I don’t miss him in the “oh, I love him so much, I wish we could get back together” way. (For the record, I do love him, but I have no wish for us to get back together)

I miss the way he knew me. The way only someone you are in a relationship with can know you. Someone who sees you day after day. Someone you can’t hide from because you share a 700 square foot condo with them.

People don’t understand. Most people don’t feel about their pets the way I do. Michael, for seven years, saw me with The Gray. He fully understands how huge she was in my life. When I told him, I could hear him crying, but trying to hold it back for me. Despite everything, he always knew how to take care of me. He had infinite patience for me. Had.

I feel lonely in a way that friendships can’t fix. Siblings can’t fix it either. Those relationships aren’t the same; they can’t be the same.

I miss The Gray. I miss Michael. I miss things that can never be mine again and I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I have no idea what to do.

*Title from The Cure for Pain by Jon Foreman

About half of the movies I did see weren’t even in the theater. It was at home, once they came out on HBO. At least I had a Gray on my lap

To be fair. After perusing the list of movies that came out this year . . . wasn’t so great in my book.

So, my yearly summation of the movies I actually saw that actually came out in 2011 with, of course, my important opinion of each.

Abduction: This is not a “Jeni” movie. However, some amazing musicians I know-Hot Bodies in Motion-had a song on the soundtrack and in the movie and we couldn’t miss a chance to see it played on the big screen. I would say it was worth it. Don’t see this movie. But, do buy the soundtrack
Bridesmaids: It’s not that it wasn’t funny. It really was. And I LOVED all the Wilson Phillips. It’s just that . . . watching someone’s life hit rock bottom kind hit a little too close to home. I probably cried as much as I laughed.
Cedar Rapids: Um . . . not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what I go. This was a strange film and not in a good way.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: This my favorite movie of the year. It may be in my top 10 favorite movies ever. I loved, loved, loved it. I laughed, I cried, I saw Ryan Gosling shirtless. What more could I want?
Everything Must Go: I have an undying love for Will Ferrell. He is hilarious. When he did Stranger than Fiction, it was different than his other movies and I loved it. I thought this movie would be in the same vein. It wasn’t. It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t call it good either.
Hall Pass: Ugh. I saw this on HBO a few weeks ago. Joe and I just left it there because it came on after something else we were watching and both of us haven’t seen it. I wish I would have just poked my eye with a Q-Tip instead. I would have had more fun.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2: Sigh. Bittersweet. In more ways than one. As a purist, I didn’t like some of the changes they made. However, over all, they did a great job of ending the series. If anyone every tries to remake it, I’ll kill them.
Horrible Bosses: Loved this movie. Thought it was hilarious.
Just Go with It: Another movie we saw on Starz, just to see. Meh. I love how Adam Sandler just makes movies just to make ‘em these days. No thought to the fact that they are garbage.
No Strings Attached: This was one of Heidi’s 3 picks for the year before she left. Despite the fact that Ashton Kutcher is in this movie, I didn’t hate it. I woudn’t own it or anything, but I’d watch it on F/X if I was bored.
One Day: I LOVED this book. Lucky for me, I had enough distance from when I read the book and saw the movie to not hate the movie. It was hard for me to get on board with Anne Hathaway. Sometimes I love her in movies, sometimes not.
Our Idiot Brother: I’ve said before, Paul Rudd can do no wrong in my eyes. This movie is pretty quirky, but I really liked it.
The Debt: Meh. Interesting enough to watch.
The Dilemma: I couldn;t even make it through the whole thing, it was horrendous. Then, stupid Joe, he wanted to watch it when we were in Minnesota, so I got to see the ending. This movie isn’t worth the sentences I just wrote about it.
The Hangover: Part II: Bleck. Why must Hollywood ruin everything? Couldn’t the first movie just be awesome and stop there?
Young Adult: Yeah. We saw this when we were in Minnesota and basically the best parts of this movie are Patrick Wilson and the fact that people in the small town call Minneapolis the “Mini-Apple”. Otherwise . . . cliched, predictable and boring.

Movies I wanted to see, but, for whatever reason, didn’t:

50/50
Beginners
Hesher
Martha Marcy May Marlene
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
The Adjustment Bureau
The Ides of March
Your Highness

A little sparse, huh? I guess I did make up for my lack of movie going by going to more shows than I can recall. And that was fun. Maybe this year, I could do both?!

What was your favorite movie this past year?

I have desperately tried to find the words to describe my year. It’s been quite a year. I have been disappointed in myself for being unable to find my words. There is so much to say, so much that has happened. Yet, I have no words.

I finally decided I have to forgive myself and let it go. Because maybe I’m just not that girl anymore. After this year, I’m not a lot of things I thought I was. Writing that last sentence just made me cry. That’s one example of the changes I’ve been through.

Right here. Here is where I always get stuck. I may have realized that it has less to do with words and more to do with what happens when my mind begins to wander over the events of the last 12 months. It’s all so overwhelming. Such a hopeful start I had. I feel sick reading that. I miss her. I miss what I thought 2011 was going to be.

Next Wednesday I have my first therapy of 2012, followed by friend-date night with Kristen. We’re going to work on shaping what we want our 2012 to look like.

Maybe I’ll find some hope again. Maybe this time it won’t be lost.

( Note: you should buy albums from all these people because they amaze me. )

Tony Kevin Jr. : Let You Down

Bryan John Appleby: Words of the Revelator
(There was no youtube video I could find. Crazy.)

Hot Bodies in Motion: 15-8

The Local Strangers: All Along

Dawn Mitschele: Anchor

Bon Iver: I Can’t Make You Love Me/Nick of Time

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ed: I will get you the 411

Me: I will take that information and drop it like its hot

Ed: Ok. Then I will holla back at you

Me: Oh. Well. See, that won’t really work because I ain’t no holla back girl

Ed: I had heard otherwise. I apologize

This past weekend, Michael and I went to see the Harry Potter Exhibition at the Pacific Science Center. It’s not a secret that I love me some Harry Potter. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was sick and I began re-reading the entire series. I think it’s totally lovely that a book I read 5 times can still keep me up until 2:30 AM.

On some good advice from Sunny, we got our tickets for the first tour group. They are all uptight there and you’re not allowed to have food, drink or GO TO THE FREAKIN’ BATHROOM. Still, I enjoyed being the first group in and not being over-crowded.

Now, I’d be willing to wager that Michael and I have watched each movie more times than most any one out there. This is because we watch it every. single. night. before bed. In fact, I never even was interested in the series until Michael and I lived together. This being the case, I have to say, I was a little skeptical of the authenticity of some of the items. For example, I thought Ron and Harry’s bed looked much smaller than in the movie. Of course, to be fair, so did every costume. But I am used to movie stars being midgets.

Either way, we had a great time. Of course, as every good exhibition does, this one ended in the gift shop. There were some damn good things in that shop. I could have easily spent $1,000. I really wanted the Dark Mark necklace, but I ended up settling on something even more useless: Lord Voldemort’s wand. For some reason, even though I am totally Team Harry, I love all the dark memorabilia.It was a tough choice, though. It was between that and The Elder Wand (aka Dumbeldore’s wand)

So . . .funny story about my wand. They have all the wands you can buy on display. They are pretty cool and I was having a hard time deciding. I finally settled on Voldemort’s wand and set off to find where they kept the wands you could buy (vs. the ones on display). I found the girl who was guarding the wall of wands and the following conversation happened:

Me: Is this where you get the wands?

Her: Yup! Which one do you want?

Me: (sort of ashamed) Voldemort

She holds out the box currently in her hand

Her: Here you go!

Me: (looking at her with disdain) Has that been touched by human hands?

Her: (confused) Well, I’m holding it, so, yeah, my hands.

Me: Did you open the box?

Her: Once, someone asked me to op-

Me: (interrupting) No. I need a different box. Untouched

Her: But no one touched the wand inside

Me: I’m sorry, I need a new box

Her: You are NOT my new best friend.

Me: I understand.

I may be buying Voldemort’s wand, but I have standards.

P.S. The exhibition just extended it’s run by 2 weeks! You should go!

Of course, I’d be remiss is I didn’t warn you there is some controversy at the end. Hopefully you’ll be understanding of the decisions I made and the integrity of the post will stay strong.

Without further ado, the movies that came out in 2010 that I saw:

Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland: I kind of hated this at first. Which, I think had to do with seeing it in 3D. I don’t like 3D. Whatever movie studios are trying to do with 3D, they should just stop. In any case, when I saw this again, I liked it. Liked, not loved. I am just partial to the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp combo.
Catfish: Um. . .LOVED this movie. And not necessarily for the movie itself, but for the deep, meaningful conversation it sparked. As someone that totally loves all social media and has met many people online, it’s such an interesting reminder to be careful who you are talking to.
Cyrus: So . . . this movie totally reviewed well. Everyone seemed to think it was super awesome. I thought it was “meh”
Despicable Me: Confession: I loved this movie more than Toy Story 3. We saw it the same day and I immediately like this movie better. I think it’s partly because I like villains.
Dinner For Schmucks: So. I liked this movie. But I might have liked it because I have a Paul Rudd shaped heart. I do remember laughing heartily, so that’s a win in my book.
The Greatest: My brother Edward and I love Carey Mulligan. I don’t think this movie was horrible, but I wouldn’t buy it either. I really love the kid who looks exactly like a grown-up Bastian from Neverending Story.
Greenberg: This movie was just OK. I felt like Ben Stiller was trying too hard. There is nothing I dislike more than that
Grown Ups: Um, no. Look, I LOVE Adam Sandler. I am one of 4 people who loved Funny People. However, this movie didn’t have Seth Rogen or Judd Apatow to keep it afloat.  
Harry Potter 7: Part 1: Dude. It’s Harry Potter. While I would have much preferred the movie studios to give me the option of paying twice the price and spending 5 hours in the theater, I really can’t complain about the 2 parts. I appreciate the level of detail it gives that is usually lost.
How Do You Know: Heidi dragged me to this movie and even SHE hated it. Apparently my love for Paul Rudd does have limitations and they are this movie.
Inception: LOVED this movie. Christopher Nolan can do no wrong in my book. PLUS, you can never go wrong with Joseph Gorden-Levitt, amiright?
The Kids Are All Right: It’s a well known fact amongst my people that they only time I cry or show emotion is when I am touched by the rainbow. For some reason, gay story lines with happy endings always gives me the weeps. My cold, black heart just melts. This movie was super fantastic.
Sex And The City 2: Honestly, I am embarrassed to even tell you I saw this. In the theater. After the disaster that was the first movie, I should have known better. Michael Patrick King, I will never forgive you.
Shutter Island: This falls under my “meh” category. Didn’t hate it, didn’t love it.
The Town: Also “meh”. I really enjoyed Rebecca Hall, though. I think she’s fabulous.
Toy Story 3: So, don’t think me inhuman, but I didn’t LOVE this movie and I certainly didn’t cry at it. I mean, if we’re being honest, when I thought they were all going to be incinerated, I was totally fine with it. I thought that was a perfectly realistic ending. Does that make me heartless? Maybe. Of course. . . if it turned out Woody and Buzz were gay and getting married, I would have cried buckets.
Valentine’s Day: Not only did Heidi force me to watch this, so did my step-mom. It doesn’t get better.

Movies that came out in 2010 that I wanted to see, but did not get a chance to see:

127 Hours
Black Swan
Blue Valentine
Date Night
Due Date
Easy A
Get Him To The Greek
Howl
I Love You Phillip Morris
Kick Ass
The King’s Speech
Love And Other Drugs
Never Let Me Go
Scott Pilgrim
The Social Network
Wall Street 2
Youth In Revolt

You might be saying to yourself right now “Jeni, why are Black Swan and Blue Valentine crossed out? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!”

Well, if you follow my tweets (and why wouldn’t you? They are delightful little snacks), you would have seen this one this past weekend. Now you might be saying “So you DID see Blue Valentine! I am so. . . .confused”

Here’s the deal: I feel it’s only fair to include movies that came out in 2010 and I actually saw in the year 2010. Both Blue Valentine and Black Swan were seen in 2011. And while both movies weren’t in wide release until 2011, technically they came out in 2010. I am nothing if I am not hung up on the details.

Sure, some movies will slip through the cracks. There will be some films you’ll never know what I thought one way or the other. But hopefully, by reading my year end reviews, you will have gained enough strength and knowledge to make a choice on your own.

I believe in you.

Normally, I skip the opening band. It’s not that I don’t like new music, it’s just that, well. . . .I’m old. I can only stand around for so long. That’s right, I’M OLD.

However, my dear, dear Sizzle told me to check out the opener, The Head and The Heart, a few weeks before the concert. I didn’t listen too closely, but liked them enough to get there early.

Phenomenal.

I can not tell you enough how in love with this band I am. In fact, we are going to see them again next Tuesday.

You can thank me later.

I am just stubborn. Just like you. Just like our dad. Just like our grandpa. etc. We come from a long line of stubborn people.

I just don’t want to accept a life without you. You are a part of my soul. How can I accept it?

And you. Isn’t it enough? Isn’t you not speaking to me for over a year enough? Isn’t enough that you have forever changed our family and our relationships with our family members? Isn’t enough that you ruined me? Isn’t enough?

Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to come back to the battlefield just to spit on the people you killed? Do you really hate me that much? How can you hate me so much?How can you hate me so much you have to kick my already lifeless body?

I wish I could hate you. I wish I could let you go. I wish a million wishes that will never come true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She’s got teary eyes
I’ve got reasons why

I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m headed for the final precipice

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I’m so confused
What’s true of false
What’s fact or fiction after all
I feel like I’m an apparition’s pet

But you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break your heart
It isn’t love
If it doesn’t break your heart
It’s not enough
It’s when you’re breaking down
With your insides coming out
That’s when you find out what your heart is made of

And you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet
Cause you haven’t lost me yet

-Yet, by Switchfoot