I am just stubborn. Just like you. Just like our dad. Just like our grandpa. etc. We come from a long line of stubborn people.

I just don’t want to accept a life without you. You are a part of my soul. How can I accept it?

And you. Isn’t it enough? Isn’t you not speaking to me for over a year enough? Isn’t enough that you have forever changed our family and our relationships with our family members? Isn’t enough that you ruined me? Isn’t enough?

Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to come back to the battlefield just to spit on the people you killed? Do you really hate me that much? How can you hate me so much?How can you hate me so much you have to kick my already lifeless body?

I wish I could hate you. I wish I could let you go. I wish a million wishes that will never come true.

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All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She’s got teary eyes
I’ve got reasons why

I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m headed for the final precipice

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I’m so confused
What’s true of false
What’s fact or fiction after all
I feel like I’m an apparition’s pet

But you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break your heart
It isn’t love
If it doesn’t break your heart
It’s not enough
It’s when you’re breaking down
With your insides coming out
That’s when you find out what your heart is made of

And you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet
Cause you haven’t lost me yet

-Yet, by Switchfoot

If I were a month I’d be September

If I were a day I’d be Sunday

If I were a time of day I’d be 9pm

If I were a font I’d be Enviro

If I were a sea animal I’d be a sea turtle

If I were a direction I’d be Northwest

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a La-Z-boy

If I were a liquid I’d be vodka

If I were a gemstone I’d be a sapphire

If I were a tree I’d be a Weeping Willow

If I were a tool I’d be a screwdriver

If I were a flower I’d be the Flower of Life

If I were an element of weather I’d be storm cloud

If I were a musical instrument I’d be a guitar

If I were a color I’d be indigo

If I were an emotion I’d be stubborn

If I were a fruit I’d be a blueberry

If I were a sound I’d be a sigh

If I were an element I’d be carbon

If I were a car I’d be my neon.

If I were a food I’d be toffee

If I were a place I’d be home

If I were a material I’d be cotton

If I were a taste I’d be Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch

If I were a scent I’d be lavender

If I were a body part I’d be a hand

If I were a song I’d be The Good That Won’t Come Out by Rilo Kiley

If I were a bird I’d be a Gray Catbird (naturally)

If I were a gift I’d be big, expensive and sparkly

If I were a city I’d be San Francisco

If I were a door I’d be open

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Louboutins

If I were a poem I’d be Lost By Jewel

Lost
is a puzzle
of stars
that breathes
like water
and chews
like stone

Alone
is a reminder
of how far
acceptance
is from
understanding

Fear
is a bird
that believes itself
into extinction

Desperation
the honest recognition
of a false truth

Hope
seeing who you really are
at your highest
is who you will become

Grace
the refinement of a
Soul through time

You may be asking yourself “when did Jeni go back to school?”. Jeni didn’t. Jeni’s brother/son is in college, therefore, his work is her work. To be honest, we did have fun, even though I have never worked that hard on my OWN school stuff. Of course, the fact that we are siblings worked against us. #1) We both overdue any sort of project we work on and #2) we’re both perfectionist. This may have had something to do with the fact that the project was NEVER ENDING. However, the fact that some of the kids in Ed’s class said “Thanks for making us look bad” makes it all worth it.

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So, I am loving work. It’s almost like I never left. I love re-connecting with our clients, I love Tom and I love Jason (the third part of our team). I love seeing Tim everyday and having lunch with Heidi. I love the 5 million places to eat within a 2 block radius. I love Starbucks in my building. I love not driving everyday.

There are a few things I do not love, but they seem to be temporary. I can wait it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven’t worked for a corporation for over 6 years. There are a lot of rules. There are also a lot of blocked websites. Now, I haven’t had a ton of down time, but, today, for example, when I ate lunch at my desk, there wasn’t much to look at. Why’s it gotta be so hard to catch-up on my facebook and blogs? I’m entitled to a break, damn it. I guess I’m taking up smoking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I fell down some stairs on Saturday. I totally hurt my leg. It’s not swollen or bruised and I can walk. However, there is a throbbing pain. I didn’t go the ER because I wasn’t sure my benefits had kicked in yet (and it was before the congress vote and it didn’t $2,000 hurt. I will hobble for a few more days before I consider going in, although, I have no clue what could be wrong. It sucks being klutz.

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This weekend, my friend Lindsay is visiting from NM. Woot!

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Next month I am going to Charlotte Gainsbourg and I am ECSTATIC. In addition, May brings Chris Pureka and James Taylor/Carole King. Scissor Sisters have a new album coming out, so I am looking forward to another great year for concerts. Yay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok. I guess that’s it. I miss you guys! I may not be commenting, but I am reading. Damn job.

I immediately picked up the phone to call. Mammer answered.

Mam: Hi Auntie Jeni!

Me: Hi Mammer! What are you doing?

Mam: Oh, just talking to you.

Me: Oh! Well, Mam, mommy told me you have a girlfriend. What’s up with that?

Mam: Don’t worry Auntie Jeni. I still love you the most. I’m your lucky charm

If, you guessed, I then died of happiness, you’d be correct.

The conversation drifted into other areas, but I was still concerned about this girlfriend business.

Me: So, Mam, how come you decided to have a girlfriend

Mam: Well, she’s always mean to me, so I decided to be her boyfriend so I could spy on her.

Me: That’s my boy.

I am often surprised that kid didn’t actually come from my body.

So, the movies I saw:

(500) Days Of Summer: I really loved this move. Joseph Gordon Levitt is just a delight. Even the cheesy music montage in the middle of the film touched my feeling.
Away We Go: Love, love, love. There wasn’t one thing about this movie I disliked. And the score gave me Alexi Murdoch, so you can’t go wrong there.
The Blind Side: We saw this Christmas Eve with my dad and Audrey. It was their pick. I will admit, though, it was a good movie and I am glad I saw it. But I didn’t cry. My heart of stone endures.
Brothers: It was OK. I didn’t exactly like the ending. The cast was awesome, though. They all did a spectacular job.
Bruno: So not as funny as it should have been.
Duplicity: It was cute, I guess. I got bored watching it, though. Sometimes, Clive Owen can go wrong.
Funny People: I will admit, I love anything Judd Apatow does. This movie was fantastic. It’s hilarious, dark, dramatic and so, so interesting. Loved every long, long minute of it.
The Hangover: Michael didn’t want to see this movie. However, we ended up seeing it 5 times in the theater. It was beyond hilarious. I will never forget that night Michael, Heidi and I saw it for the first time. We left that theater sore from laughter.
Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince: Well, the movie was well done. I was, however, disappointed with 2 things: 1) they put in an extra scene that served no damn purpose and then 2) they did not give Dumbeldore a proper funeral. Otherwise, it’s one of the best Harry Potter movies.
He’s Just Not That Into You: Heidi forced me to watch this. And I am sad I did. Despite it’s all star cast, the premise made me want to kill myself. No one I know acts like these people.
I Love You, Man: Hilar. Just so funny and delightful.
Love Happens: Yeah. This movie, is a trick. On a couple of levels. FYI: NOT a romantic comedy. Or a romantic drama. I left the theater wanting to stick my head in the oven. Dawn has been warned she isn’t allowed to see it. The other fraud is, that not matter how many aerial shots of Seattle you have, this was not filmed here in Seattle.
My Sister’s Keeper: Loved the book. The movie sucked. And they changed the ending. And Cameron Diaz tried way too hard.
New Moon: Ed and I got drunk. I barely recall that afternoon of humiliation.
Observe And Report: Oh Seth Rogen, how I love you. Also, filmed in Albuquerque, so I loved that. Totally dark and I loved it.
Paper Heart: Good movie. I was bothered that I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.
The Proposal: I was surprised I didn’t hate this movie. It was cute and even though the ending kind of angered me, I liked it.
Sherlock Holmes: The last movie of 2009 I saw. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law can’t be wrong. About half way through, I thought “This is NOT what I signed up for”, but, in the end, it was perfection.
Up in the Air: I also saw this with my dad and Audrey. Hilarious, since the main character could be my dad. Loved it. This movie was just so well done.
Where The Wild Things Are: Well. The visuals we amazing. The kid was awesome. We were bored to tears.

There were a few movies I missed. Movies I plan on seeing ASAP.

Adam
An Education
A Single Man
Humpday
The Invention of Lying
Management
Wendy and Lucy

Bring it on, 2010!

Today, I anxiously await picking up my dad and step-mom from the airport.

Tomorrow, I will miss my sister, nephews, grandparents, brothers, mom, Tim, Heidi and all those I love I won’t get to see. I will enjoy a relaxing time at my house with my boyfriend and parents. I will think fondly of all the friends I have made this year.

I live a very blessed life. I have so, so much. For all my complaining, I have so much more than most people have and I am so very grateful for it all.

1. I am so excited because a journal I have wanted FOREVER from Sweet Bella went on sale today. It’s the little things in life. . .
2. My girl, LSL, sent me a mix CD, chocolate and a little note. This pretty much made my week, if not month.
3. Apparently, some people (coughJoecough) think I am sostupid, that I would use other people’s cell phones to try and contact them. Like THAT would work. “Oh! So you tricked me and lied? Well, that’s OK, even though I haven’t spoken to you in 6 months, I forgive you and will talk to you anyway!” Right. That makes soooo much sense.
4. Holidays are coming up. I’ve done my best to get into the Holiday spirit, but, it hasn’t quite been working out.
5. It hasn’t yet been a week, but I miss Ed.
6. I am ready for a new tattoo
7. I have been trying very hard to make Google Wave work for me. I don’t think I should have to try so hard, Google. Also, I have some invites if anyone wants one.
8. Michael got The Gray cat a small heating pad, because she loves her warmth. However, I noticed last night that it has 15 pounds of fur on it and she seems to be going bald in some spots. So, I told him that it can only be kept on in a limited capacity
9. I am still angry that I couldn’t (although, OK, I chose not to) go home for Christmas

I am not loving this post. But I am, once again, trying to push through my issues and just post it.

I LOVE this video. It’s done so well.

So, here is one of my secrets:

My biggest fear is that no one will ever love me the way Joe did and I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Because without him, no matter who else I have, I am alone.

I don’t know what there is left to say. My life has become stagnant.

Every day, I fall a little bit out of love with Joe. There is nothing more to say on the subject because nothing has changed. I am starting to believe nothing will ever change.

I am still at my job. I have come to accept that won’t be changing anytime soon.

I tried writing about my new car and how hard it was to walk away from my old car. But I have covered that ground before and there was nothing new to add. I do have my new Prius and I do love it. But it’s just a car.

My friends . . . are also a difficult subject, on which I have little to say. At one time, we called each other family. Now, we don’t even call each other on the phone.

However, last Friday, I DID get to hang out with some amazing woman.And it was fulfilling and fun and one of the best nights I have had in forever. I stayed out until 1 AM, which, apparently, is a little too late for someone my age. (Thanks Ed!)

Ed and I hang out almost every weekend and it has been a delight. We never do anything too exciting, but just the time together is awesome.

There are things, rattling around in my head. For now, though, they are unfinished and I have nothing to say.

The movie, America’s Sweethearts, has been on Encore all week. I saw it on Wednesday night and Michael told me to record it to watch later. We watched it last night. This a conversation in my house:

Jeni: I love this movie. It’s really special to me and Dawn because-

Michael(interrupting): It’s really special to me too. It’s the first movie I ever loved Billy Crystal in.

Silence

Jeni: How is that even a category in your brain?!

Michael: I really loved him in it. He makes that movie. There is no movie without him.

This is followed by relentless teasing and mocking as we get ready for bed. As we are laying in bed, the saga continues:

Jeni: It’s the first movie you ever loved him in? He’s been in a lot of movies. What about “When Harry met Sally” or “Forget Paris”? [editor's note: I am not exactly a Billy Crystal fan myself] Oh! I know! City Slickers!

Michael: Oh my god! I HATE City Slickers!

Jeni: What’s wrong with City Slickers?

Michael: How about what’s right about it?

Jeni: Wow. I thought that was your kind of movie.

Michael: Well, then I guess you don’t know me as well as you think. I can’t believe you think I’d like that movie.

Jeni: You’re pretty upset over that movie. Anything you want to share?

Michael: No. I just don’t like it.

Jeni: Well, I am glad you found something you could love Billy Crystal for.