I’m not gonna lie: our family DOES do its fair share of gossiping. Honestly, it’s netiher here nor there. The crux of the problem is that for 6 or 7 years, we’ve been saying something that has hurt my grandma.

Suffice to say, my sister and I were horrified. We, along with my dad, pretty much coined the term and use it liberally. FOR SEVEN YEARS. We’ve been hurting my grandma and building resentment for seven years. I felt like the most horrible person on earth.

BUT I was mad too. Because, apparently, Grandma has told EVERYONE except us (meaning my dad’s branch of the family) that she hates this term. So, for seven year, everyone knows she hates it, yet we use it in conversation-especially when family is together-ALL THE TIME. We have looked like the biggest, most insensitive assholes for years.

I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t say anything to us. At least to my dad, who could have trickled the information down the pipe. OR, for that matter, why didn’t my aunt or uncle or cousin say something? We’ve used that term around them plenty of times when my grandma wasn’t even there. A simple “hey, you should know, Grandma hates when you guys say that” would have been appropriate. No. They couldn’t do that.

Why? Because it was better for them to be the kind, understanding ones whilst we are the mean, assholes. I’m not joking. There has been animosity towards my dad’s branch of the family ever since I knew what the word animosity meant. Why, it was only a few years ago that, while planning for a huge family camping trip for my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, that an ugly letter went around complaining about certain people in the family. The outcome? The trip was canceled by my grandfather. AND THEN, a few weeks later, all the people that were supposed to go on this camping trip, MINUS my dad’s branch, went camping together. One big happy family.

I don’t understand the resentment. I don’t know what we did. All I know is that, as the years go on, my delusion that we are the best family ever invented has slowly faded away. I know who I can trust, I know who really loves me and I know who will stab me in the back for a kind word.

Is it the way it should be? No. But it’s the way it is. All part of growing up, I guess.

Man, I feel like a reject lately. I actually can’t think of a time where I have felt more un-loved. It’s not just Joe, either, it’s almost everyone I know.

My dad. We always joke about the “favorite”. It’s a joke that lives in truth, because whether my dad will admit it or not, there is always a point where he treats one of us with more . . . esteem than the others. I was the favorite for quite awhile. Now, I have been feeling like my dad chose sides in the whole Jeni vs. Joe (aka WWIII) debacle and it feels shitty. I’ll admit, I’ve pulled away a bit. Some of the things he’s done made me question the kind of person he is. I don’t feel like I can go to him, trust him, with problems. The final straw came last Friday when Dawn told me he was going to NM in September. See, earlier this year, he flew Joe out to MN to spend some time with him. Then he flew Dawn and her family out in July. He knew I couldn’t take time off (because of my shitty job), so he promised he’d come visit in September. He hadn’t mentioned it in awhile and so I asked him. He said he didn’t have the time anymore, which I was fine with. Until I found out he had time to go to NM. Now, I know that he’s not going expressly to visit Dawn or Joe, but it’s not like he won’t. I am so tired of being chosen last, if at all, by everyone.

Cara was in Seattle this weekend. One of her friends is having a baby, so Cara came out for the baby shower. I was supposed to go over Friday to help Cara cook and then have dinner with her on Saturday. Neither of those things happened. So much was going on with the other group of people, Cara just couldn’t find the time. I DO understand and I told Cara as much, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

And my other friends. I haven’t seen Louisa in almost 2 months. We were supposed to get together the weekend Michael was gone. She texted me she was sick. I told her to get better. Apparently she did, because I saw on Facebook she had a bunch of friends over to her house the next day. I know it’s me and maybe I am too sensitive these days, but it felt really personal. It felt the same way when Heidi and I made plans, but they had to be later, because she had spin class. I told her if she decided not to go to let me know (she was hemming and hawing, not really wanting to go to class) because I would just be doing nothing until then. She didn’t go to spin class, she went bowling with some other friends instead. When I said something to her about it, she got defensive and then didn’t call me at all the next day, even though we had made plans.

Look, I don’t expect my friends to be at my beck and call and I know things happen, but it seems they happen more and more lately. I would rather people NOT make plans or, at the very least, tell me you have a problem with me or with yourself and that you don’t want to see me. I GET that. I feel like that too sometimes. But I tell people that.

I am just emotionally exhausted.

I’m angry at my parents. I am tired of being the parent. I know we are all older and we should be taking care of ourselves. Maybe I’m just stupid to think that you should act like fucking parents and not our friend; and not even the good kind of friend that tells you the hard truth no matter what, but the shitty kind of friend that is so desparate for a friend that they only tell you what you want to hear. Grow up. You’re fucking daughter is telling you to grow up.  And people wonder why I don’t want kids.

I am angry at Joe. He created this. And I am suffereing. Constantly. Every day is a battle with my sanity. This weekend I tried to work on my Ed Graduation video and I couldn’t make it through. Watching the footage of Joe was more than I could bear. It’s not likely that I will ever make that video.

I am angry at Dawn. For nothing. I’m angry she gets to spend a week in MN. I am angry that they planned a trip and waited until after it was planned to see if Joe and I could go, instead of including us in the planning so that we could have maybe picked a time that would have worked. I’m angry that this is what happened instead of us all getting together at Thanksgiving WHICH WAS HER IDEA. Given the current circumstances, however, I guess it’s better this way. I doubt there are any family events in our future.

I’m angry at this job. That I have to be here everyone doing something I HATE. Everyday I hate it more. I spend the entire day clenched in anger. It’s not a surprise that by the time I get home I can barely muster the energy to watch TV.

I am angry at me. Why am I ALWAYS in a “feud” with someone? I’m not stupid, Iam the common demoninator. I have worked so hard recently to clear and fix relationships and to be here again is soul crushing. I don’t like drama in my life, but I always have some. That means it’s me. I do this. I create it. And I have no idea how to fix it, how to fix me. I am so tired of feeling broken.

I’m tired of feeling angry.

Michael is going out of town this weekend. Normally, I’m like “Spring Break, Woo Hoo!”, but that’s when I had friends. In the past, on these lovely alone weekends, I would throw a party no one comes to. No one except Heidi. Alas, those days are long gone. I have no one to waste my free weekend with. I’ll likely end up alone on the couch: dirty, smelly and covered in Gray.

Actually, I was thinking I’d really like to get a facial, but ever since I broke up with Gene Juarez, I have yet to find a place for my face (he he. That rhymed). I also haven’t really had the $$$ for a facial, but I do have it right now. I just need to find a place . . . . I have also been thinking about getting botox. Seriously. Those 2 lines between my eyebrows are annoying. BUT . . . When I was in 5th grade, I decided it was time to shave my legs. I was, like, 10. I didn’t need to shave my legs, but I wanted to. I was “so cool” because I did and all the other girls wanted to be just like me. Translation? I have been shaving my fucking legs for 17 damn years. I probably have another good 40 years to go. What a fucking idiot. Which leads me to think . . . if I start botox now . . . it’s going to be a long, long life of needles. I am reconsidering.

When I started this blog post, I thought “I don’t want to talk about Heidi. All I do is talk about Heidi”. However, I really have nothing else to talk about. In the last 3 weeks, almost every “Daily Kabbalah Tune-Up” has been about “waiting until it’s too late to say you’re sorry” and “Reach out to someone you haven’t been getting along with” or “you get what you give”. Basically telling me I need to try and fix this. I want to fix it. I don’t know how. Honestly, I have spent the last week trying to figure out what went wrong exactly.

This much I know (in bullet points, from my point of view):

• Joe came to visit me for my birthday
• He asked if Heidi was hot and indicated he wanted to “hook-up” with her
• I told Heidi
• It was talked about-a lot
• We went to Palmers, Joe and Heidi made out-a lot
• We went to Heidi’s house with Taco Bell
• Michael left Joe there to spend the night
• They both talked about “what a great connection they had”
• I feel a little peeved
• Joe leaves, they begin long-distance dating
• Thanksgiving, the whole family is here. I hate JoeandHeidi. Not Joe or Heidi, but them together
• There is a HUGE melt-down at Palmers.
• In the end, everything stays the same-except I feel perpetually angry. However, my life is pretty much in shambles due to work situation, so it could be that too
• Joe and Heidi decide they are “exclusive”
• Joe and Heidi only ever talk about Joe and Heidi.
• Angry
• Joe come for our trip to Ocean Shores. I hate JoeandHeidi, but have learned to hide it well
• Joe and Heidi break-up
• Heidi is mad because I can’t “be there” for her during her break-up. Even though, after being there for her last break-up, I have specifically told her I can’t be that person.
• Heidi and I have it in the worst way possible-via email. We both say horrible things

After spending months thinking about it, I realize that I said the things I said to Heidi because I am pissed. I am pissed at her and I am pissed at Joe. I’m pissed because, yes, I knew and condoned them “hooking up”, but never, ever did I say I wanted them to have a relationship. And they never asked. Joe should have known better. He has gone down this road before, hooking-up with my friends. In those cases-it was MY FRIENDS who called me, told me, apologized. Isn’t it just a life rule not to hook up with your friend’s siblings? Neither Joe, nor Heidi respected their relationship with ME enough to even ASK. Or to recognize what I felt at Thanksgiving. All they felt was “oh, woe is me, mean Jeni is trying to keep us apart”. At least that is what I saw/heard.

And I took out most of my anger on Heidi. To be honest, I always take out my anger on people I care about and trust the most. Like my mom. Or Michael. One of my many, many flaws. It just infuriates me-they both are still buddy, buddy and I have nothing. I haven’t even seen my other friends because of what Heid said they think about me. I don’t have anyone here (except Michael) that I trust. And I am sick of being lonely.

I’m sick of this whole fucking thing, and yet, it won’t go away.

When I first moved to Seattle, before I got caught up in any of my Michael drama, I dated this guy, Shaun. Whom, I believe, I mentioned a time or two on this here blog (I would like to link to a post, but that seems like a lot of work). Shaun and I talked on the phone mostly, but then dated for about a month. He broke up with me. BY IGNORING MY CALLS. I was pretty sad. He was the first guy I dated after Rami and let’s just say it did nothing to restore my self-esteem. Enter Michael (sorry, babe. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em. love you).

In any case,  he broke up with me and that was that. We got back in contact a few times here or there, but, for the most part, it was done. That was, until he was about to move to CA. Then, all of a sudden, he was all about me. Now, he knows about Michael and that we live together, but apparently, it’s not a big deal (?). He loves to IM me during the day. I am usually nice, until he starts talking about “us”, which, then, I just stop responding.

What the fuck, man? I liked him. A LOT. It sucked when he stopped talking to me. Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like. . .dating an unmarried man my age. But, whatever-that’s not my life and that’s not what happened. Why is it that we always want people when they don’t want us? Why is that so great? Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I wanted Michael for 2 years when I couldn’t have him. I know how fucked-up that is. I just wish I could figure out WHY humans are so stupid.

Of course, if I did that, I’d be rich.