I don’t miss him in the “oh, I love him so much, I wish we could get back together” way. (For the record, I do love him, but I have no wish for us to get back together)

I miss the way he knew me. The way only someone you are in a relationship with can know you. Someone who sees you day after day. Someone you can’t hide from because you share a 700 square foot condo with them.

People don’t understand. Most people don’t feel about their pets the way I do. Michael, for seven years, saw me with The Gray. He fully understands how huge she was in my life. When I told him, I could hear him crying, but trying to hold it back for me. Despite everything, he always knew how to take care of me. He had infinite patience for me. Had.

I feel lonely in a way that friendships can’t fix. Siblings can’t fix it either. Those relationships aren’t the same; they can’t be the same.

I miss The Gray. I miss Michael. I miss things that can never be mine again and I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I have no idea what to do.

*Title from The Cure for Pain by Jon Foreman

About half of the movies I did see weren’t even in the theater. It was at home, once they came out on HBO. At least I had a Gray on my lap

To be fair. After perusing the list of movies that came out this year . . . wasn’t so great in my book.

So, my yearly summation of the movies I actually saw that actually came out in 2011 with, of course, my important opinion of each.

Abduction: This is not a “Jeni” movie. However, some amazing musicians I know-Hot Bodies in Motion-had a song on the soundtrack and in the movie and we couldn’t miss a chance to see it played on the big screen. I would say it was worth it. Don’t see this movie. But, do buy the soundtrack
Bridesmaids: It’s not that it wasn’t funny. It really was. And I LOVED all the Wilson Phillips. It’s just that . . . watching someone’s life hit rock bottom kind hit a little too close to home. I probably cried as much as I laughed.
Cedar Rapids: Um . . . not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what I go. This was a strange film and not in a good way.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: This my favorite movie of the year. It may be in my top 10 favorite movies ever. I loved, loved, loved it. I laughed, I cried, I saw Ryan Gosling shirtless. What more could I want?
Everything Must Go: I have an undying love for Will Ferrell. He is hilarious. When he did Stranger than Fiction, it was different than his other movies and I loved it. I thought this movie would be in the same vein. It wasn’t. It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t call it good either.
Hall Pass: Ugh. I saw this on HBO a few weeks ago. Joe and I just left it there because it came on after something else we were watching and both of us haven’t seen it. I wish I would have just poked my eye with a Q-Tip instead. I would have had more fun.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2: Sigh. Bittersweet. In more ways than one. As a purist, I didn’t like some of the changes they made. However, over all, they did a great job of ending the series. If anyone every tries to remake it, I’ll kill them.
Horrible Bosses: Loved this movie. Thought it was hilarious.
Just Go with It: Another movie we saw on Starz, just to see. Meh. I love how Adam Sandler just makes movies just to make ‘em these days. No thought to the fact that they are garbage.
No Strings Attached: This was one of Heidi’s 3 picks for the year before she left. Despite the fact that Ashton Kutcher is in this movie, I didn’t hate it. I woudn’t own it or anything, but I’d watch it on F/X if I was bored.
One Day: I LOVED this book. Lucky for me, I had enough distance from when I read the book and saw the movie to not hate the movie. It was hard for me to get on board with Anne Hathaway. Sometimes I love her in movies, sometimes not.
Our Idiot Brother: I’ve said before, Paul Rudd can do no wrong in my eyes. This movie is pretty quirky, but I really liked it.
The Debt: Meh. Interesting enough to watch.
The Dilemma: I couldn;t even make it through the whole thing, it was horrendous. Then, stupid Joe, he wanted to watch it when we were in Minnesota, so I got to see the ending. This movie isn’t worth the sentences I just wrote about it.
The Hangover: Part II: Bleck. Why must Hollywood ruin everything? Couldn’t the first movie just be awesome and stop there?
Young Adult: Yeah. We saw this when we were in Minnesota and basically the best parts of this movie are Patrick Wilson and the fact that people in the small town call Minneapolis the “Mini-Apple”. Otherwise . . . cliched, predictable and boring.

Movies I wanted to see, but, for whatever reason, didn’t:

50/50
Beginners
Hesher
Martha Marcy May Marlene
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
The Adjustment Bureau
The Ides of March
Your Highness

A little sparse, huh? I guess I did make up for my lack of movie going by going to more shows than I can recall. And that was fun. Maybe this year, I could do both?!

What was your favorite movie this past year?

( Note: you should buy albums from all these people because they amaze me. )

Tony Kevin Jr. : Let You Down

Bryan John Appleby: Words of the Revelator
(There was no youtube video I could find. Crazy.)

Hot Bodies in Motion: 15-8

The Local Strangers: All Along

Dawn Mitschele: Anchor

Bon Iver: I Can’t Make You Love Me/Nick of Time

And that’s all I have to say about that.

As you can imagine, all the change that 2011 has wrought has not been good for me. And actually, I have done a pretty good job handling it all. Losing the love I thought was “forever” love, losing my home, losing who I thought I was, who I thought I would be. I’ve done OK. It hasn’t been easy and I have definitely had my moments (and I will have more), but I have done better than I ever would have predicted.

I always said that when you break-up with someone (especially a marriage or someone you lived with), the hardest part is losing that friendship. Michael is a person I saw everyday. I told him my stories. He got to hear my daily wins and my daily struggles. We always had plans together, basically every night. I could always count on him to go to any concert with me and he always knew I would take him to the casino and be his designated driver. It hurts to lose that friendship. There are so many things that just he and I shared. There are so many things that happen everyday that I find myself saying “I wish I could tell Michael about that”. But I can’t. I lost my “forever” love and I lost my best friend.

Though, like I said, I have been doing OK with that.

However. Yes, there is a however.

However, this next big change in my life, this next loss . . . I am not sure I can survive it.

As of next Saturday, Heidi is leaving Seattle to move back to Boise. Once again, I am losing my best friend (who knew that could happen twice in 1 year?)

It’s not that I haven’t known this was coming. Heidi and I have talked for well over a year about her moving back there. I have just avoided thinking of what it would mean to me when it actually happened.

Now it’s actually happening.

The thing is . . . I really have no other friends. Sure, I have interested parties. People I see at concerts or an occasional blogger meet-up. My oldest Seattle friend, Tim is here, but we don’t really hang out as much since we started working together again. And yes, my brothers live here and I love it, I really, really do. But it isn’t the same.

I have no one to go get pedicures with.

I have no one that would love to just come over, sit on my couch and watch Sex and The City for hours on end, while my cats snuggle up against them.

I have no one to listen to records with and make jokes with about calling a phone number that is over 30 years old.

I have no one I trust enough to cry in front of.

I have no one who knows me well enough to know that sometimes, I need a little space and it’s OK

I have no one to surprise me at how well she knows me . . .knows things about me I didn’t know about myself

I know, I know. Heidi isn’t dying, she’s moving. But I’ve moved. It’s different. It changes everything. When I am having a bad day, I can’t just take a break and see her in 5 minutes. The distance changes things. Sometimes, it makes things stronger. Dawn and I got so much closer after I moved away from New Mexico. I am just afraid, that, at this point in our lives, it’s not going to work that way.

She and I have been through so much. We sometimes feel like 2 friends that have been through a war together. Only her and I know what it was really like. It’s impossible to find another friend like her. It’s impossible to find anything close.

And I don’t have to replicate the friendship, but it would be nice to have some facsimile of it. It’s so exhausting being so lonely. Part of the reason I have been able to deal with the changes this year is because I had Heidi. We are past the point of getting to know each other. We can sit there and just be. We can lay on the couch, not say a word to each other and listen to Kris Orlowski sing “Waiting” over 30 times in a row (seriously, we did that). Starting over feels impossible. Especially at this point, where I feel too guarded. Because I feel I have to be guarded, I have to protect my very vulnerable, overly sensitive heart.

I am just so scared of being alone. And I feel really, really alone right now.

*Duh. Kris Orlowski lyrics. My favorite song.

I guess I should just come out and say it.

For the last 7 years of my life, I have only had sex with 1 person. AND THAT TERRIFIES ME.

Of course, it might be important to add that mentally and emotionally, I am no where close to the place where I am ready to date or have random sex. Not close in the slightest. However, I am a fan of sex. And, I mean, when you are in a 7 year relationship, you get to have a lot of it. Then suddenly you get none. Then you start freaking out. . . .

I just feel like . . . I am not sure how it works anymore. I mean, I had sex with Michael for 7 years. SEVEN years. One person. I know what he likes. I know what he doesn’t like. And vice versa. It freaks me out to think of being naked with anyone! I was a much younger (not to mention, much thinner) person when I started seeing Michael. I was also a lot more open. I have slutty days in my past. Which, ok, maybe isn’t that great emotionally, but can be very freeing sexually. Sex seemed less of a big deal. Now I feel like it’s this horrible monster lurking in the dark, ready to . . . .well, humiliate me.

I am certain I am not the only person who has ever thought this, but for some reason, it’s been really bothering me. I am sure there is something deeper, as well. The thought of being so intimate with someone else. Someone not Michael. Someone who could hurt me.

I was telling Heidi the other day that I have never had a “normal” relationship. I have never really dated.  Seriously. I have [what I would consider] dated one person in my life. Otherwise, in High School, I slept around, never dated. In college, I was in a relationship with one person, whom I never actually dated, we were just, together. And then Michael. Whom I didn’t date either because he was married and when he wasn’t anymore, we, basically, got married. We were living together 1 month after he moved out of his wife’s house. So, I don’t know how to date. I don’t know how to be with someone for 3 months and just say “hey, this doesn’t seem to work, let’s go our own way” without that being devastating. And I don’t like to play games. I feel like dating is some big game. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to have to pretend to be aloof if I really like someone. And I don’t really know the word ‘tact’ when it comes to not liking someone.

Like I said, this is all pretty premature, as I am in no way ready for any dating. Still. I worry. Because THAT? That I am good at.

Also, there is this:

I had such an amazing music night last night. So awesome, that I couldn’t sleep all night and YET, I am still giddy today.

I went to see The Local Strangers at Tractor Tavern last night. Of course, I had previously seen them at their CD release party, but somehow, this show was EVEN BETTER than that first time. Man, oh man, Aubrey’s voice is just so rich. I can feel her reverberating in my heart when she sings. And all it takes is one look at the pure JOY on Matt’s face when he sings to feel that joy leap into you. I don’t think every artist is as happy to be there are you are, but The Local Strangers are. They played 2 new songs and I am just dying for a full length album. I am just a lifelong, die-hard fan now. It doesn’t hurt that they are as nice as can be.

I happily and surprisingly got there in time to check out the openers Gold Mountain.  Duuuudddeeee. WATCH OUT FOR THESE GUYS. What an amazing set!! Every song was so different and unique. I could not even tear myself away to go to the bathroom during their set. Heidi and I were dancing around and hugging. And, of course, (my favorite) the lyrics were poignant and fun.  My only disappointment was they had no music to sell me! No CDs or downloads. Give them a listen when you get a chance. So, so good.

Also . . . oh, you know, I got to meet and chat with Jon from The Head and The Heart!!!!!!!!!!!!! My un-wavering obsession with this band is well documented (mostly on twitter and facebook) and I contend that once you see them live you will be a fan for life (and P.S., they are about to hit the road for their first headlining tour-GO SEE THEM! Get your tixs before they sell out!). Jon walked in to Tractor Tavern just before me and I, of course, immediately  recognized him. I wanted to tackle him right then, but I did my best to restrain myself. I am overtly aware that famous people would probably just like to be able to do normal shit without crazies like me bothering them. Also, I saw no one else rushing up to him gushing, so I didn’t want to be the only idiot in the place who couldn’t keep her shit together. However, after I was so happy from listening to Gold Mountain and The Local Strangers, I could restrain myself no more. I just tapped him on the arm and word vomited all over him. Of course, he was just the sweetest and nicest and we chatted for almost 10 minutes. As we were leaving right afterward, my friend Aggie said I looked so crazily high. Which….I was.

And beyond all the musical awesomeness happening around me, I got to hang with my new friend Aggie, hang with my bestie Heidi, see my concert buddy Kristen, meet tons of new people (my people), get invited to an awesome party and just genuinely feel like my life is beyond amazing.

Heidi, Kristen, Jeni and Aggie

It’s a great feeling.

Joe was so good to me this last week. He spent hours getting caught up on the series so he wouldn’t be completely lost. And he did it just so I wouldn’t be sad. Those brothers…they are definitely good for something.

On Sunday . . . Well, on Sunday, Michael texted me. He wanted to know if I had seen the movie and if not, maybe it could be seen by two people who really cared about it and were excited to see it.

Immediately I wanted to say “Yes! Yes! YES! I want to see it with you. I want to know you are hold your breath when I am. I want to see you brace yourself the way I do when I know something sad is coming. I want to see you cheer at the end, as if this was your personal battle. The way that I did. The way that we would…”

But my brain overrode my heart. My brain said “This is how it starts. Just one little movie, what is the harm? This is what he did for 2 years to bring you back when you wanted out, all the while telling you he didn’t love you. And you think, maybe, maybe if you go, he’ll remember how much fun you always had. Maybe he’ll see your hair and remember how he loved to run his fingers through it. Maybe he’ll realize this was all a huge mistake and he’ll never find anyone that knows him like you do. That loves him like you do. But if you think that Jeni, you are wrong. He said it himself, he doesn’t love you. At some point, you have to believe him.”

So, in probably the most grown-up decision I have ever made in my whole life, I told him no.

I told him no and then I cried myself to sleep.

Kris Orlowski always knows what to say . . .

These are my people.

I love that feeling. I love over hearing a conversation, jumping in and it not being weird because these strangers are my people. I love standing there in a group of strangers, listening to amazing live music and palpably feeling that they feel what I feel in that moment because they are my people. Love, love, love.

Last night, Heidi and I went to watch the X Factor auditions in Key Arena.

Um . . . none of my people were there.

Though, to be fair, there were, like, 2,500 people there. They can’t ALL be my people.

To be honest, I have never once watched even 1 minute of American Idol. Heidi mentioned some sort of show called America’s Got Talent (never heard of it) and even though my Twitter stream is filled with lovers of The Voice, I am so not interested. It’s just not my thing.

So, yes, it’s weird that I even went to this. However, a few things conspired to get me there:

1) Heidi and I try to force ourselves out of the house every chance we get or (please know I am not being a Marce when I say this) I would become a recluse. Seriously. I would LOVE to become a recluse.
2) Free tickets
3) Paula Abdul
4) Trying something new and different. If you are only ever around your people, your view of the world becomes pretty narrow.

And thus, we made a trip to the big city to watch the auditions.

So . . . it wasn’t bad. I’m glad I went. There are some talented folks out there. And actually, the bravery of people going out there onstage is awe-inspiring. I could never do that. Ever. And we got to see Paula Abdul be Paula Abdul, so that was fun. And I really liked LA Reid by the end of the never ending, no food, drinks or bathrooms night.

However, there was something . . . unsettling, at best. As I said, I’ve never watched American Idol, but I do love all things pop culture, so I DO know what the show is about and kinda how it works. I know people love the audition portion of the show because there is always some person who can’t sing at all trying out and it’s hilarious, or whatever. I don’t know. I’ve never watched it, I can’t really say how it goes, but I have heard of William Hung (who laughed all the way to the bank) and that’s kinda what it seemed like.

I get it. It’s reality TV and all that implies. Sure. I know what’s going on. But to have to sit there and watch people, people I am 100% certain they brought in just to make fun of (because I know there was some pre-auditions), give their all, just to be snickered at by 2,500 people and then turned away? Brutal. Honestly, I left there feeling kind of sick (and not just from starvation). I feel like they did this for at least 3 of the auditions I saw.

It made me really kind of sad. That America’s idea of entertainment is, basically, making fun of people. I know that that isn’t 100% what those shows are about. It may not even be 5% of what those shows are about, but it DOES happen on those shows and I am now certain it happens on purpose. For entertainment.

I’m not trying to get all preachy. I can have a good laugh at the ridiculous just as much as the next gal, but to see those people, in person, so earnest and sincere doing something I could never imagine having the balls to do, just to be laughed at . . . brutal.

Time to spend the weekend with my people.

And yet . . . and yet I LOVE music. It gets inside of me. I feel it in my bones. It wriggles my toes and caresses my soul. Listening to live music is a religion for me. Watching the artist give their all on stage, feeling the energy as a group of people fall in love, have their hearts broken and move their feet with happiness-I have found nothing in the world like it. And I have done a lot of drugs and had a lot of sex in my day. Nothing compares.

Last night, I got to see Kris Orlowski (seriously, have you bought his music yet? Run, don’t walk) play at Tree House Point. First, let me say, that Tree House Point is AWESOME. We got to scope out one of the Tree Houses and it was so fun. I was a tad scared, since I am scared of heights, but I did have fun climbing the ladder. Everything about the site was delightful-if you ever get a chance to stay there or see a show, you really should. Kris’ show was so intimate and small. I love that.

And Kris himself-what can I say? I danced, I cried, I smiled, I laughed-I had a great, great night. His bassist, Scott, reminded me of Mr. Darcy, his drummer, Tim, was damn cute and Andrew Joslyn on violin-well, Heidi and I were mesmerized by him. All together, they put on a show to rival any other concert I might consider my all-time favorite show.

I was literally high when I got home last night-high on music and good people. But, as I lay restless in bed, I started to feel sad. I felt sad because I want more. I want more music, more often. I want to live in it. I want to go to a show every night of the week. I want to sit in someones living room and watch them create magic. I want to go on a tour with a band I love. I want  . . .  something different. But I have no clue what that means. Maybe I mentioned I have no musical talent . . .

I don’t necessarily hate my job-I am really good at my job. But the only music at my job is coming from my iPod. And I want more.

I just am not sure what that means. I am not sure what it can mean.

On Friday, Heidi and I went to the CD release party of The Local Strangers. Can I just say how lucky I feel to live in a city with such AMAZING local artists. If I had the time and the money, I could spend every night of the week just listening to the talent in this city. The Local Strangers are no exception. I LOVE what they have to offer (so far) and you will too. Aubrey’s voice is lush and Matt’s enthusiasm while performing can’t be beat. And, of course, watching them live was just a delight.

This is my favorite song from their EP:

Seattle Acoustic Sessions – The Local Strangers – For Fear of Losing from Jason Green on Vimeo.

 So. good.

So, besides the good tunes with a good friend, I also got to meet up with my former co-worker Quinton, who is also an up-and-coming local musician. I have not had the pleasure to make it to one of his shows yet, but from what I can see so far, I like it.

AND Heidi and I met a [potential] new friend! We chatted with her while waiting for the show to start-she is new to the area and lives and works right by us. We are going to meet up with her this week for lunch. I LOVE that!!

Of course, the fabulous night would not have been complete with a celebrity sighting-Kris Orlowskiwas at the show. I stopped him to chat. And by chat, I mean gush over him like a crazy, psycho fan. I am pretty sure he went straight from the show to the court house for a restraining order, but that’s OK, because I can always stand 20 feet from the stage. OK, maybe that’s all a Marce. Kris was really nice and even offered to send me his lyrics. Heidi and I are going to see him Thursday. Yay!

We actually stayed out until midnight, when our old age prompty caught up with us. The next morning, we went to breakfast at our favorite place, drove all over the Seattle, went back to Heidi’s house to watch chick flicks and eat the most random assortment of snacks ever created (see below).

All in all, not a bad weekend at all.