Last week, I shut out the entire world and just curled into a ball and tried not to die. This week I was forced to go back to work and interact with other human beings. That hasn’t been easy.

Then, a huge decision presented itself to me, just when I thought I couldn’t handle one. more. thing.

Of course, we always think we can’t handle things, but we handle them just the same. We eat our elephants one bite at a time.

Yesterday I realized how much I have to be grateful for. On Tuesday, I had great conversations with my sister and my dad. I had a good, clarifying call with Michael. On Wednesday, I went to Therapy (even though I really, really didn’t want to), followed by a wonderful conversation with my best friend of 16+ years, Cara. I am so lucky to have so many people to talk to; people who know me and can help make decisions (especially when making a decision is the last thing I want to do).

After therapy and talking to Cara, I decided what to do about my housing situation. In fact, what they said (coupled with conversations with my dad and sister) just made so much sense I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I am going to move back into my old condo.

This isn’t a decision I have taken lightly in any way and I am the type of person that once I decide something, that’s just it. Many people have said to me that I should consider moving and just having a fresh start. And I took that advice to heart. It was something worth considering. Ultimately, what it comes down to is my need to stand still.

With all that has happened in the last year, moving into my condo will be comforting. It will be like going home because it IS going home. Where I live now has never even felt close to home. Moving back into my condo, with things just so will feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I know I won’t live there forever, but I can live there for a time and, I think, heal a little bit. What’s more, it’s a place I have lived with The Gray. I wasn’t looking forward to moving to my first home without her. Now I won’t have to just yet. This is almost the opposite of the change that I dread so much. It’s not change at all.

I have no illusions that it won’t be hard at first. It will be. But I believe I can move on from that.

I am ready to stand still.

Remember how I said basically said that Michael and Heidi were the only people that could ever make me feel happy on my birthday? Yeah, well, Michael and Heidi are the only people who didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Maybe it was foolishness on my part, but I honestly did expect a text from Michael. It was only 2 days before my birthday that we texted about a hilarious Harry Potter shirt I saw. We’ve been on friendly-ish terms. Surely he would send me a simple text message that read “Happy Birthday”? But he didn’t. And it hurt.

Michael, at least, has an excuse-we broke up. He doesn’t owe me anything, no matter how much it means to me. Heidi, on the other hand, well . . . that hurts worse. She is supposed to be my best friend. We have talked endlessly as to how hard this birthday was going to be for me-without Michael, without her, turning 30. She knew better than anyone how I was feeling, but I got nothing from her. I don’t know why. It wasn’t until the next day, after JOE had to text her asking her why she did that to me, that she called and left me a voicemail. Basically she said that she had tried to call twice, it went straight to voicemail and she thought I would see the missed calls. Really? Who wouldn’t leave a voicemail? And she knew damn well I was flying that day, so of course it went straight to voicemail. And when my phone is off, I most certainly do NOT see missed calls. I have been struggling for days to get past my hurt and anger, but I have not been successful. If anything, it reinforces my idea that when I let people in, all they do is hurt me.

I did, however, do a pretty good job of not allowing the events of my birthday affect the rest of my weekend.

Being in New Mexico was a roller coaster of emotions. I came to a shocking realization: New Mexico is no longer “home”. Sure, the majority of my family lives there and it’s where I grew up, but it isn’t “home” anymore, Seattle is. It was a thrilling and scary thought.

I saw a lot of people-more people than I usually ever see when I slink into town. I had an awesome 11 year High School reunion with the handful of people I went to High School with that I actually care about. It was such a delight to see my OG (original Gay) Frankie. You know you have a great friendship with someone when 11 years pass, but it feels like only a few minutes. We are both older and wiser and infinitely more awesome. We had a great night of bar hopping and drag show watching. AND we saw Amanda Lepore!!! I know, so fucking cool. It was an awesome night:

After staying out until 1 AM and being cockblocked by Jesus Justin Beiber (seriously, I was thisclose to kissing a boy!), I was on the road by 7:30 am heading to Santa Fe for Grandpa Breakfast. Besides the fact that breakfast was delicious and my grandparents were hilarious, sitting at their table a huge bubble of calm enveloped me. There is so much change in my life. Constant change and, as I have mentioned many, many times, changes is ridiculously hard for me. Yet, sitting there, at my grandparents house, everything was the same. Maybe little things had changed here and there, but everything was the same as it has been my whole life and that felt amazing. I can’t even describe how awesome I felt sitting there.

The rest of the weekend was filled with my newphews and my sister and the rest of my family. Hanging out, laughing, playing cards and feeling love. I felt a lot of love. Those nephews of mine, man, they just melt my heart.

And now I am home. Home, home. I have my cats and my music. It isn’t much, but it’s working right now and that’s all I can really ask for.

Those are ABQ's famous hot air balloons

On August 10th, 2001, I got in a car with my dad and drove for 2 days straight to Connecticut. I left New Mexico, where I grew up, I left all my family and friends and I have never looked back.

On August 10th, 2003, I got in a car alone and drove for a day and a half to Olympia, WA. I actually left from New Mexico, where I had spent 2 weeks helping my sister plan her wedding and just, generally, spending time with those family and friends I had left behind 2 years before.

Finally, I just realized that on August 10th, 2011, 10 years after I left home for the first time, I will be attending my first therapy session. Cause me? I’m kind of broken.

I never planned the August 10th thing. As I said, I just realized last night that it worked out that day. It’s kind of crazy, though, right?

10 years. I left home 10 years ago. That number feels huge to me. Especially because I sometimes feel like those 10 years have just flown by.

Yet, a lot of things have happened in those 10 years. I have lived in 2 different states, 6 different houses/apartments, 2 new grays, 2 long-term relationships, 1 “divorce”, lost friends, found friends, new friends, some very hard times and some really great ones.

I can’t help think that I spent the majority of those years with Michael.

But I do want to say that I am proud of myself. Most people I went to High School with never even left New Mexico. And, if that’s a choice they made, then I can’t judge them or feel superior. Hell, some of them have traveled more and had more adventures than I have ever dreamed of. I just find it kind of crazy! There is so much here in this world to see and do. I personally think every person should move away from the place they grew up for at least 2 years. I think it can be so freeing. I felt freed when I left. And since I have been here in Seattle, I have still felt free. I had no idea. I just got it in my head that Seattle was where I wanted to be. I moved here with a car full of clothes. I had no job and no place to live. My uncle let me stay in the camper in his back yard. I just came here and built a life from scratch. I think it’s ok to be proud of that.

It’s awesome that I have found my place. Seattle is really, truly my place. No matter what drama happens in my life, I feel great about being in Seattle. I love all this city has given me. I love everything I have never done (but will definitely get to in the next 10 years). I love the people here. I love the music here. And yes, I LOVE the weather here.

Now I have to start thinking about the next 10 years. Especially now that I turn 30 (!) next month. I need to stop doing things that hurt me and people I love. I need to find a job I love. I need to spend more time with the Seattle music scene (no, I do. I promise that going to a show almost every night is not enough time). I need to volunteer for a cause I believe in. I need to be better. I want to be better.

I think it’s fitting that I will spend my 30th birthday traveling back to New Mexico for a long weekend. No matter how happy I am in Seattle, a part of me will always be in New Mexico. That place and those that I love there helped build the foundation that is me.

And you can’t build anything without a foundation.

It looks like Kylie is coming again in May! I am constantly looking for excuses to go to San Francisco, so it’s for sure happening. It’s even better because it’s over a weekend. So. freaking. happy.

Also, we are [hopefully] having a family retreat at my dad’s house in Minnesota this summer. Last time we kind of broke his water pipes mysteriously, so  . . .honestly, I wouldn’t be opposed to it again.

I want to take a weekend trip to Portland (to see my girl LSL). I want to take a weekend trip with my brother to Vancouver. I think I am going to go with Michael to the birth place of Jeni (aka Washington DC). And FOR SURES I am going home for Christmas. Seriously. If I don’t go home for Christmas, I better be dead.

In addition, my sister plans to come out in March. We will totally be getting new tattoos at the ONLY place I will get them now: Skin and Soul. I heart Dale. AND, plans aren’t firmed up yet, but I think my cousin Frankie is going to come out in July to see the last Harry Potter with me. This is kind of awesome because I took him to see the first Harry Potter way back in the day.

Finally, to kick it all off: I leave today to go visit Joe, et. al. in SLC.

I haven’t really, truly seen Joe since Edward’s graduation. I am excited, nervous, worried and blissfully happy. There is so much that could go wrong. But more than anything, it will be like coming home. I might sound crazy, but Joe part of my soul. Just hugging him is going to make me feel complete. And I get to do more than hug him! I get to laugh and read his mind and get competitive playing games and cook dinner and be siblings. Just thinking about it all brings happy tears to my eyes.

I feel like with this kind of start. . . 2011 can’t go wrong!

And, (FYI, I’m rambling now) I am loving that I want to blog again! I feel excited by it. I have, like, 2 or 3 post brewing! And I am turning 30 this year! Shit’s about to get crazy all up in here!

Phew. OK. I’m calm now. Off to Salt Lake!

This past weekend, Michael and I went to see the Harry Potter Exhibition at the Pacific Science Center. It’s not a secret that I love me some Harry Potter. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was sick and I began re-reading the entire series. I think it’s totally lovely that a book I read 5 times can still keep me up until 2:30 AM.

On some good advice from Sunny, we got our tickets for the first tour group. They are all uptight there and you’re not allowed to have food, drink or GO TO THE FREAKIN’ BATHROOM. Still, I enjoyed being the first group in and not being over-crowded.

Now, I’d be willing to wager that Michael and I have watched each movie more times than most any one out there. This is because we watch it every. single. night. before bed. In fact, I never even was interested in the series until Michael and I lived together. This being the case, I have to say, I was a little skeptical of the authenticity of some of the items. For example, I thought Ron and Harry’s bed looked much smaller than in the movie. Of course, to be fair, so did every costume. But I am used to movie stars being midgets.

Either way, we had a great time. Of course, as every good exhibition does, this one ended in the gift shop. There were some damn good things in that shop. I could have easily spent $1,000. I really wanted the Dark Mark necklace, but I ended up settling on something even more useless: Lord Voldemort’s wand. For some reason, even though I am totally Team Harry, I love all the dark memorabilia.It was a tough choice, though. It was between that and The Elder Wand (aka Dumbeldore’s wand)

So . . .funny story about my wand. They have all the wands you can buy on display. They are pretty cool and I was having a hard time deciding. I finally settled on Voldemort’s wand and set off to find where they kept the wands you could buy (vs. the ones on display). I found the girl who was guarding the wall of wands and the following conversation happened:

Me: Is this where you get the wands?

Her: Yup! Which one do you want?

Me: (sort of ashamed) Voldemort

She holds out the box currently in her hand

Her: Here you go!

Me: (looking at her with disdain) Has that been touched by human hands?

Her: (confused) Well, I’m holding it, so, yeah, my hands.

Me: Did you open the box?

Her: Once, someone asked me to op-

Me: (interrupting) No. I need a different box. Untouched

Her: But no one touched the wand inside

Me: I’m sorry, I need a new box

Her: You are NOT my new best friend.

Me: I understand.

I may be buying Voldemort’s wand, but I have standards.

P.S. The exhibition just extended it’s run by 2 weeks! You should go!

The last few years, I have written about how hard those years have been for me. The last 3 years of my life have been filled with tough changes-both professional and personal. I have had to adjust myself over and over again. For someone who hates change-it hasn’t been pretty. But, I will say that I think I HAVE changed. Many of my worst tendencies have been refined. I am no where near where I want to be, but I have become much better than where I was. To toot my own horn a little-I’m pretty happy with that. I never thought I could do that.

All that being said, I have to admit there is another reason this year was pretty awesome. However, I do want to preface this by saying that I can see a problem with my happiness being tied to someone else. And if I knew how to sever that tie, I would have gladly done so a year and a half ago. But whether I like it or not, Joe is so deeply ingrained in my skin and soul that no matter what, I need him-just like I need Dawn and Ed-to be happy.

On Nov. 4th at 10:16 AM, my brother, my heart, my soul texted me: I love you

I’m not going to lie-I didn’t believe it at first. I sat there for 20 minutes just staring at the phone.

But it was real. And my brother is back. And we talk and text and share things on google reader and I suddenly feel full again. And whole.

I won’t lie. . .things are a little different. It’s not quite as effortless as it used to be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think it will be soon. It doesn’t mean I’m not OK with our relationship changing or shifting. All relationships do.

So here’s to 2011–another year to change, to shift, to grow. I hope to find my voice again.

Normally, I skip the opening band. It’s not that I don’t like new music, it’s just that, well. . . .I’m old. I can only stand around for so long. That’s right, I’M OLD.

However, my dear, dear Sizzle told me to check out the opener, The Head and The Heart, a few weeks before the concert. I didn’t listen too closely, but liked them enough to get there early.

Phenomenal.

I can not tell you enough how in love with this band I am. In fact, we are going to see them again next Tuesday.

You can thank me later.

Not to say I haven’t had any fun. Last Saturday, I got to spend the evening with some of the most intelligent, funny and beautiful women I know. Terrell hosted us at a little girl blogger get together. I got to meet the famous Kerri, Seattle’s latest awesome chic, Supple AND my name twin, Jen! Of course, Sizzle was there and she did not fail in making me die of laughter. I can sum it up in one word: merkin. Beat that.

Yesterday, it was fabulously sunny out, so Michael and I grabbed a blanket and some sunscreen and headed to the park. We spent 5 hours soaking up some vitamin D. It was lazy, luxurious and delightful.

Today, we are heading over to Ed’s to set-up his new desk. I know, we ARE the most exciting people ever.

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Work has been interesting, to say the least.

Many days, the people and the noise overwhelms me.

I am having a hard time adjusting to corporate way of doing things (aka an excessive number of meetings).

I am enjoying making new friends, but it’s coupled with having to work with people I can’t stand.

I am already getting gifts from clients and it feels great to be appreciated.

I have never had to really deal with office politics before and it’s exhausting.

I love working with one of my best friends, but I worry this is going to affect our relationship.

I like the work I get to do, but feel like I spend too much time doing it. I need a break sometimes.

So . . . a lot of conflicted feelings. Still, I am much better off than I was 5 months ago, so that counts for something.

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In just 16 days it will be 1 whole year since my brother has spoken to me. I could not even write that sentence without tears spilling down my cheeks. There are so many things I want to say, but I think that may be a whole other blog post. 1 whole year. I thought it was supposed to get easier?

Changes are afoot in casa de Gray Cat. Our bedroom is almost finished, we are working on re-doing the bathroom, I changed my hair to a dark red color and, oh yeah, I have a new job.

That’s right, a new job. Actually, it’s an old job. After 1 year, 4 months and 8 days, I am back with Tom. It’s all a little crazy.

So, Tom and I didn’t exactly leave things between us very good when he moved to P1 and I moved on. However, Tom and I were too close to continue not talking. Since I left, we’ve hung out at least once a quarter, enjoying our friendship. We had dinner and caught up in December, just after my dad left. As I have spoken about here, I have been dissatisfied with my job for some time. Tom has not been too pleased with the help he’s had since I left. He informed me of a few major changes in his office, one of them being that he is a manager. Two of the biggest reasons I refused to work in his office are now no longer factors. I let Tom know that if the right situation presented itself, I’d be willing to come back. I surprised even myself.

Both Tom and I thought the “right situation” may or may not ever come, yet just 3 weeks later, there it was. I will admit, though, I wasn’t completely sold on the idea. I’ve never felt that this job and this industry is where I am meant to be. Going back to Tom’s practice was making a commitment to him and his client that I was in it for the long haul. I don’t take that lightly. I didn’t want to go back just to leave again in a year. As I have documented well, I just don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

This job isn’t exactly an ideal job (somehow I imagine myself more bohemian and less corporate), but I am good at this job. Tom and I work well together. I have been back a week and it’s like I never left. It fits well and it feels good.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow-up, but I don’t feel like I am wasting my time while I figure it out. I feel great about this choice. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days. But everyone has days at work. Even if you love your job. It’s life.

My life is moving in the right direction. I feel happy for the first time in years. Michael has a new job and he loves it. Things are going well. While there are still many things missing, it feels great to be a few steps closer.

I immediately picked up the phone to call. Mammer answered.

Mam: Hi Auntie Jeni!

Me: Hi Mammer! What are you doing?

Mam: Oh, just talking to you.

Me: Oh! Well, Mam, mommy told me you have a girlfriend. What’s up with that?

Mam: Don’t worry Auntie Jeni. I still love you the most. I’m your lucky charm

If, you guessed, I then died of happiness, you’d be correct.

The conversation drifted into other areas, but I was still concerned about this girlfriend business.

Me: So, Mam, how come you decided to have a girlfriend

Mam: Well, she’s always mean to me, so I decided to be her boyfriend so I could spy on her.

Me: That’s my boy.

I am often surprised that kid didn’t actually come from my body.