Not to say I haven’t had any fun. Last Saturday, I got to spend the evening with some of the most intelligent, funny and beautiful women I know. Terrell hosted us at a little girl blogger get together. I got to meet the famous Kerri, Seattle’s latest awesome chic, Supple AND my name twin, Jen! Of course, Sizzle was there and she did not fail in making me die of laughter. I can sum it up in one word: merkin. Beat that.

Yesterday, it was fabulously sunny out, so Michael and I grabbed a blanket and some sunscreen and headed to the park. We spent 5 hours soaking up some vitamin D. It was lazy, luxurious and delightful.

Today, we are heading over to Ed’s to set-up his new desk. I know, we ARE the most exciting people ever.

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Work has been interesting, to say the least.

Many days, the people and the noise overwhelms me.

I am having a hard time adjusting to corporate way of doing things (aka an excessive number of meetings).

I am enjoying making new friends, but it’s coupled with having to work with people I can’t stand.

I am already getting gifts from clients and it feels great to be appreciated.

I have never had to really deal with office politics before and it’s exhausting.

I love working with one of my best friends, but I worry this is going to affect our relationship.

I like the work I get to do, but feel like I spend too much time doing it. I need a break sometimes.

So . . . a lot of conflicted feelings. Still, I am much better off than I was 5 months ago, so that counts for something.

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In just 16 days it will be 1 whole year since my brother has spoken to me. I could not even write that sentence without tears spilling down my cheeks. There are so many things I want to say, but I think that may be a whole other blog post. 1 whole year. I thought it was supposed to get easier?

Changes are afoot in casa de Gray Cat. Our bedroom is almost finished, we are working on re-doing the bathroom, I changed my hair to a dark red color and, oh yeah, I have a new job.

That’s right, a new job. Actually, it’s an old job. After 1 year, 4 months and 8 days, I am back with Tom. It’s all a little crazy.

So, Tom and I didn’t exactly leave things between us very good when he moved to P1 and I moved on. However, Tom and I were too close to continue not talking. Since I left, we’ve hung out at least once a quarter, enjoying our friendship. We had dinner and caught up in December, just after my dad left. As I have spoken about here, I have been dissatisfied with my job for some time. Tom has not been too pleased with the help he’s had since I left. He informed me of a few major changes in his office, one of them being that he is a manager. Two of the biggest reasons I refused to work in his office are now no longer factors. I let Tom know that if the right situation presented itself, I’d be willing to come back. I surprised even myself.

Both Tom and I thought the “right situation” may or may not ever come, yet just 3 weeks later, there it was. I will admit, though, I wasn’t completely sold on the idea. I’ve never felt that this job and this industry is where I am meant to be. Going back to Tom’s practice was making a commitment to him and his client that I was in it for the long haul. I don’t take that lightly. I didn’t want to go back just to leave again in a year. As I have documented well, I just don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

This job isn’t exactly an ideal job (somehow I imagine myself more bohemian and less corporate), but I am good at this job. Tom and I work well together. I have been back a week and it’s like I never left. It fits well and it feels good.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow-up, but I don’t feel like I am wasting my time while I figure it out. I feel great about this choice. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days. But everyone has days at work. Even if you love your job. It’s life.

My life is moving in the right direction. I feel happy for the first time in years. Michael has a new job and he loves it. Things are going well. While there are still many things missing, it feels great to be a few steps closer.

I immediately picked up the phone to call. Mammer answered.

Mam: Hi Auntie Jeni!

Me: Hi Mammer! What are you doing?

Mam: Oh, just talking to you.

Me: Oh! Well, Mam, mommy told me you have a girlfriend. What’s up with that?

Mam: Don’t worry Auntie Jeni. I still love you the most. I’m your lucky charm

If, you guessed, I then died of happiness, you’d be correct.

The conversation drifted into other areas, but I was still concerned about this girlfriend business.

Me: So, Mam, how come you decided to have a girlfriend

Mam: Well, she’s always mean to me, so I decided to be her boyfriend so I could spy on her.

Me: That’s my boy.

I am often surprised that kid didn’t actually come from my body.

I had a wonderful time in New Mexico. I met my mom’s boyfriend and I totally love him. She just shines around him and I’ve never seen her so happy. I love it.

I took my nephews to the most horrible circus of all time. Seriously. You could tell the animals were mistreated, one of the performers had no panties on, there were pole dancers and about 4 near-death experiences. We left at intermission. I was cool Auntie Jeni because, not only did I know ALL about the DSi, but thanks to my girl Sizzle, I had my very OWN DSi. I have never been more awesome.

One of my best moments is when Mammer said “Auntie Jeni, you and me, we’re just, like the same people, right?” and the worst was when I had to say goodbye and watch the tears rolling down Matthew’s face.

I saw Joe. He didn’t see me. As fate would have it, our gate were right next to each other. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at his face, but I knew I would never recover if I walked up to him, he looked me in the eyes and walked away. I would never get over it, so I didn’t take the chance. I felt it was the right thing to do.

Since I’ve been back, Michael’s been gone . . . he got a job! And it’s totally the perfect job for him. I can’t really write too much about it at this time, unless I did a password, but if you are DYING to know what it is, you can always email me. So, he’s in DC (birth place of Jeni) and will be back tomorrow.

I’ve been plugging along as best I can. I will, hopefully, have some exciting news to share next week.

Oh! And we re-did our room. We didn’t spend too much time on it when we first remodeled, mostly because we just didn’t have the time. The new carpet we installed when we first moved in was completely destroyed during the remodel and the room was only half-painted because we tore out a wall for the pocket door. In any case, we weren’t loving it. I saw an idea in this month’s In Style and it totally spiraled. I will do a whole post on it once the new carpet is installed. I think you’ll love it. It’s so serene now.

And there ya go. Boring and mundane, but it’s a jumping off point.

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself-Switchfoot

It’s been a busy week. Challenging, as well. Last night, I really had to push myself to go to the Post Secret event. I knew I’d be waiting outside for hours, in the cold, alone. Ed decided to go to work, since he couldn’t get me in and my pals decided not to go, since there wasn’t a strong chance of us getting in-which I completely understood. However, it turned out to leave me feeling very lonely and vulnerable. It wasn’t that situation alone-this week, I’ve been doing things that I would have LOVED to do with Joe. Things I would give anything to share with Joe. We used to call each other on Sunday morning and go through the secrets together. One of the many things I’ve lost.

Don’t get me wrong, though-the event was good, if only because Frank Warren is such an amazing soul. Honestly, it felt like the students were there just to be there. Though respectful, they just didn’t seem to be getting much out of it-texting and whispering and giggling to each other. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I am just being too judgemental. Maybe E) all of the above. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I got to listen to Frank and see how he has taken his life and transformed so many others. I am grateful for his view on the world. It’s a very powerful one.

On Tuesday, Ed and I went to the Switchfoot concert. Joe and I discovered Switchfoot in 2000, I think. We loved, loved, loved them. It surprises people (it sometimes surprises me) because of how God-centric their music is. I always felt like they left their message open, for me to decide what I wanted to hear. I appreciate that.

I saw Switchfoot when I first moved to Seattle. Literally, like, a month after I got here. It was incredible. They were my favorite band at the time and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was right around that time, however, that they went one way with their music and I went the other in the kind of music I liked. They have come quite a few times in the last 6 years, but I always have chosen not to go, because I knew it would focus mostly on new stuff. I am not sure why I decided to go this time. It seemed pretty important to me, though.

I picked up Ed early and we were going to go get coffee at Stumptown. However, after not finding parking at either location (and I wasn’t willing to pay for parking twice), we decided to just head down to the Market, park and walk around. We noticed a Starbucks about a half a block north of the Showbox, but wanted to see if there was anything else before settling. Eventually, we decided there wasn’t much doin’ at the market on a Tuesday night (especially if one of you isn’t legal) and headed back to the Starbucks. We had just sat down with our coffees, when I saw the door open.

“Ohmygodedohmygod”

“What?”

“Jon Foreman just walked in” [aka, lead singer of Switchfoot]

“Oh. My. God”

While Jon Foreman ordered coffee, Ed and I debated what we should do-talk? Ask for an autograph? A picture? I always imagine this situation would be weird (and look! I was right!), because I am not all about accosting famous people and bothering them when all they want is a fucking cup of coffee before a show. However, I decided I just admired him too damn much to not say hi.

So, I did. I walked up, introduced myself, shook his hand, told him I loved him (I maybe quoted him from a rare DVD-not only because I love the quote, but also because it proved what a huge fan I really am) and then I asked if he would sign my ticket for the show. And he did. And he was so nice and gracious and exactly the person I thought he was. Which is always nice.

On a side/hilarious note-the barista, after she saw my interaction with Mr. Foreman, had the gall to ask him who he was and then say “Oh! I love your band! I wanted to go tonight, but I had to work!”. Really? You love the band, yet have no idea what the lead singer looks like? Really?

They put on a great show-again, I hardly knew the songs, since it was all new stuff, but it made me listen to some of the new stuff and I really enjoyed it. So, there’s that.

Of course, even though I yelled it from the rooftops on Twitter and Facebook, there was really only one person I wanted to tell. I am still trying to get used to not being able to.

It all goes to show you, if you leave the house every once in awhile, you will meet famous people. At least that’s the lesson I am clinging to.

That being said, I think, psychology, we all begin to take stock in Dec/Jan and think about our lives and what we can change or make better. I know I have been doing that for the last month. I don’t have a lot of answers, but I feel good about the reflection I have done. In this reflection, I have been adamant with myself to not make a “resolution” because, in my mind, that word equals failure.

However, there have been signs. Strong, screaming signs pointing me in a direction. Honestly, if I looked at the list of things I need to change about myself, this would fall to the bottom and yet, in the last few weeks, everything has been telling me that THIS is the thing I need to focus on right now and I feel like I need to give it a try.

You know what I love? I love being at home. I love The Grays curled up next me, covered in a blanket, reading a book, reading a blog, watching a movie-home, home, home, home. Love it. What do I hate? I hate leaving my house, wearing shoes and a bra, going out in the rain, going out in the cold, driving more than a mile, driving on the freeway, driving in rush hour. Hate. Do you see where this is going? Yeah, I am basically a hermit. I often say no to things because the thought of doing any of those things I hate just overwhelms me. The funny thing is, 99.9% of the time, I am SO happy I got my lazy ass out of the house to do whatever. I always think “Gah! You’re so lazy. That was awesome! You are such a lazy whiner”. Seriously. I often say it aloud.

I find myself in a place where, this month, I am VERY busy. I have all sorts of things planned. And I love it. Screw sleep. I’ll wear the damn bra. I’ll start saying “yes”.

That’s right, 2010 will be my year of “yes”, if it KILLS me (it might, you know). I need to stop turning down things just so I can stay home, in my comfort zone. I need to say “yes”, I need to step outside my comfort zone and I need to start living my life more fully. I am only 28. Why have I been acting like I’m dead (or close to it)? I don’t have an answer, but I know I need to focus on saying “yes”.

This week: I am hanging out with Heidi before she leaves for training, going to the Switchfoot concert with Ed, attending the Post Secret Event (hopefully) with LSL, Sizzle and Aimee (yes!!), going to get my Tarot Cards read on Saturday, followed by The Lovely Bones and, at some point, Michael’s sister Sheila and her 2 boys are going to come and hang out. Normally, I would be dreading a week this packed, but right now, I am loving it!

*LSL sent me a mix CD with this song on it, and it was one of the signs I mentioned earlier. Love!
“Just say yes / Just say there’s nothing holding you back / It’s not a test / Nor a trick of the mind, only love” -Snow Patrol

Today, I anxiously await picking up my dad and step-mom from the airport.

Tomorrow, I will miss my sister, nephews, grandparents, brothers, mom, Tim, Heidi and all those I love I won’t get to see. I will enjoy a relaxing time at my house with my boyfriend and parents. I will think fondly of all the friends I have made this year.

I live a very blessed life. I have so, so much. For all my complaining, I have so much more than most people have and I am so very grateful for it all.

When times get tough, I think people spend a lot of time thinking about the road not traveled. The life you might have had always looks easier when you have no idea what trials and tribulations you might have endured. It’s not to say you regret what you have chosen, just that in the present’s harsh reality, that other life looks mighty tempting.

When I was given the chance, I gave up everything to move to Seattle. I was living in Connecticut, I was in school (with only a year and a half until I was done), I had two jobs I LOVED and, after 2 years, I was finally starting to feel at home. Not to say it was all rainbows. I had just broken up with my first really real boyfriend, I kind of hated school and I didn’t have very many friends. However, I was riding high at work-I had just done my first children’s play with the after-school program I worked with and it was a HUGE success. I was offered a Saturday drama class and, when school started again, I was going to travel to different schools and do weekly acting workshops with the kids. Oh, and I was going to do another children’s play. It was exactly what I wanted to do, career-wise. I would have been happy doing that forever.

But then-then-I was offered Seattle on a silver platter. I had always wanted to live here and my dad said he would pay for me to move across country, help me find and pay for an apartment and support me until I got on my feet. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

So, it’s times like now, when I hate my job, but make too much money to leave, when my brother hasn’t spoken to me in six months with no end in sight and when I am not going home for Christmas for the third year in a row, when I begin to think what my life would have been like if I had stayed there in Connecticut.

It all seems so tempting.

I don’t spend too much time on the subject, though. Honestly, I don’t regret my decision. Despite all the hard things in my life, there are so many wonderful things: going to awesome concerts with amazing people, my patient boyfriend, my brother living near me, my kick-ass condo, more than enough income, my hilarious sister, my dad coming to visit for Christmas, my friends Heidi and Tim, my nephews (who make every breath worth taking) and a life so many would love to have.

See, there is no way I could regret that decision. Nothing could be better than this.

That’s not to say that I had a different fantasy. I didn’t. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about what I dreamt my life would be like when I was an adult and I can’t think of anything. I am terrified of what that says about me. It’s no surprise that 6 years after moving to Seattle, I am still doing a job I basically fell into. It’s no surprise that I haven’t the faintest idea what I really want to do with my life. Something that would make me excited about my job and proud of myself. No clue.

That’s all a story for another day, though. No, what I am really thinking about is that whole marriage gene that is missing. Aimee wrote a post about her list for a life partner and it got me thinking about Michael.

He’s one of those people that, if, someone who knows me well met him, just out in the world, they would never think to themselves “Hey! That guy is perfect for Jeni”. However, once they meet him, with me and see us, together, they all say “He is exactly the right person for you”.

And he is. He is the right person for me. I never wrote a list, like Aimee. I never imagined a husband, what he would look like or how he would act. Honestly, I didn’t even really like Michael when we first met. In fact, I avoided him the first 6 months I knew him.

He won me over though. And it’s funny because, I may not have ever imagined a future husband or life partner, but I can’t imagine what my life was like before him. We’ve had a very, very rough road. It amazes me that we have ended up here. Together.

He is one of the only people on this earth that I want to be around all the time. He can calm me like no other. He makes me laugh. Just the other night, we were on the couch, watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and for about an hour and a half, I laughed so much and so hard. I can’t even remember the last time life was that good.

Michael and I will never get married, (Well, I guess I can’t say never, cause, I mean, who knows? But we certainly have no plans to ever get married) but our life is a partnership. We have built a home and a [gray cat] family and our life is a life we both love. Sure, we have moments. Dark and scary and ugly moments, but I believe in us both to not walk away.

I may not know what I want to be when I grow up. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. There are so many things that are wrong in my life. Relationships and personal, emotional and physical, issues. There are things I need to change about me. But knowing that I have Michael, who will be there to support me, help and protect me?

At this point, that certainty and that love, it’s enough for me.

Fuck you. No, really. You can fuck off and die. Is that too harsh? I really don’t think so.

Today, I woke up in a good mood. I might be tempted to say GREAT mood. But, if I did that, it would just tempt YOU into shitting all over it. You don’t have to lie, I know I’m right.

Was it necessary for my blow dryer (not more than a year old) to break when my hair is half wet and totally frizzy? Did you find it HILARIOUS that the people at Starbucks forgot to make my sandwhich, but by then I was running late, so I left without it and now I am starving? Oh! Here’s a good one: I couldn’t avoid a branch in the road, so, when I drove over it, I heard it scrape the bottom of my NEW car. Also? That bump made my coffee spill all over the inside of my NEW car. It must have been just the BEST when I saw the huge blue stain on my white shirt. The white shirt I washed yesterday and was pristine when I left the house. And when I sat down at my desk (oh yes, all of this happened before 9 AM-so awesome) my mouse mysteriously no longer worked and my space heater was broken. High-five! You today, are PRICELESS.

And you know what? I decided that since you suck, I’m not going to be upset. I’m not going to be cranky and I’m not going to be mean. I will KILL you with kindness, even if you try to kill me first. I was presented with an opportunity to help a friend and all the fun and joy that comes with it easily overpowers anything you can throw at me.

So there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Love,

Jeni Angel