Last week, I shut out the entire world and just curled into a ball and tried not to die. This week I was forced to go back to work and interact with other human beings. That hasn’t been easy.

Then, a huge decision presented itself to me, just when I thought I couldn’t handle one. more. thing.

Of course, we always think we can’t handle things, but we handle them just the same. We eat our elephants one bite at a time.

Yesterday I realized how much I have to be grateful for. On Tuesday, I had great conversations with my sister and my dad. I had a good, clarifying call with Michael. On Wednesday, I went to Therapy (even though I really, really didn’t want to), followed by a wonderful conversation with my best friend of 16+ years, Cara. I am so lucky to have so many people to talk to; people who know me and can help make decisions (especially when making a decision is the last thing I want to do).

After therapy and talking to Cara, I decided what to do about my housing situation. In fact, what they said (coupled with conversations with my dad and sister) just made so much sense I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I am going to move back into my old condo.

This isn’t a decision I have taken lightly in any way and I am the type of person that once I decide something, that’s just it. Many people have said to me that I should consider moving and just having a fresh start. And I took that advice to heart. It was something worth considering. Ultimately, what it comes down to is my need to stand still.

With all that has happened in the last year, moving into my condo will be comforting. It will be like going home because it IS going home. Where I live now has never even felt close to home. Moving back into my condo, with things just so will feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I know I won’t live there forever, but I can live there for a time and, I think, heal a little bit. What’s more, it’s a place I have lived with The Gray. I wasn’t looking forward to moving to my first home without her. Now I won’t have to just yet. This is almost the opposite of the change that I dread so much. It’s not change at all.

I have no illusions that it won’t be hard at first. It will be. But I believe I can move on from that.

I am ready to stand still.

Remember how I said basically said that Michael and Heidi were the only people that could ever make me feel happy on my birthday? Yeah, well, Michael and Heidi are the only people who didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Maybe it was foolishness on my part, but I honestly did expect a text from Michael. It was only 2 days before my birthday that we texted about a hilarious Harry Potter shirt I saw. We’ve been on friendly-ish terms. Surely he would send me a simple text message that read “Happy Birthday”? But he didn’t. And it hurt.

Michael, at least, has an excuse-we broke up. He doesn’t owe me anything, no matter how much it means to me. Heidi, on the other hand, well . . . that hurts worse. She is supposed to be my best friend. We have talked endlessly as to how hard this birthday was going to be for me-without Michael, without her, turning 30. She knew better than anyone how I was feeling, but I got nothing from her. I don’t know why. It wasn’t until the next day, after JOE had to text her asking her why she did that to me, that she called and left me a voicemail. Basically she said that she had tried to call twice, it went straight to voicemail and she thought I would see the missed calls. Really? Who wouldn’t leave a voicemail? And she knew damn well I was flying that day, so of course it went straight to voicemail. And when my phone is off, I most certainly do NOT see missed calls. I have been struggling for days to get past my hurt and anger, but I have not been successful. If anything, it reinforces my idea that when I let people in, all they do is hurt me.

I did, however, do a pretty good job of not allowing the events of my birthday affect the rest of my weekend.

Being in New Mexico was a roller coaster of emotions. I came to a shocking realization: New Mexico is no longer “home”. Sure, the majority of my family lives there and it’s where I grew up, but it isn’t “home” anymore, Seattle is. It was a thrilling and scary thought.

I saw a lot of people-more people than I usually ever see when I slink into town. I had an awesome 11 year High School reunion with the handful of people I went to High School with that I actually care about. It was such a delight to see my OG (original Gay) Frankie. You know you have a great friendship with someone when 11 years pass, but it feels like only a few minutes. We are both older and wiser and infinitely more awesome. We had a great night of bar hopping and drag show watching. AND we saw Amanda Lepore!!! I know, so fucking cool. It was an awesome night:

After staying out until 1 AM and being cockblocked by Jesus Justin Beiber (seriously, I was thisclose to kissing a boy!), I was on the road by 7:30 am heading to Santa Fe for Grandpa Breakfast. Besides the fact that breakfast was delicious and my grandparents were hilarious, sitting at their table a huge bubble of calm enveloped me. There is so much change in my life. Constant change and, as I have mentioned many, many times, changes is ridiculously hard for me. Yet, sitting there, at my grandparents house, everything was the same. Maybe little things had changed here and there, but everything was the same as it has been my whole life and that felt amazing. I can’t even describe how awesome I felt sitting there.

The rest of the weekend was filled with my newphews and my sister and the rest of my family. Hanging out, laughing, playing cards and feeling love. I felt a lot of love. Those nephews of mine, man, they just melt my heart.

And now I am home. Home, home. I have my cats and my music. It isn’t much, but it’s working right now and that’s all I can really ask for.

Those are ABQ's famous hot air balloons

To be completely honest, though, I feel no trepidation about this. Also, to be completely honest, I feel a little robbed by that.

I think it would feel pretty “normal” if I was freaking out over turning 30. I know that normal is one of the most ridiculous words, yet, so many of us have the same idea of what normal means (but I kind of love that no one I know fits into that). I guess maybe if I were scared of turning 30 it would mean I wouldn’t be feeling all the other things I am feeling.

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of birthdays. Never have been. I am uncomfortable with any sort of “celebration” of me. Every once in a blue moon, I feel the need to celebrate and that’s always fun, but generally, I would prefer it to be a day like any other. That’s why, this year, I am grateful that I will be at home alone and then, traveling most of the day.

I am glad to be going home. Not excited, not reluctant, but just glad. I’m glad I won’t be here.

The thing is . . . the things is, that no matter how I celebrated my birthday with other people, the way I celebrated my birthday with Michael was very special. And then, the way I celebrated my birthday with Heidi was special. It’s a hard pill to swallow that I will not see either of them tomorrow. To be perfectly honest, they are the only 2 people I would give anything to see tomorrow. Since that is something I can’t have, being alone will be best for me.

I will have a nice time in New Mexico, though. On Friday, I will meet up with my friend Cara (we’ve been friends for 15 years!) and a few other people I haven’t seen since high school. Saturday is a double whammy of Grandpa breakfast and a good ole’ fashioned Gonzales Family throwdown. Sunday will just be a day to relax with my sister and nephews. Monday I will spend some of the day with my sister in Santa Fe and some of it heading back to Albuquerque, maybe meeting up with another old friend. And that’s it. It’s home again on Tuesday.

Today is the last day of my 20′s. I don’t know how other people celebrate the last day of their 20′s. I imagine they do something much cooler than going to work, packing, then going to bed early. That works for me, though.

That’s all that matters.

On August 10th, 2001, I got in a car with my dad and drove for 2 days straight to Connecticut. I left New Mexico, where I grew up, I left all my family and friends and I have never looked back.

On August 10th, 2003, I got in a car alone and drove for a day and a half to Olympia, WA. I actually left from New Mexico, where I had spent 2 weeks helping my sister plan her wedding and just, generally, spending time with those family and friends I had left behind 2 years before.

Finally, I just realized that on August 10th, 2011, 10 years after I left home for the first time, I will be attending my first therapy session. Cause me? I’m kind of broken.

I never planned the August 10th thing. As I said, I just realized last night that it worked out that day. It’s kind of crazy, though, right?

10 years. I left home 10 years ago. That number feels huge to me. Especially because I sometimes feel like those 10 years have just flown by.

Yet, a lot of things have happened in those 10 years. I have lived in 2 different states, 6 different houses/apartments, 2 new grays, 2 long-term relationships, 1 “divorce”, lost friends, found friends, new friends, some very hard times and some really great ones.

I can’t help think that I spent the majority of those years with Michael.

But I do want to say that I am proud of myself. Most people I went to High School with never even left New Mexico. And, if that’s a choice they made, then I can’t judge them or feel superior. Hell, some of them have traveled more and had more adventures than I have ever dreamed of. I just find it kind of crazy! There is so much here in this world to see and do. I personally think every person should move away from the place they grew up for at least 2 years. I think it can be so freeing. I felt freed when I left. And since I have been here in Seattle, I have still felt free. I had no idea. I just got it in my head that Seattle was where I wanted to be. I moved here with a car full of clothes. I had no job and no place to live. My uncle let me stay in the camper in his back yard. I just came here and built a life from scratch. I think it’s ok to be proud of that.

It’s awesome that I have found my place. Seattle is really, truly my place. No matter what drama happens in my life, I feel great about being in Seattle. I love all this city has given me. I love everything I have never done (but will definitely get to in the next 10 years). I love the people here. I love the music here. And yes, I LOVE the weather here.

Now I have to start thinking about the next 10 years. Especially now that I turn 30 (!) next month. I need to stop doing things that hurt me and people I love. I need to find a job I love. I need to spend more time with the Seattle music scene (no, I do. I promise that going to a show almost every night is not enough time). I need to volunteer for a cause I believe in. I need to be better. I want to be better.

I think it’s fitting that I will spend my 30th birthday traveling back to New Mexico for a long weekend. No matter how happy I am in Seattle, a part of me will always be in New Mexico. That place and those that I love there helped build the foundation that is me.

And you can’t build anything without a foundation.

Joe was so good to me this last week. He spent hours getting caught up on the series so he wouldn’t be completely lost. And he did it just so I wouldn’t be sad. Those brothers…they are definitely good for something.

On Sunday . . . Well, on Sunday, Michael texted me. He wanted to know if I had seen the movie and if not, maybe it could be seen by two people who really cared about it and were excited to see it.

Immediately I wanted to say “Yes! Yes! YES! I want to see it with you. I want to know you are hold your breath when I am. I want to see you brace yourself the way I do when I know something sad is coming. I want to see you cheer at the end, as if this was your personal battle. The way that I did. The way that we would…”

But my brain overrode my heart. My brain said “This is how it starts. Just one little movie, what is the harm? This is what he did for 2 years to bring you back when you wanted out, all the while telling you he didn’t love you. And you think, maybe, maybe if you go, he’ll remember how much fun you always had. Maybe he’ll see your hair and remember how he loved to run his fingers through it. Maybe he’ll realize this was all a huge mistake and he’ll never find anyone that knows him like you do. That loves him like you do. But if you think that Jeni, you are wrong. He said it himself, he doesn’t love you. At some point, you have to believe him.”

So, in probably the most grown-up decision I have ever made in my whole life, I told him no.

I told him no and then I cried myself to sleep.

Kris Orlowski always knows what to say . . .

The worst part of it is, it’s my family that’s hurting me the most. I always thought I was a good sister. I thought that I showed up for them when they needed me to. I have fought their fights like they were my own. I have cried their tears like they were my heart breaks.

Of course, that’s not to say I haven’t made mistakes. Of course I have. I have made a ton of mistakes. And I have tried so hard to learn from them. I have tired to step back from their lives and let them make their own choices, I have tried to be less controlling and take things less personally. I haven’t always been successful, but I have tried.

Up until the break-up, things had been relatively good for me. The main problem I have had in the last 4 years was Joe not talking to me and both Ed and Dawn put in their time listening to me die over and over again over  it. Other than that, though, my problems have been small ones. Nothing too big. Until the break-up.

And the break-up through me into disarray. I don’t know myself. I don’t know my life. I feel like I have lost 7 years because of my stubborn stupidity and I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t want to get over him. The funny thing is, these last 2 weeks, it’s HIM who has been there for me. He has listened to me. Not that we are getting back together or anything, but he was (maybe is) my best friend and I still find comfort in him.

I feel like none of my siblings have really been there for me. Sure, Joe has physically been here. It’s not the same thing. Every time I turn around one of them is causing me more problems and more heartache. And the worst part is, they don’t seem to care. It’s like I am just supposed to let them hurt me over and over and then instantly forgive them when they say sorry. I don’t know, maybe I am.

Is it so much to ask that they hold me up? That they realize that now it’s ME who needs THEM? That I can barely handle my own life and they are just hurting me more and more. Because right now? Right now it seems like it IS too much to ask. Maybe it always was too much to ask.

From the awesome, Stuff No One Told Me (but I learned anyway)

Every day I think to myself: I just need to stop caring so much about them and their life. That their problems aren’t my problems. But I don’t know how. I just don’t know how.

_____________________________________________________________________

This is my theme song right now.

If you don’t know Kris Orlowski, you should. His music is on constant loop right now, giving me something to cling to.

I then started thinking about my other siblings and if they had something similar-something that defined them. I immediately thought what it was for each of them. Again, not flattering. I had the thought that this is what year’s of therapy is for. Figuring out that one thing that defines you that’s fundamentally wrong somehow and fixing it. At the very least, being aware of it and how you let it affect your life.

So, of course, I had to figure out what my thing was. At first, I thought it was one thing, but soon I realized that was a symptom of a bigger issue.

I need to be needed.

This is my whole life. This is every relationship I have-I need these people to need me. I need my dad to call me and give me little projects. I need Ed have me proof-read his papers and run his decisions past me. I need my boss to tell me that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. I need Heidi to come to me for advice. I needed Michael to be un-organized and clueless without me.

I have a hard time connecting with people who DON’T need me. That’s sick.

Of course this is the case. If people need me, they are less likely to abandon me, which is what I think everyone is going to do. It doesn’t help that this IS what so many people have actually done-especially men. Apparently, they needed me-but not enough. In fact, the only 2 that ever came back after leaving me for dead were blood related, so really, I have to wonder if they would have ever bothered to come back if it weren’t for that.

So really, I have to wonder why am I so easy to walk away from. Really, what is all this making people need me crap getting me? They all still walk away.

And yet . . .yet I know myself. I know that I am going to still need people to need me. It’s as much apart of me as my big feet and biting sarcasm.

I guess I’ll just have to rely on something else to make people stick around. Who knows what that is. . . .

Today, we are moving in together. Life’s funny like that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (That’s a fake laugh)

Not that I’m not happy he’s here. Jeeze. Thank Gay Baby! I don’t think I would have been able to keep it together as well as I have (which is to say, not at all) if it weren’t for him. He makes me feel strong and capable. I honestly think that if he weren’t here, I would have gone home to NM, curled up in a ball and died. And if I survived, I would have regretted that. That’s not the right choice for me. He helps me see that.

This past week, while he was gone in MN, I was supposed to be moving, packing . . . disassembling my life. 7 years of a life lived as if there would be 50 more. But I haven’t been. I’ve been working late hours, playing around on my iPad and trying to sleep the lonely hours away. I just don’t want to face the task. It’s much too much.

But Joe’s back. And we are going to pack boxes and create a new home. It won’t be the same. If I know anything true about myself, it’s that I hate change. But it will be a home. A home where two lost souls (and a few Gray cats) started over from scratch.

One foot in front of the other. I guess it’s time for me to grab a fork and start eating my elephant.

So. Besides all that, my sister and I had an AWESOME visit. Seriously, we had a great time. We spent a day lazing about and watching Charmed. We had a sibling dinner. We had serious talks and ridiculous antics. We saw a 1/4 of a concert and got lost driving to Ballard. We had our Astrological charts read (seriously, folks, Rene is AWESOME) and we visited Dale at Skin and Soul to get 3 new tattoos each:

Angelic Symbol for Truth (located on the back of my left arm, directly above the elbow)

Angelic Symbol for Honesty (located on the back of my right arm, directly above the elbow)

Dawn got an Elephant (located on her right shoulder)

This is her reminder to always address the elephant in the room and to always eat your elephant one bite at a time. I LOVE the way her elephant turned out. LOVE

Dawn also got this Sun and Moon with the initials of the boys, along with a teeny tiny puzzle piece (which is for Autism Awareness). (located on her upper, left hand shoulder blade).

We both also got a small evil eye on our left wrist (for some reason, I have no pics). A great reminder not to judge others (aka giving them the evil eye).

Honestly, it was wonderful to be out of work for 6 days in a row, surrounded by the people I love most.

Alas, now it is back to work and my busy schedule. On top, of which, I need to really buckle down and focus on my Life and Health test. I need to just get it over with because then I will be done with tests for a long, long time.

There have been some crazy things happening in my life lately. However, the story doesn’t belong to me, so it’s not my place to share the details. What I can say is this: my long lost brother is now closer to me than he has been in 7 1/2 years-both figuratively and literally.

Also? Come Sunday, all of my siblings and I will be in 1 place. It’s like a dream come true.

Dawn gets here Sunday afternoon. We have a big Monday planned too-pajamas and Charmed all day long. I know. We are pretty damn exciting.

I just have to make it through. Just 2 more, potentially, 12 hour days.

I can handle that, right?