On August 10th, 2001, I got in a car with my dad and drove for 2 days straight to Connecticut. I left New Mexico, where I grew up, I left all my family and friends and I have never looked back.

On August 10th, 2003, I got in a car alone and drove for a day and a half to Olympia, WA. I actually left from New Mexico, where I had spent 2 weeks helping my sister plan her wedding and just, generally, spending time with those family and friends I had left behind 2 years before.

Finally, I just realized that on August 10th, 2011, 10 years after I left home for the first time, I will be attending my first therapy session. Cause me? I’m kind of broken.

I never planned the August 10th thing. As I said, I just realized last night that it worked out that day. It’s kind of crazy, though, right?

10 years. I left home 10 years ago. That number feels huge to me. Especially because I sometimes feel like those 10 years have just flown by.

Yet, a lot of things have happened in those 10 years. I have lived in 2 different states, 6 different houses/apartments, 2 new grays, 2 long-term relationships, 1 “divorce”, lost friends, found friends, new friends, some very hard times and some really great ones.

I can’t help think that I spent the majority of those years with Michael.

But I do want to say that I am proud of myself. Most people I went to High School with never even left New Mexico. And, if that’s a choice they made, then I can’t judge them or feel superior. Hell, some of them have traveled more and had more adventures than I have ever dreamed of. I just find it kind of crazy! There is so much here in this world to see and do. I personally think every person should move away from the place they grew up for at least 2 years. I think it can be so freeing. I felt freed when I left. And since I have been here in Seattle, I have still felt free. I had no idea. I just got it in my head that Seattle was where I wanted to be. I moved here with a car full of clothes. I had no job and no place to live. My uncle let me stay in the camper in his back yard. I just came here and built a life from scratch. I think it’s ok to be proud of that.

It’s awesome that I have found my place. Seattle is really, truly my place. No matter what drama happens in my life, I feel great about being in Seattle. I love all this city has given me. I love everything I have never done (but will definitely get to in the next 10 years). I love the people here. I love the music here. And yes, I LOVE the weather here.

Now I have to start thinking about the next 10 years. Especially now that I turn 30 (!) next month. I need to stop doing things that hurt me and people I love. I need to find a job I love. I need to spend more time with the Seattle music scene (no, I do. I promise that going to a show almost every night is not enough time). I need to volunteer for a cause I believe in. I need to be better. I want to be better.

I think it’s fitting that I will spend my 30th birthday traveling back to New Mexico for a long weekend. No matter how happy I am in Seattle, a part of me will always be in New Mexico. That place and those that I love there helped build the foundation that is me.

And you can’t build anything without a foundation.

I had such an amazing music night last night. So awesome, that I couldn’t sleep all night and YET, I am still giddy today.

I went to see The Local Strangers at Tractor Tavern last night. Of course, I had previously seen them at their CD release party, but somehow, this show was EVEN BETTER than that first time. Man, oh man, Aubrey’s voice is just so rich. I can feel her reverberating in my heart when she sings. And all it takes is one look at the pure JOY on Matt’s face when he sings to feel that joy leap into you. I don’t think every artist is as happy to be there are you are, but The Local Strangers are. They played 2 new songs and I am just dying for a full length album. I am just a lifelong, die-hard fan now. It doesn’t hurt that they are as nice as can be.

I happily and surprisingly got there in time to check out the openers Gold Mountain.  Duuuudddeeee. WATCH OUT FOR THESE GUYS. What an amazing set!! Every song was so different and unique. I could not even tear myself away to go to the bathroom during their set. Heidi and I were dancing around and hugging. And, of course, (my favorite) the lyrics were poignant and fun.  My only disappointment was they had no music to sell me! No CDs or downloads. Give them a listen when you get a chance. So, so good.

Also . . . oh, you know, I got to meet and chat with Jon from The Head and The Heart!!!!!!!!!!!!! My un-wavering obsession with this band is well documented (mostly on twitter and facebook) and I contend that once you see them live you will be a fan for life (and P.S., they are about to hit the road for their first headlining tour-GO SEE THEM! Get your tixs before they sell out!). Jon walked in to Tractor Tavern just before me and I, of course, immediately  recognized him. I wanted to tackle him right then, but I did my best to restrain myself. I am overtly aware that famous people would probably just like to be able to do normal shit without crazies like me bothering them. Also, I saw no one else rushing up to him gushing, so I didn’t want to be the only idiot in the place who couldn’t keep her shit together. However, after I was so happy from listening to Gold Mountain and The Local Strangers, I could restrain myself no more. I just tapped him on the arm and word vomited all over him. Of course, he was just the sweetest and nicest and we chatted for almost 10 minutes. As we were leaving right afterward, my friend Aggie said I looked so crazily high. Which….I was.

And beyond all the musical awesomeness happening around me, I got to hang with my new friend Aggie, hang with my bestie Heidi, see my concert buddy Kristen, meet tons of new people (my people), get invited to an awesome party and just genuinely feel like my life is beyond amazing.

Heidi, Kristen, Jeni and Aggie

It’s a great feeling.

On Friday, Heidi and I went to the CD release party of The Local Strangers. Can I just say how lucky I feel to live in a city with such AMAZING local artists. If I had the time and the money, I could spend every night of the week just listening to the talent in this city. The Local Strangers are no exception. I LOVE what they have to offer (so far) and you will too. Aubrey’s voice is lush and Matt’s enthusiasm while performing can’t be beat. And, of course, watching them live was just a delight.

This is my favorite song from their EP:

Seattle Acoustic Sessions – The Local Strangers – For Fear of Losing from Jason Green on Vimeo.

 So. good.

So, besides the good tunes with a good friend, I also got to meet up with my former co-worker Quinton, who is also an up-and-coming local musician. I have not had the pleasure to make it to one of his shows yet, but from what I can see so far, I like it.

AND Heidi and I met a [potential] new friend! We chatted with her while waiting for the show to start-she is new to the area and lives and works right by us. We are going to meet up with her this week for lunch. I LOVE that!!

Of course, the fabulous night would not have been complete with a celebrity sighting-Kris Orlowskiwas at the show. I stopped him to chat. And by chat, I mean gush over him like a crazy, psycho fan. I am pretty sure he went straight from the show to the court house for a restraining order, but that’s OK, because I can always stand 20 feet from the stage. OK, maybe that’s all a Marce. Kris was really nice and even offered to send me his lyrics. Heidi and I are going to see him Thursday. Yay!

We actually stayed out until midnight, when our old age prompty caught up with us. The next morning, we went to breakfast at our favorite place, drove all over the Seattle, went back to Heidi’s house to watch chick flicks and eat the most random assortment of snacks ever created (see below).

All in all, not a bad weekend at all.

So. Besides all that, my sister and I had an AWESOME visit. Seriously, we had a great time. We spent a day lazing about and watching Charmed. We had a sibling dinner. We had serious talks and ridiculous antics. We saw a 1/4 of a concert and got lost driving to Ballard. We had our Astrological charts read (seriously, folks, Rene is AWESOME) and we visited Dale at Skin and Soul to get 3 new tattoos each:

Angelic Symbol for Truth (located on the back of my left arm, directly above the elbow)

Angelic Symbol for Honesty (located on the back of my right arm, directly above the elbow)

Dawn got an Elephant (located on her right shoulder)

This is her reminder to always address the elephant in the room and to always eat your elephant one bite at a time. I LOVE the way her elephant turned out. LOVE

Dawn also got this Sun and Moon with the initials of the boys, along with a teeny tiny puzzle piece (which is for Autism Awareness). (located on her upper, left hand shoulder blade).

We both also got a small evil eye on our left wrist (for some reason, I have no pics). A great reminder not to judge others (aka giving them the evil eye).

Honestly, it was wonderful to be out of work for 6 days in a row, surrounded by the people I love most.

Alas, now it is back to work and my busy schedule. On top, of which, I need to really buckle down and focus on my Life and Health test. I need to just get it over with because then I will be done with tests for a long, long time.

It looks like Kylie is coming again in May! I am constantly looking for excuses to go to San Francisco, so it’s for sure happening. It’s even better because it’s over a weekend. So. freaking. happy.

Also, we are [hopefully] having a family retreat at my dad’s house in Minnesota this summer. Last time we kind of broke his water pipes mysteriously, so  . . .honestly, I wouldn’t be opposed to it again.

I want to take a weekend trip to Portland (to see my girl LSL). I want to take a weekend trip with my brother to Vancouver. I think I am going to go with Michael to the birth place of Jeni (aka Washington DC). And FOR SURES I am going home for Christmas. Seriously. If I don’t go home for Christmas, I better be dead.

In addition, my sister plans to come out in March. We will totally be getting new tattoos at the ONLY place I will get them now: Skin and Soul. I heart Dale. AND, plans aren’t firmed up yet, but I think my cousin Frankie is going to come out in July to see the last Harry Potter with me. This is kind of awesome because I took him to see the first Harry Potter way back in the day.

Finally, to kick it all off: I leave today to go visit Joe, et. al. in SLC.

I haven’t really, truly seen Joe since Edward’s graduation. I am excited, nervous, worried and blissfully happy. There is so much that could go wrong. But more than anything, it will be like coming home. I might sound crazy, but Joe part of my soul. Just hugging him is going to make me feel complete. And I get to do more than hug him! I get to laugh and read his mind and get competitive playing games and cook dinner and be siblings. Just thinking about it all brings happy tears to my eyes.

I feel like with this kind of start. . . 2011 can’t go wrong!

And, (FYI, I’m rambling now) I am loving that I want to blog again! I feel excited by it. I have, like, 2 or 3 post brewing! And I am turning 30 this year! Shit’s about to get crazy all up in here!

Phew. OK. I’m calm now. Off to Salt Lake!

The last few years, I have written about how hard those years have been for me. The last 3 years of my life have been filled with tough changes-both professional and personal. I have had to adjust myself over and over again. For someone who hates change-it hasn’t been pretty. But, I will say that I think I HAVE changed. Many of my worst tendencies have been refined. I am no where near where I want to be, but I have become much better than where I was. To toot my own horn a little-I’m pretty happy with that. I never thought I could do that.

All that being said, I have to admit there is another reason this year was pretty awesome. However, I do want to preface this by saying that I can see a problem with my happiness being tied to someone else. And if I knew how to sever that tie, I would have gladly done so a year and a half ago. But whether I like it or not, Joe is so deeply ingrained in my skin and soul that no matter what, I need him-just like I need Dawn and Ed-to be happy.

On Nov. 4th at 10:16 AM, my brother, my heart, my soul texted me: I love you

I’m not going to lie-I didn’t believe it at first. I sat there for 20 minutes just staring at the phone.

But it was real. And my brother is back. And we talk and text and share things on google reader and I suddenly feel full again. And whole.

I won’t lie. . .things are a little different. It’s not quite as effortless as it used to be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think it will be soon. It doesn’t mean I’m not OK with our relationship changing or shifting. All relationships do.

So here’s to 2011–another year to change, to shift, to grow. I hope to find my voice again.

Since we had an unfinished dresser, I thought it would be fun to take the idea and run with it. When I mentioned it to Michael, he decided we should just re-do the whole thing. When we remodeled, we never really got a chance to do the bedroom. We had 2 days to move the stuff from my apartment to the condo before we left for Hawaii. On top of that, we then had to live in the bedroom for almost 6 months. I painted the walls before we moved in and we put in new carpet, but I never finished the walls because we put in the pocket door and the carpet got destroyed by cats and electricians.

We decided to repaint the whole room and get new carpet. First, we did the dressers and they turned out awesome.

Then, we had to wait for the carpet to get here. We also had to order new comforter and curtains. [Please note: I wanted to make the bed for these pictures, but Jake refused to move]

All in all, I am loving the new bedroom. It feels so tranquil in our room now. I love walking in there. We are hoping to re-do the bathroom next (Michael has finally agreed to get rid of those blue walls!).

Changes are afoot in casa de Gray Cat. Our bedroom is almost finished, we are working on re-doing the bathroom, I changed my hair to a dark red color and, oh yeah, I have a new job.

That’s right, a new job. Actually, it’s an old job. After 1 year, 4 months and 8 days, I am back with Tom. It’s all a little crazy.

So, Tom and I didn’t exactly leave things between us very good when he moved to P1 and I moved on. However, Tom and I were too close to continue not talking. Since I left, we’ve hung out at least once a quarter, enjoying our friendship. We had dinner and caught up in December, just after my dad left. As I have spoken about here, I have been dissatisfied with my job for some time. Tom has not been too pleased with the help he’s had since I left. He informed me of a few major changes in his office, one of them being that he is a manager. Two of the biggest reasons I refused to work in his office are now no longer factors. I let Tom know that if the right situation presented itself, I’d be willing to come back. I surprised even myself.

Both Tom and I thought the “right situation” may or may not ever come, yet just 3 weeks later, there it was. I will admit, though, I wasn’t completely sold on the idea. I’ve never felt that this job and this industry is where I am meant to be. Going back to Tom’s practice was making a commitment to him and his client that I was in it for the long haul. I don’t take that lightly. I didn’t want to go back just to leave again in a year. As I have documented well, I just don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

This job isn’t exactly an ideal job (somehow I imagine myself more bohemian and less corporate), but I am good at this job. Tom and I work well together. I have been back a week and it’s like I never left. It fits well and it feels good.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow-up, but I don’t feel like I am wasting my time while I figure it out. I feel great about this choice. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days. But everyone has days at work. Even if you love your job. It’s life.

My life is moving in the right direction. I feel happy for the first time in years. Michael has a new job and he loves it. Things are going well. While there are still many things missing, it feels great to be a few steps closer.

I immediately picked up the phone to call. Mammer answered.

Mam: Hi Auntie Jeni!

Me: Hi Mammer! What are you doing?

Mam: Oh, just talking to you.

Me: Oh! Well, Mam, mommy told me you have a girlfriend. What’s up with that?

Mam: Don’t worry Auntie Jeni. I still love you the most. I’m your lucky charm

If, you guessed, I then died of happiness, you’d be correct.

The conversation drifted into other areas, but I was still concerned about this girlfriend business.

Me: So, Mam, how come you decided to have a girlfriend

Mam: Well, she’s always mean to me, so I decided to be her boyfriend so I could spy on her.

Me: That’s my boy.

I am often surprised that kid didn’t actually come from my body.

I am looking forward to it. I will admit, though, to feeling queasy at the thought of Joe and I in the same city, breathing the same air. So close and yet, so far. He won’t be there the whole time I’m there-he’s heading to Salt Lake for the weekend. There will be moments, though. Moments we’ll be so close together after all this time. Moments wasted. I know at this point I need to wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait for him to decide.

I’ve never been good at waiting for something I want.

I’m excited, though. I get to meet my mom’s boyfriend for the first time. I will see some dear, old friends. I will eat like it’s my last meal(s). And I will get to soak up my sister and nephews. No plans beyond laughing. There will be a lot of laughing.

It’s just what I need.