Paying off all of our bills (including our mortgage!) would be awesome enough. However, having millions and millions to do other things with? I could hardly contain my excitement. Unlike Kalleigh, I wouldn’t really care if my friends and family knew. They’d have to know cause I’d quit my job so fast their head would spin.

I have always been of the mind that if I ever won that much money, I’d have to give some to my close family. I’d just have to. They mean too much to me that I couldn’t possibly enjoy it knowing they were still toiling away at jobs they hated whilst I was out traveling the world. Then, it always starts spinning in my head . . . where do I draw the line? I’d want to give money to my mom and dad and my siblings. Then I think. . .”but will Grandma and Grandpa be mad? Don’t they deserve a little cash? What about Aunti Chic? We used to be really close, but not so much anymore. I know she could really use the money, though. Am I being selfish?”. Suddenly, the idea of NOT telling people seems like a good one. Still, my dream life includes a world where I could spend endless time with my sister and nephews, so they would need to be taken care of.

I figure it would a year before we would start to live a normal life. Once we got the money, we’d have to set-up trusts, pay off bills, pay taxes, do the gifting, start investment accounts, adopt some charities . . . that alone would take forever! Then, I would want to travel. I could finally go to London, France, Ireland, Spain . . . it would take awhile to hit my main lists. Eventually, there will be quite a few places I’d like to go, but I would save that for quarterly travel.

My sister and I would have to decide where we want to live (I guess Michael might gets a say, as well). Somewhere with stellar programs for Matthew. We can buy a little space for Dawn so she can set-up her pastry shop. I would spend my time over-seeing the boys education and writing. Not sure what I’ll be writing, but I’ll be writing.

Ed’s school will be paid for (finally, that’s been stressful lately) and he can enjoy the experience, maybe spend a semester abroad.

My mother could stop worrying about money, pay off her mortgage and take a few trips to far off places. Maybe it will help make her sane.

I imagine my dad and Audrey heading off to Tanzania for a year. I’m sure they’d give some of their money to Aud-mo’s mom, who will be like a charity in herself-that woman can make good happen like no one I’ve ever seen.

Joe. Do you think 20 million could buy me back his love? (What? I know this is supposed to be a fun, happy post, but I can’t just NOT mention him. He’s part of it whether he fucking likes it or not) Joe would want to buy a house. He’d take his pals and travel around. I am quite certain he’d be arrested. Once he settled down, he could find himself. Maybe he’d find me.

Hmmmm, winning the lottery, oh how fun it would be. Sure, things may not pan out how I imagine, but just imagining can be fun.

I guess I better go buy a ticket!

So, last night, I had a dream. A FUCKED UP dream. Naturally, I like to bring you all down the brain fuck spiral with me, so let me share:

I was hanging out at a friend’s house where I met John Rich (and let it be noted that I abhor John Rich. I have not seen him on TV or the internet and have no idea how the fuck he got into my head). John and I took a fancy to each other and began to make-out. We took our show to the bedroom, where many people were watching and taking pictures. As we moved on to the heavy petting portion of our make-out session, I put my hand down his pants to give him a little hand action. Instead of the . . .male equipment I was expecting, I found female equipment. Not one easily deterred, I went ahead and applied my college years skills on what he did have. It was now time for him to fuck me, so he pulled his dildo out of. . . somewhere and proceed to bring it on home. Mind you, we still had an audience, although no more pictures were being taken. Then I woke up.

Now that I have passed my trauma on to you, I feel much better.

Sweet Dreams!

This morning I texted Heidi to see if she had plans or maybe wanted to come over. She said she would and I should make queso (mmmmm, queso). Suddenly this image popped into my head. An image of what I have always wanted my life to be and so isn’t:

Tuesday night Joe comes over and we play Wii and drink Coronas until 11 PM (being tired for work isn’t so bad)
Thursdays are family dinner night. Dawn and I cook and the house is filled with Joe, Heidi, Michael, Doug, the boys, Ed and his latest.
Saturday afternoon I hang out with Dawn and the boys-just running errands and maybe heading to a park-Dawn and I drinking coffee and laughing while the boys play.
Super Bowl Sunday-everyone at my house. Food, drinking and yelling at the TV
Michael working late on Thursday and Dawn, Joe and I meet for a quick beer before heading home
Going out with Ed on Saturday nights
Sundays in the summer when we all go to the Zoo for the day-eating a picnic for lunch

It’s a life that doesn’t exist. It seems it won’t ever exist. I can’t imagine Michael and I moving to New Mexico-we just can’t. There aren’t jobs for us there (at least jobs that will pay us what we make now). What am I supposed to do? Leave Michael? What’s the point of having all that if I can’t have it with the man I love? It seemed close with Joe-I really believed he would come here. But he won’t. It seems like he plans to stay in Salt Lake and then move to Boise. I will see him as much as I see the New Mexico crew-which, as the years pass is less and less. I haven’t seen the Osborns since April of 2008. And I won’t see them until May. Every time it seems like it might happen-like I might be one step closer to having one of them close-the possibility just moves further away.

And it just makes me sad. Every time Super Bowl pops into my head, tears spring to my eyes. The life I want and reality are polar opposites. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way. How do you reckon the two? Am I supposed to accept it’s never meant to be? Because that makes me feel depressed. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I begin to dislike my current life.

Look, I LOVE my friends. Love them. But they have their own lives. Their own families. Their own responsibilities and their own agendas. I can’t and don’t expect them to spend all their free time with me. Hell, why would they want to? I’m the kind that it takes a certain person to deal with. Michael is the only person who isn’t family that can stand to be around me for extended periods of time. I get it. I am bossy, demanding, sarcastic, moody and ALWAYS right. Is it so much to ask that I have those around me who like those personality traits 24/7?

I guess it’s all just a dream. I am sure everyone dreams of a life they can’t have.

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Dawn needs a house dropped on her. RUDE

If my enchiladas suck today-that will be it. I will have a mental breakdown. Seriously. I am that close to losing it. This week has been TOO much.

My poor, poor grays. I have hardly been home this week. When I was at home, I was up cooking or cleaning. They had NO mother love. Then, last night, Landon Lou was SOOOOOOOOOOO bad. I thought his little paw had a knife in it that he was using to kill the Gray with. She was just screaming and running. So Lou had to be punished. 3 times. THEN I dreamt about his badness. All night I was dreaming about bad nubs. This morning he had all kinds of the “forgive me mommy” love in him. But when I tried to leave at my usual time-he was sooooooo loud and blocking the door. Poor guys. I am going to go home early and get my gray cat lovin’ in.

He is bad with his Lou. But I am a bad Mother too.

me just want to sleepy