I am just stubborn. Just like you. Just like our dad. Just like our grandpa. etc. We come from a long line of stubborn people.

I just don’t want to accept a life without you. You are a part of my soul. How can I accept it?

And you. Isn’t it enough? Isn’t you not speaking to me for over a year enough? Isn’t enough that you have forever changed our family and our relationships with our family members? Isn’t enough that you ruined me? Isn’t enough?

Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to come back to the battlefield just to spit on the people you killed? Do you really hate me that much? How can you hate me so much?How can you hate me so much you have to kick my already lifeless body?

I wish I could hate you. I wish I could let you go. I wish a million wishes that will never come true.

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All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She’s got teary eyes
I’ve got reasons why

I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m headed for the final precipice

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I’m so confused
What’s true of false
What’s fact or fiction after all
I feel like I’m an apparition’s pet

But you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break your heart
It isn’t love
If it doesn’t break your heart
It’s not enough
It’s when you’re breaking down
With your insides coming out
That’s when you find out what your heart is made of

And you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet
Cause you haven’t lost me yet

-Yet, by Switchfoot

Not to say I haven’t had any fun. Last Saturday, I got to spend the evening with some of the most intelligent, funny and beautiful women I know. Terrell hosted us at a little girl blogger get together. I got to meet the famous Kerri, Seattle’s latest awesome chic, Supple AND my name twin, Jen! Of course, Sizzle was there and she did not fail in making me die of laughter. I can sum it up in one word: merkin. Beat that.

Yesterday, it was fabulously sunny out, so Michael and I grabbed a blanket and some sunscreen and headed to the park. We spent 5 hours soaking up some vitamin D. It was lazy, luxurious and delightful.

Today, we are heading over to Ed’s to set-up his new desk. I know, we ARE the most exciting people ever.

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Work has been interesting, to say the least.

Many days, the people and the noise overwhelms me.

I am having a hard time adjusting to corporate way of doing things (aka an excessive number of meetings).

I am enjoying making new friends, but it’s coupled with having to work with people I can’t stand.

I am already getting gifts from clients and it feels great to be appreciated.

I have never had to really deal with office politics before and it’s exhausting.

I love working with one of my best friends, but I worry this is going to affect our relationship.

I like the work I get to do, but feel like I spend too much time doing it. I need a break sometimes.

So . . . a lot of conflicted feelings. Still, I am much better off than I was 5 months ago, so that counts for something.

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In just 16 days it will be 1 whole year since my brother has spoken to me. I could not even write that sentence without tears spilling down my cheeks. There are so many things I want to say, but I think that may be a whole other blog post. 1 whole year. I thought it was supposed to get easier?

You may be asking yourself “when did Jeni go back to school?”. Jeni didn’t. Jeni’s brother/son is in college, therefore, his work is her work. To be honest, we did have fun, even though I have never worked that hard on my OWN school stuff. Of course, the fact that we are siblings worked against us. #1) We both overdue any sort of project we work on and #2) we’re both perfectionist. This may have had something to do with the fact that the project was NEVER ENDING. However, the fact that some of the kids in Ed’s class said “Thanks for making us look bad” makes it all worth it.

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So, I am loving work. It’s almost like I never left. I love re-connecting with our clients, I love Tom and I love Jason (the third part of our team). I love seeing Tim everyday and having lunch with Heidi. I love the 5 million places to eat within a 2 block radius. I love Starbucks in my building. I love not driving everyday.

There are a few things I do not love, but they seem to be temporary. I can wait it out.

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I haven’t worked for a corporation for over 6 years. There are a lot of rules. There are also a lot of blocked websites. Now, I haven’t had a ton of down time, but, today, for example, when I ate lunch at my desk, there wasn’t much to look at. Why’s it gotta be so hard to catch-up on my facebook and blogs? I’m entitled to a break, damn it. I guess I’m taking up smoking.

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I fell down some stairs on Saturday. I totally hurt my leg. It’s not swollen or bruised and I can walk. However, there is a throbbing pain. I didn’t go the ER because I wasn’t sure my benefits had kicked in yet (and it was before the congress vote and it didn’t $2,000 hurt. I will hobble for a few more days before I consider going in, although, I have no clue what could be wrong. It sucks being klutz.

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This weekend, my friend Lindsay is visiting from NM. Woot!

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Next month I am going to Charlotte Gainsbourg and I am ECSTATIC. In addition, May brings Chris Pureka and James Taylor/Carole King. Scissor Sisters have a new album coming out, so I am looking forward to another great year for concerts. Yay!

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Ok. I guess that’s it. I miss you guys! I may not be commenting, but I am reading. Damn job.

I immediately picked up the phone to call. Mammer answered.

Mam: Hi Auntie Jeni!

Me: Hi Mammer! What are you doing?

Mam: Oh, just talking to you.

Me: Oh! Well, Mam, mommy told me you have a girlfriend. What’s up with that?

Mam: Don’t worry Auntie Jeni. I still love you the most. I’m your lucky charm

If, you guessed, I then died of happiness, you’d be correct.

The conversation drifted into other areas, but I was still concerned about this girlfriend business.

Me: So, Mam, how come you decided to have a girlfriend

Mam: Well, she’s always mean to me, so I decided to be her boyfriend so I could spy on her.

Me: That’s my boy.

I am often surprised that kid didn’t actually come from my body.

I had a wonderful time in New Mexico. I met my mom’s boyfriend and I totally love him. She just shines around him and I’ve never seen her so happy. I love it.

I took my nephews to the most horrible circus of all time. Seriously. You could tell the animals were mistreated, one of the performers had no panties on, there were pole dancers and about 4 near-death experiences. We left at intermission. I was cool Auntie Jeni because, not only did I know ALL about the DSi, but thanks to my girl Sizzle, I had my very OWN DSi. I have never been more awesome.

One of my best moments is when Mammer said “Auntie Jeni, you and me, we’re just, like the same people, right?” and the worst was when I had to say goodbye and watch the tears rolling down Matthew’s face.

I saw Joe. He didn’t see me. As fate would have it, our gate were right next to each other. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at his face, but I knew I would never recover if I walked up to him, he looked me in the eyes and walked away. I would never get over it, so I didn’t take the chance. I felt it was the right thing to do.

Since I’ve been back, Michael’s been gone . . . he got a job! And it’s totally the perfect job for him. I can’t really write too much about it at this time, unless I did a password, but if you are DYING to know what it is, you can always email me. So, he’s in DC (birth place of Jeni) and will be back tomorrow.

I’ve been plugging along as best I can. I will, hopefully, have some exciting news to share next week.

Oh! And we re-did our room. We didn’t spend too much time on it when we first remodeled, mostly because we just didn’t have the time. The new carpet we installed when we first moved in was completely destroyed during the remodel and the room was only half-painted because we tore out a wall for the pocket door. In any case, we weren’t loving it. I saw an idea in this month’s In Style and it totally spiraled. I will do a whole post on it once the new carpet is installed. I think you’ll love it. It’s so serene now.

And there ya go. Boring and mundane, but it’s a jumping off point.

I am looking forward to it. I will admit, though, to feeling queasy at the thought of Joe and I in the same city, breathing the same air. So close and yet, so far. He won’t be there the whole time I’m there-he’s heading to Salt Lake for the weekend. There will be moments, though. Moments we’ll be so close together after all this time. Moments wasted. I know at this point I need to wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait for him to decide.

I’ve never been good at waiting for something I want.

I’m excited, though. I get to meet my mom’s boyfriend for the first time. I will see some dear, old friends. I will eat like it’s my last meal(s). And I will get to soak up my sister and nephews. No plans beyond laughing. There will be a lot of laughing.

It’s just what I need.

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When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself-Switchfoot

It’s been a busy week. Challenging, as well. Last night, I really had to push myself to go to the Post Secret event. I knew I’d be waiting outside for hours, in the cold, alone. Ed decided to go to work, since he couldn’t get me in and my pals decided not to go, since there wasn’t a strong chance of us getting in-which I completely understood. However, it turned out to leave me feeling very lonely and vulnerable. It wasn’t that situation alone-this week, I’ve been doing things that I would have LOVED to do with Joe. Things I would give anything to share with Joe. We used to call each other on Sunday morning and go through the secrets together. One of the many things I’ve lost.

Don’t get me wrong, though-the event was good, if only because Frank Warren is such an amazing soul. Honestly, it felt like the students were there just to be there. Though respectful, they just didn’t seem to be getting much out of it-texting and whispering and giggling to each other. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I am just being too judgemental. Maybe E) all of the above. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I got to listen to Frank and see how he has taken his life and transformed so many others. I am grateful for his view on the world. It’s a very powerful one.

On Tuesday, Ed and I went to the Switchfoot concert. Joe and I discovered Switchfoot in 2000, I think. We loved, loved, loved them. It surprises people (it sometimes surprises me) because of how God-centric their music is. I always felt like they left their message open, for me to decide what I wanted to hear. I appreciate that.

I saw Switchfoot when I first moved to Seattle. Literally, like, a month after I got here. It was incredible. They were my favorite band at the time and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was right around that time, however, that they went one way with their music and I went the other in the kind of music I liked. They have come quite a few times in the last 6 years, but I always have chosen not to go, because I knew it would focus mostly on new stuff. I am not sure why I decided to go this time. It seemed pretty important to me, though.

I picked up Ed early and we were going to go get coffee at Stumptown. However, after not finding parking at either location (and I wasn’t willing to pay for parking twice), we decided to just head down to the Market, park and walk around. We noticed a Starbucks about a half a block north of the Showbox, but wanted to see if there was anything else before settling. Eventually, we decided there wasn’t much doin’ at the market on a Tuesday night (especially if one of you isn’t legal) and headed back to the Starbucks. We had just sat down with our coffees, when I saw the door open.

“Ohmygodedohmygod”

“What?”

“Jon Foreman just walked in” [aka, lead singer of Switchfoot]

“Oh. My. God”

While Jon Foreman ordered coffee, Ed and I debated what we should do-talk? Ask for an autograph? A picture? I always imagine this situation would be weird (and look! I was right!), because I am not all about accosting famous people and bothering them when all they want is a fucking cup of coffee before a show. However, I decided I just admired him too damn much to not say hi.

So, I did. I walked up, introduced myself, shook his hand, told him I loved him (I maybe quoted him from a rare DVD-not only because I love the quote, but also because it proved what a huge fan I really am) and then I asked if he would sign my ticket for the show. And he did. And he was so nice and gracious and exactly the person I thought he was. Which is always nice.

On a side/hilarious note-the barista, after she saw my interaction with Mr. Foreman, had the gall to ask him who he was and then say “Oh! I love your band! I wanted to go tonight, but I had to work!”. Really? You love the band, yet have no idea what the lead singer looks like? Really?

They put on a great show-again, I hardly knew the songs, since it was all new stuff, but it made me listen to some of the new stuff and I really enjoyed it. So, there’s that.

Of course, even though I yelled it from the rooftops on Twitter and Facebook, there was really only one person I wanted to tell. I am still trying to get used to not being able to.

It all goes to show you, if you leave the house every once in awhile, you will meet famous people. At least that’s the lesson I am clinging to.

My thoughts drift to my family. Ed. The only one who will wake up in my mom’s house this morning. He will have to be there for all of us, opening stocking presents, delight in our traditional candies, smile happily at all the presents and watch as our mom pretends to like our gift. She never likes our gift, that is a tradition too.

My sister is at home with her family. My nephews up early, like me, excited because Santa came again with more presents than they ever thought possible. They will laugh and scream with delight, tearing off paper, discovering the exact thing they’ve always wanted. My sister will sip her coffee, take pictures and soak up the happiness on her boy’s face. Some of that happiness will transfer to her, but there is still a small hole of loneliness.  A hole that misses Jim, her siblings and her father. She will smile and laugh with the kids, but she will also cry a little inside, for those who can’t be there to watch her amazing children with her.

Joe went to Utah. I can’t pretend to know him anymore. To know why he does what he does. But the part of me that thinks I still know him-the parts of him that no one else ever could-that part, thinks he went to Utah to escape. To escape the Christmas that never should have been. Our family, broken, unable to celebrate the holiday the way we all wished we were. Part of me thinks he went because he knows he did this, he knows I didn’t come home for Christmas as planned because of him. He knows that Ed, my sister and I are alone today because he has torn our family to pieces.

I am here in Seattle. Michael sleeps in the next room. It’s too dark to see what cats are around me, but they are here. Soon my dad will come over and we’ll open gifts, play games, eat food and laugh. It will be nice, but it won’t be the Christmas I have been imagining all year. I guess I should prepare myself that Christmas will never be the same again. If the last six months are any indication, I will never have a traditional Christmas again. I guess it’s time to find new traditions.

Dawn, Joe, Ed and I make each other better people. We are all strong individuals, but we are unstoppable when we are all together.

This Christmas isn’t the end of the world. It’s one Christmas in the dozens we’ll have in a lifetime. Today, it’s hard. Soon, it will be forgotten.

There is always next year.

Today, I anxiously await picking up my dad and step-mom from the airport.

Tomorrow, I will miss my sister, nephews, grandparents, brothers, mom, Tim, Heidi and all those I love I won’t get to see. I will enjoy a relaxing time at my house with my boyfriend and parents. I will think fondly of all the friends I have made this year.

I live a very blessed life. I have so, so much. For all my complaining, I have so much more than most people have and I am so very grateful for it all.