Ed: I will get you the 411

Me: I will take that information and drop it like its hot

Ed: Ok. Then I will holla back at you

Me: Oh. Well. See, that won’t really work because I ain’t no holla back girl

Ed: I had heard otherwise. I apologize

Of course, I’d be remiss is I didn’t warn you there is some controversy at the end. Hopefully you’ll be understanding of the decisions I made and the integrity of the post will stay strong.

Without further ado, the movies that came out in 2010 that I saw:

Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland: I kind of hated this at first. Which, I think had to do with seeing it in 3D. I don’t like 3D. Whatever movie studios are trying to do with 3D, they should just stop. In any case, when I saw this again, I liked it. Liked, not loved. I am just partial to the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp combo.
Catfish: Um. . .LOVED this movie. And not necessarily for the movie itself, but for the deep, meaningful conversation it sparked. As someone that totally loves all social media and has met many people online, it’s such an interesting reminder to be careful who you are talking to.
Cyrus: So . . . this movie totally reviewed well. Everyone seemed to think it was super awesome. I thought it was “meh”
Despicable Me: Confession: I loved this movie more than Toy Story 3. We saw it the same day and I immediately like this movie better. I think it’s partly because I like villains.
Dinner For Schmucks: So. I liked this movie. But I might have liked it because I have a Paul Rudd shaped heart. I do remember laughing heartily, so that’s a win in my book.
The Greatest: My brother Edward and I love Carey Mulligan. I don’t think this movie was horrible, but I wouldn’t buy it either. I really love the kid who looks exactly like a grown-up Bastian from Neverending Story.
Greenberg: This movie was just OK. I felt like Ben Stiller was trying too hard. There is nothing I dislike more than that
Grown Ups: Um, no. Look, I LOVE Adam Sandler. I am one of 4 people who loved Funny People. However, this movie didn’t have Seth Rogen or Judd Apatow to keep it afloat.  
Harry Potter 7: Part 1: Dude. It’s Harry Potter. While I would have much preferred the movie studios to give me the option of paying twice the price and spending 5 hours in the theater, I really can’t complain about the 2 parts. I appreciate the level of detail it gives that is usually lost.
How Do You Know: Heidi dragged me to this movie and even SHE hated it. Apparently my love for Paul Rudd does have limitations and they are this movie.
Inception: LOVED this movie. Christopher Nolan can do no wrong in my book. PLUS, you can never go wrong with Joseph Gorden-Levitt, amiright?
The Kids Are All Right: It’s a well known fact amongst my people that they only time I cry or show emotion is when I am touched by the rainbow. For some reason, gay story lines with happy endings always gives me the weeps. My cold, black heart just melts. This movie was super fantastic.
Sex And The City 2: Honestly, I am embarrassed to even tell you I saw this. In the theater. After the disaster that was the first movie, I should have known better. Michael Patrick King, I will never forgive you.
Shutter Island: This falls under my “meh” category. Didn’t hate it, didn’t love it.
The Town: Also “meh”. I really enjoyed Rebecca Hall, though. I think she’s fabulous.
Toy Story 3: So, don’t think me inhuman, but I didn’t LOVE this movie and I certainly didn’t cry at it. I mean, if we’re being honest, when I thought they were all going to be incinerated, I was totally fine with it. I thought that was a perfectly realistic ending. Does that make me heartless? Maybe. Of course. . . if it turned out Woody and Buzz were gay and getting married, I would have cried buckets.
Valentine’s Day: Not only did Heidi force me to watch this, so did my step-mom. It doesn’t get better.

Movies that came out in 2010 that I wanted to see, but did not get a chance to see:

127 Hours
Black Swan
Blue Valentine
Date Night
Due Date
Easy A
Get Him To The Greek
Howl
I Love You Phillip Morris
Kick Ass
The King’s Speech
Love And Other Drugs
Never Let Me Go
Scott Pilgrim
The Social Network
Wall Street 2
Youth In Revolt

You might be saying to yourself right now “Jeni, why are Black Swan and Blue Valentine crossed out? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!”

Well, if you follow my tweets (and why wouldn’t you? They are delightful little snacks), you would have seen this one this past weekend. Now you might be saying “So you DID see Blue Valentine! I am so. . . .confused”

Here’s the deal: I feel it’s only fair to include movies that came out in 2010 and I actually saw in the year 2010. Both Blue Valentine and Black Swan were seen in 2011. And while both movies weren’t in wide release until 2011, technically they came out in 2010. I am nothing if I am not hung up on the details.

Sure, some movies will slip through the cracks. There will be some films you’ll never know what I thought one way or the other. But hopefully, by reading my year end reviews, you will have gained enough strength and knowledge to make a choice on your own.

I believe in you.

1. I hate this blog. It’s SO boring and depressing
2. In the last few months I have started writing over 15 posts and can’t ever seem to finish them
3. I used to write things that I found funny. Actually, I used to write things that made me (if no one else) literally Laugh! out loud.
4. Why am I such a sad lou now?
5. What now?

I can’t really solve all those things. It is what it is. The last 2 years have been pretty hard on me. The blog reflects that. I don’t want to not have a blog. I have met some of the best people in the world because of it. I am not ready to hang it up quite yet.

But I do want to tell funny stories. I don’t know why I stopped. Some of it has to do with Twitter. When I post something funny on Twitter, I kind of feel like it’s redundant to elaborate any further on the subject. It’s not like I have millions of Twitter followers and millions of blog readers. It’s basically the same people. I am pretty sure they have enough of my repeating the same shit over and over (save for my sister, or Heidi).

However, I really need to just get over it, because, when I look back at my blog, I don’t want to think “What is with this whiny girl?!” I really want to think “You, my dear, are hhhiiiiiilllllaaaarrrriiiooouussss”

So, with that in mind, here is the story of the fire alarm, that I regaled my sister with today:

I have been reading some good books lately, so I have been FORCED to go to bed later, thus, forfeiting my beauty sleep. Last night was no exception. I was [finally] blissfully asleep when, at about 3:30 AMish, our fire alarm in the bedroom beeped a few times. It wasn’t the annoying, short beep that says “Change my battery! Now! Or I will drive you insane! Don’t test me!”, no this beep was the beep it makes when it smells smoke (and by smoke, I mean the person who lit up a cigarette. In Boston. It’s one sensitive bitch. “Kiki? Kiki-kins? Who’s smoking? I smell smoke. Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of where I’m standing! Stop them Kiki, stop them!” I digress).

I go into “Fire mode”. My sister makes fun of me because last time we were faced with a fire situation, I checked my door before touching the handle. Because I graduated 5th grade. Once again, I put my fire skills to use, but alas, nothing. After about 10 minutes, Michael and I decided it was an anomaly and went back to bed. Not more than 40 minutes later it beeped a few more times.

This time, I remembered that the smoke detector we bought for the bedroom was also a CO detector. Read: we were all going to die. I made Michael go find the manual (yes, I keep every manual that comes through my door), while I started crying. Like, hysterically. In my defense, it was 4 AM. I told Michael that it was OK if we died, but that I just didn’t want The Grays to die. (Although, let’s be serious, who would put up with their shit if we were gone?) Michael comes back to tell me that it makes a different noise if it’s CO, so we will live after all. Of course, I don’t believe him and I make him prove it. Which he does. Know-it-all.

We, once again, go back to bed. And sure enough, about an hour later, the beep goes off. This time, I just roll over as I mumble to Michael to take care of it. He does, by taking the batteries out.

Of course, less than a [restless] hour later, I have to get up and get ready for work. By that I mean, I slept later than I should and didn’t wash my hair or wear make-up. I am HOT today. As I was getting ready to leave the house, Michael was still sleeping. I went over to kiss him, like I normally do, and I whispered to him

“I hope you don’t die from CO poisoning. If you do, that means you will have killed The Grays and I will have to bring you back to life so I can kill you again”

I am the most loving girlfriend of all time.

The movie, America’s Sweethearts, has been on Encore all week. I saw it on Wednesday night and Michael told me to record it to watch later. We watched it last night. This a conversation in my house:

Jeni: I love this movie. It’s really special to me and Dawn because-

Michael(interrupting): It’s really special to me too. It’s the first movie I ever loved Billy Crystal in.

Silence

Jeni: How is that even a category in your brain?!

Michael: I really loved him in it. He makes that movie. There is no movie without him.

This is followed by relentless teasing and mocking as we get ready for bed. As we are laying in bed, the saga continues:

Jeni: It’s the first movie you ever loved him in? He’s been in a lot of movies. What about “When Harry met Sally” or “Forget Paris”? [editor's note: I am not exactly a Billy Crystal fan myself] Oh! I know! City Slickers!

Michael: Oh my god! I HATE City Slickers!

Jeni: What’s wrong with City Slickers?

Michael: How about what’s right about it?

Jeni: Wow. I thought that was your kind of movie.

Michael: Well, then I guess you don’t know me as well as you think. I can’t believe you think I’d like that movie.

Jeni: You’re pretty upset over that movie. Anything you want to share?

Michael: No. I just don’t like it.

Jeni: Well, I am glad you found something you could love Billy Crystal for.

Generally, when we bowl, we go to nice places. The kind that let you chose which players get bumpers. I always get bumpers. I can bowl a 50 with bumpers. I’m that good. This place wouldn’t let me have bumpers because I was over 12. They didn’t understand that I really needed those bumpers.

My other secret to bowling is being funny. I am a horrible bowler. My only option is to make people laugh. I don’t just mean my friends-I’ve already bought their love. I mean the people in the lanes surrounding us who watch me and are horrified by my bowling skills. I need them to know that I know I suck and it’s hilarious. I spend most of my bowling time drinking beer and being hilarious. It works.

In any case, we recorded a short video on Friday of each of us bowling. In my defense, I chose 20 minutes of sleep vs. washing my hair and I had to wear a lot of make-up to compensate for my bad hair.

As you can see, my bowling skills are second to none. And yet, I don’t mind sharing with the world.

Your welcome.

Tim’s birthday is July 4th. This means a guaranteed party every year. This year, his friend Darcy sent her parents away and we took over their awesome house. They have an amazing basement that leads to a HUGE backyard with a pool and a fire pit. Many people brought tents to camp out (vs driving like drunken idiots).

Heidi was so excited to use her new tent and she set it up right away. I, being Jeni, teased her about it all night.

When the fireworks were going off, I decided to play a prank on Heidi. It was awesome. Afterward, we recorded me telling the story. There is nothing to actually SEE in this video (because it was so dark), but it is the story and the story is HILARIOUS. Yes, all caps.

Here is a pic we took after the fact to re-enact the event. Yes, we are that cool.

And here is all the pics from that night. I mean, there are like 30, but nevertheless, here they are:

That summer, Joe and I went to spend a month in Connecticut living with our dad. He, obviously, couldn’t take a month off of work, so, for the most part, we were left to our own devices. My dad’s apartment complex was directly across the street from the Mall and the local Walmart. The local Walmart was infinitely more interesting than the mall. We went everyday. The retired greeters all knew us by name. We loved it there.

In the parking lot of that Walmart was a Plymouth Neon. Color: Neon Yellow. It was there every single day, almost always in the same spot. I was in love. I knew that when I graduated, I had to have a Neon.

Now, there aren’t many people who can say that they have the same taste now as they did when they were 13. Although I made it clear to my father I wanted a Neon when I graduated, I don’t think he ever thought I would still want one, 5 years later. He was wrong. For 5 years I thought about my Neon. I watched as newer models came out, making the car smoother, sleeker and ever cooler. Yes, I wanted a safe sedan as my car. I was awesome even then.

When the day finally came, I was ready. I had already been to my local dealer. I lucked out because they had a blue Neon, that had been a driven about 5,000 miles by a couple of dealers, but still came with a full warranty. It was fully loaded, but in my price range because of the 5,000 miles. My dad was barely off the plane before we drove straight to the dealership and signed the papers. I finally had my Neon.

Technically, however, it wasn’t my first car. My mom had gotten me a 1989 Oldsmobile Calais when I first started driving and it was upgraded to a 1995 Nissan Sentra at the end of my Sophomore year. Those cars weren’t technically mine. They belonged to my mom and they were for schlepping my brothers around (not that I wasn’t allowed to do other things). My junior year, one of my friends gave me a hilarious bumper sticker and my mom refused to let me put it on the car. I remember being supremely disappointed.

The Neon, however, was mine and I could do whatever I wanted. I had just received a new bumper sticker at our International Thespian Society awards banquet.

It was my first bumper sticker and still my favorite.

I didn’t set out to cover the back of my car in bumper stickers, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. Over the years, some stickers have come off, some have faded, some have been replaced, but all of been loved.

This week, after bragging that my car has been running great, it died on me. While they figure out what the problem is, I’ve been driving Michael’s car. The last few days I’ve come to realize how much I’ve allowed my car and bumper stickers define me.

I love sitting at a stop light and watching the person behind me crack up at my bumper stickers. I’ve seen people take pictures. As I mentioned, a couple of weeks ago, some cute youngin’s made a sign. I’ve had guys ask my out at stoplights because of them. When I come out of a store, I usually find someone standing there reading them. It’s also a little known fact that Michael and I started talking because he asked me about my bumper stickers. It flattered me so much that he figured out it was my car, I couldn’t resist.

Driving Michael’s pristine car this week has made me feel melancholy. It’s hard for me to realize that I have let my car define me so strongly. I feel like it’s kind of ridiculous that I don’t feel like myself when I am driving around in someone else’s car. I should be defined by the things I do. It’s a lot harder to gauge that. The bumper stickers give instant gratification. I think I need to work a lot harder on myself and my life so that I know what defines me.

Besides bumper stickers.

After I was revived by smelling salts, I was able to ask WHY she needed a . . . dress. To be fair (to me), my sister’s idea of dressing up is a clean pair of jeans and a nice sweater. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. However, I can safely say that she probably hasn’t worn a dress since her wedding. I picked that one out too.

After we chatted and I found out the details, I remembered that I had a black dress that I bought for Michael’s Mother’s 70th Birthday Party. I offered to send it to her overnight, so that if it didn’t work out, we’d still have time to order another. I also did some online browsing and picked out 4 others. ‘Cause I am a Gonzales and I need back-up. I also helped her find a pair of shoes (for some reason, she isn’t into the 4+ inch heels I love. Weird).

Last night, I was going through my receipts and was throwing away the UPS receipt for the overnight delivery. I had a thought. I texted Dawn:

“Hey. I was putting the UPS receipt away and thought ‘it’s almost like we’re real sisters! You know, borrowing clothes and shit’”

Finally.

This year started slow. After watching the HORRIBLE movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, on Christmas day, I did not go to the theater to see another movie until Observe and Report came out. Yeah, that came out in April. That movie was OK, I’ll definitely watch it again, if only to view more of the Albuquerque setting. After that, the next movie we saw was The Hangover. I may not have mentioned it, but I LOVED that movie. We loved it so much we saw it twice in one weekend.

I am happy that my movies are starting to pick up, now that it’s summer. I can’t wait for Harry Potter, Funny People, 500 Days of Summer, and Paper Heart (to name a few). There may be a few obligational movies thrown in there, but that’s OK, as long as I’m at the movies!

So, yesterday, Heidi and I planned a day at the movies. There were a couple new movies out on the list to see and we decided to spend the day at the theater knocking them out. We planned it perfectly. The Proposal, My Sister’s Keeper, Away We Go and The Hangover. Yes, I know I’ve already seen Away We Go and The Hangover, but if I was going to sneak into movies, I was going to get my fill. We packed ourselves lunches (delicious PB & J sammys) and snacks and headed out. We planned so there would be little to no lag time between each show.

The Proposal was exactlywhat you expect it to be. That doesn’t mean, however, there were no laughs. We were cracking up through most of the movie and even though we weren’t huge fans of how it ended, it was, again, predictable.

Now, I’ve read My Sister’s Keeper. I am big Jodi Picoult fan and a big fan of the book. Going in, I knew I had to brace myself, as I am always disappointed by movies based off of books I love. I had already read that they changed the ending and really, the movie loses a lot by doing so. I think Picoult’s book made a strong statement that is completely lost in the movie. The movie felt very scattered and poorly put together. Cameron Diaz seems desperate for an Oscar and I hate to be the bearer of bad news (aw, who am I kidding, I love it), but this isn’t going to do it. She played the mom as too calculating and never once did I feel like she loved her other daughter. Michael cried like a baby and although I may have gotten a tad choked up, I felt it was just trying way too hard to make me cry.

By the time we headed into Away We Go, Heidi and I were getting paranoid. We’re really good girls, at heart, and we were so worried someone was going to figure out had been there for 4 hours (and counting) and cause a huge scene and be thrown out. I think we both imagined it to go like this (start at the 2:14 mark). We also got paranoid whenever Michael left because if things started to go down, we wanted him there to handle it/get us out of it/take the fall. Yes, these are the paranoid thoughts that ran through our heads.

We made it, though! We made it all the way through The Hangover and then we, literally, high-tailed it out of there. Once we were out of the main doors, we high-fived our success and headed over to RR. All in all, it was an awesome day.

This week is also awesome because a) it’s a short one and b) my boss is in FL, so it’s just me hanging out and cleaning up the office. I love when I can come to work in jeans, work on projects and generally be left alone.

Hey, it’s the little things, right?

I decided that transcribing some of these messages from my yearbook for you would be hilarious (at least to me) and insightful. I have added a few editors notes. But if there is no explanation, it’s cause I can’t remember that inside joke.

“Hey there Jeni (Flash) [Flash was my nickname. Cause I flashed people]! How them tits  hangin’? [see]  It’s been great having you as a bestest friend! Keep Flashing people!!! Get Drunk, Get High, Get Naked!!! [Our motto. As you can see, not much has changed] Love, Lisa”

“Jeni, I like to smack your ass, Miguel” [I have no idea who Miguel is]

“Jeni, Hi, It’s the Jolly Green Giant. Well, I believe you have contaminated my poor mind numerous times this year, but I’ll live-I hope. Anyways, don’t go posting your bra in too many places, k? Talk to you later, Miriam”

“A strange, but cool chick, I don’t know what’s up with you and the clippings from some one’s knob, but whatever quivers your liver babe. Have fun taking porno pictures and get really ripped this summer. Call me sometime xxx-xxxx. Miss World”

“Jeni you sexy girl, I will never forget the good sex we had, the tantalizing foreplay with whip cream, strawberry’s and chocolate syrup and those ice cold ice cubes running down the center of my back. I’ll never forget those fantasies we discussed between the two of us talking about our most desirable places we wanted to be touched at. Are you having an orgasm yet, because if not I have no problem telling you about my experiences with those thousands of guys! He, He! You’re still ahead of me sexually you brat, but I’ll catch up one day, even if it takes 20 years. Always, Julia”

“Hey sweetiepie, Once Mick Jagger and Little Richards went to have sex, but Rob Thomas and Mrs. Russell were married. [note: Rob Thomas endures] So along came the Supervixen Jeni and saved Rob Thomas and they had sex forever and ever. Love you lots!  Frankie aka Ms. DeeVyne”

“Flash, If I leave you with anything, its this: ‘keep Sonny and Cher inside their house!’ [Sonny and Cher are the names of my boobs] I’m glad we’re still able to be friends after all this time. Be sure to call me this summer. Have a great summer! Always, Brooke”

“Jeni, Hello you psycho chick. Man alive am I glad I met you! I don’t think I’ll ever forget your porno ways for a long time. I’ll have to go to therapy for a really long time, but I’m glad you were in the class I just happened to go into. Your acting skills are amazing. Follow your heart even if it does lead to Brad Renfro. Good Luck with the next 2 years. Stephanie”

“Jeni, I’m glad to have known you for these past two years, even though you scare me sometimes and you are a bit gullible [what?!!?]. Call me this summer so we can get in trouble again [we got in pretty big trouble]. Alicia”

“Jeni, I’m so glad to have gotten to know you this past year and half. You’re always so happy and cheerful [I swear it says that]. Thanx for all the rides you’ve given me [it's how I got friends-my car] and for all the stories you’ve told me, although they were nasty, they were entertaining. And one more thing, try to keep your clothes on, you shouldn’t be giving people that kind of show for free! Just kidding! You know I love you! Oh well, see you later. Mari”

“Jeni, I have 3 words for you DRUGS, SEX, AND ROCK!! You are one awesome chick. Stay the way you are, down as phuc. I hope your summer will be as fuct as mine. Have lots of sex, do lots of drugs and make a few pornos! Keep on flashin’ em! Lindsay”

“Jed-i!! Party hardy, rock n’ roll, chug a 40, smoke a bowl. To all you losers who think your cool, think again ’cause I RULE! Nikole”

“Flash, Well this year went by in a FLASH! But I guess I can’t alter time, but I’m not gonna whine-hey! that rhymed! J/K Well, I’m glad we met cause it’s been a crazy ride knowing you. Even though you bagged on me at the time and shit and used to make fun of my fuckin’ limp [THAT should be the next video blog!]. It’s Forest Gimp [I'm SO clever] to say you’re still cool or is it Foreskin? Well, you make me laugh and I respect you cause your down to earth. Good luck in the future, I know you will go far[aw, from the guy that gave me my first pearl necklace. Sweet]! You know what you want so stick with it and stay true and real and you will succeed in life. 1st was cool, but now I have no classes with you. Well, you’re just gonna have to visit me in Cruces or somethin’. Hope to see you over the summer. Good Luck! Jesse P.S. What’s up with a 3some and porno pics? ‘Condoms for all and no dicks will fall’ [good saying] P.P.S. Tell your mom I said HI P.P.P.S Keep the Angels together”

So then there’s that. As I was reading that last one, I decided that the story of that guy should be the next video blog. I’m really just here to amuse myself. Y’all are innocent bystanders.

What have we learned? In high school, all I talked about was sex and I liked to show my boobs.

I wonder what’s changed. . . . . .