I am just stubborn. Just like you. Just like our dad. Just like our grandpa. etc. We come from a long line of stubborn people.

I just don’t want to accept a life without you. You are a part of my soul. How can I accept it?

And you. Isn’t it enough? Isn’t you not speaking to me for over a year enough? Isn’t enough that you have forever changed our family and our relationships with our family members? Isn’t enough that you ruined me? Isn’t enough?

Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to come back to the battlefield just to spit on the people you killed? Do you really hate me that much? How can you hate me so much?How can you hate me so much you have to kick my already lifeless body?

I wish I could hate you. I wish I could let you go. I wish a million wishes that will never come true.

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All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She’s got teary eyes
I’ve got reasons why

I’m losing ground and gaining speed
I’ve lost myself or most of me
I’m headed for the final precipice

But you haven’t lost me yet
No, you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I’m so confused
What’s true of false
What’s fact or fiction after all
I feel like I’m an apparition’s pet

But you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet

If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break
If it doesn’t break your heart
It isn’t love
If it doesn’t break your heart
It’s not enough
It’s when you’re breaking down
With your insides coming out
That’s when you find out what your heart is made of

And you haven’t lost me yet
No you haven’t lost me yet
I’ll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven’t lost me yet
Cause you haven’t lost me yet

-Yet, by Switchfoot

If I were a month I’d be September

If I were a day I’d be Sunday

If I were a time of day I’d be 9pm

If I were a font I’d be Enviro

If I were a sea animal I’d be a sea turtle

If I were a direction I’d be Northwest

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a La-Z-boy

If I were a liquid I’d be vodka

If I were a gemstone I’d be a sapphire

If I were a tree I’d be a Weeping Willow

If I were a tool I’d be a screwdriver

If I were a flower I’d be the Flower of Life

If I were an element of weather I’d be storm cloud

If I were a musical instrument I’d be a guitar

If I were a color I’d be indigo

If I were an emotion I’d be stubborn

If I were a fruit I’d be a blueberry

If I were a sound I’d be a sigh

If I were an element I’d be carbon

If I were a car I’d be my neon.

If I were a food I’d be toffee

If I were a place I’d be home

If I were a material I’d be cotton

If I were a taste I’d be Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch

If I were a scent I’d be lavender

If I were a body part I’d be a hand

If I were a song I’d be The Good That Won’t Come Out by Rilo Kiley

If I were a bird I’d be a Gray Catbird (naturally)

If I were a gift I’d be big, expensive and sparkly

If I were a city I’d be San Francisco

If I were a door I’d be open

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Louboutins

If I were a poem I’d be Lost By Jewel

Lost
is a puzzle
of stars
that breathes
like water
and chews
like stone

Alone
is a reminder
of how far
acceptance
is from
understanding

Fear
is a bird
that believes itself
into extinction

Desperation
the honest recognition
of a false truth

Hope
seeing who you really are
at your highest
is who you will become

Grace
the refinement of a
Soul through time

You may be asking yourself “when did Jeni go back to school?”. Jeni didn’t. Jeni’s brother/son is in college, therefore, his work is her work. To be honest, we did have fun, even though I have never worked that hard on my OWN school stuff. Of course, the fact that we are siblings worked against us. #1) We both overdue any sort of project we work on and #2) we’re both perfectionist. This may have had something to do with the fact that the project was NEVER ENDING. However, the fact that some of the kids in Ed’s class said “Thanks for making us look bad” makes it all worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I am loving work. It’s almost like I never left. I love re-connecting with our clients, I love Tom and I love Jason (the third part of our team). I love seeing Tim everyday and having lunch with Heidi. I love the 5 million places to eat within a 2 block radius. I love Starbucks in my building. I love not driving everyday.

There are a few things I do not love, but they seem to be temporary. I can wait it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven’t worked for a corporation for over 6 years. There are a lot of rules. There are also a lot of blocked websites. Now, I haven’t had a ton of down time, but, today, for example, when I ate lunch at my desk, there wasn’t much to look at. Why’s it gotta be so hard to catch-up on my facebook and blogs? I’m entitled to a break, damn it. I guess I’m taking up smoking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I fell down some stairs on Saturday. I totally hurt my leg. It’s not swollen or bruised and I can walk. However, there is a throbbing pain. I didn’t go the ER because I wasn’t sure my benefits had kicked in yet (and it was before the congress vote and it didn’t $2,000 hurt. I will hobble for a few more days before I consider going in, although, I have no clue what could be wrong. It sucks being klutz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend, my friend Lindsay is visiting from NM. Woot!

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Next month I am going to Charlotte Gainsbourg and I am ECSTATIC. In addition, May brings Chris Pureka and James Taylor/Carole King. Scissor Sisters have a new album coming out, so I am looking forward to another great year for concerts. Yay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok. I guess that’s it. I miss you guys! I may not be commenting, but I am reading. Damn job.

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself-Switchfoot

It’s been a busy week. Challenging, as well. Last night, I really had to push myself to go to the Post Secret event. I knew I’d be waiting outside for hours, in the cold, alone. Ed decided to go to work, since he couldn’t get me in and my pals decided not to go, since there wasn’t a strong chance of us getting in-which I completely understood. However, it turned out to leave me feeling very lonely and vulnerable. It wasn’t that situation alone-this week, I’ve been doing things that I would have LOVED to do with Joe. Things I would give anything to share with Joe. We used to call each other on Sunday morning and go through the secrets together. One of the many things I’ve lost.

Don’t get me wrong, though-the event was good, if only because Frank Warren is such an amazing soul. Honestly, it felt like the students were there just to be there. Though respectful, they just didn’t seem to be getting much out of it-texting and whispering and giggling to each other. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I am just being too judgemental. Maybe E) all of the above. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I got to listen to Frank and see how he has taken his life and transformed so many others. I am grateful for his view on the world. It’s a very powerful one.

On Tuesday, Ed and I went to the Switchfoot concert. Joe and I discovered Switchfoot in 2000, I think. We loved, loved, loved them. It surprises people (it sometimes surprises me) because of how God-centric their music is. I always felt like they left their message open, for me to decide what I wanted to hear. I appreciate that.

I saw Switchfoot when I first moved to Seattle. Literally, like, a month after I got here. It was incredible. They were my favorite band at the time and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was right around that time, however, that they went one way with their music and I went the other in the kind of music I liked. They have come quite a few times in the last 6 years, but I always have chosen not to go, because I knew it would focus mostly on new stuff. I am not sure why I decided to go this time. It seemed pretty important to me, though.

I picked up Ed early and we were going to go get coffee at Stumptown. However, after not finding parking at either location (and I wasn’t willing to pay for parking twice), we decided to just head down to the Market, park and walk around. We noticed a Starbucks about a half a block north of the Showbox, but wanted to see if there was anything else before settling. Eventually, we decided there wasn’t much doin’ at the market on a Tuesday night (especially if one of you isn’t legal) and headed back to the Starbucks. We had just sat down with our coffees, when I saw the door open.

“Ohmygodedohmygod”

“What?”

“Jon Foreman just walked in” [aka, lead singer of Switchfoot]

“Oh. My. God”

While Jon Foreman ordered coffee, Ed and I debated what we should do-talk? Ask for an autograph? A picture? I always imagine this situation would be weird (and look! I was right!), because I am not all about accosting famous people and bothering them when all they want is a fucking cup of coffee before a show. However, I decided I just admired him too damn much to not say hi.

So, I did. I walked up, introduced myself, shook his hand, told him I loved him (I maybe quoted him from a rare DVD-not only because I love the quote, but also because it proved what a huge fan I really am) and then I asked if he would sign my ticket for the show. And he did. And he was so nice and gracious and exactly the person I thought he was. Which is always nice.

On a side/hilarious note-the barista, after she saw my interaction with Mr. Foreman, had the gall to ask him who he was and then say “Oh! I love your band! I wanted to go tonight, but I had to work!”. Really? You love the band, yet have no idea what the lead singer looks like? Really?

They put on a great show-again, I hardly knew the songs, since it was all new stuff, but it made me listen to some of the new stuff and I really enjoyed it. So, there’s that.

Of course, even though I yelled it from the rooftops on Twitter and Facebook, there was really only one person I wanted to tell. I am still trying to get used to not being able to.

It all goes to show you, if you leave the house every once in awhile, you will meet famous people. At least that’s the lesson I am clinging to.

That being said, I think, psychology, we all begin to take stock in Dec/Jan and think about our lives and what we can change or make better. I know I have been doing that for the last month. I don’t have a lot of answers, but I feel good about the reflection I have done. In this reflection, I have been adamant with myself to not make a “resolution” because, in my mind, that word equals failure.

However, there have been signs. Strong, screaming signs pointing me in a direction. Honestly, if I looked at the list of things I need to change about myself, this would fall to the bottom and yet, in the last few weeks, everything has been telling me that THIS is the thing I need to focus on right now and I feel like I need to give it a try.

You know what I love? I love being at home. I love The Grays curled up next me, covered in a blanket, reading a book, reading a blog, watching a movie-home, home, home, home. Love it. What do I hate? I hate leaving my house, wearing shoes and a bra, going out in the rain, going out in the cold, driving more than a mile, driving on the freeway, driving in rush hour. Hate. Do you see where this is going? Yeah, I am basically a hermit. I often say no to things because the thought of doing any of those things I hate just overwhelms me. The funny thing is, 99.9% of the time, I am SO happy I got my lazy ass out of the house to do whatever. I always think “Gah! You’re so lazy. That was awesome! You are such a lazy whiner”. Seriously. I often say it aloud.

I find myself in a place where, this month, I am VERY busy. I have all sorts of things planned. And I love it. Screw sleep. I’ll wear the damn bra. I’ll start saying “yes”.

That’s right, 2010 will be my year of “yes”, if it KILLS me (it might, you know). I need to stop turning down things just so I can stay home, in my comfort zone. I need to say “yes”, I need to step outside my comfort zone and I need to start living my life more fully. I am only 28. Why have I been acting like I’m dead (or close to it)? I don’t have an answer, but I know I need to focus on saying “yes”.

This week: I am hanging out with Heidi before she leaves for training, going to the Switchfoot concert with Ed, attending the Post Secret Event (hopefully) with LSL, Sizzle and Aimee (yes!!), going to get my Tarot Cards read on Saturday, followed by The Lovely Bones and, at some point, Michael’s sister Sheila and her 2 boys are going to come and hang out. Normally, I would be dreading a week this packed, but right now, I am loving it!

*LSL sent me a mix CD with this song on it, and it was one of the signs I mentioned earlier. Love!
“Just say yes / Just say there’s nothing holding you back / It’s not a test / Nor a trick of the mind, only love” -Snow Patrol

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Actually, like only person cared about pics, but since I love her, here you go.

FYI: the concert pics look really awesome if they’re bigger, so you might want to click through.

Also, I have no idea why we took NO pictures of Heidi in our wigs and Drag Queen make-up. We just have the aftermath. No Clue.

But. . . it was kind of nice. You were outside. You were with friends. You ate at amazing restaurants. You dressed up in bad wigs and Drag Queen make-up. You walked around the most fun place in San Francisco (The Castro) and realized that you are very blessed.

So, you come home and the thought of blogging again seems daunting. Despite your record breaking twittering during your vacation, you barely have anything tweet worthy to say now. And it’s still kind of nice.

I could go on and on and tell stories from San Francisco. The thing is, I can’t do it justice. I can’t recreate our time here. I am not that good a writer. We had an amazing time. I enjoyed my friends and boyfriend throughly. I felt so lucky that I live a life in which I can pick up for 3 days in the middle of the week to fly to San Francisco to attend the Kylie Minogue concert (which was EPIC). I have a very good life.

I didn’t take pictures. I actually suck at taking pictures. It’s just not a skill I possess. Therefore, I usually let Heidi take pics and then I steal them to share with the world. Tim took pics too. As soon as I collect them, I’ll post them, because pictures say it better than I could.

What a wonderful life.

The Castro, in front of Harvey Milk's shop (see my paparazzi in the window)

Walking in the streets of sunny San Francisco without a single care
I’d like to fly there in a jet
But if I have to walk I’ll get there yet -Sanford Clark

We leave for San Francisco tomorrow morning! We got a great deal on plane tickets, a super cute hotel, a cool rental car and, oh yeah, TICKETS TO KYLIE MINOGUE’S FIRT EVER US TOUR-OPENING NIGHT!

I LOVE San Francisco. I’ve been dying to go back since Mam and I tore up the town. We’re going to have an awesome time.

Look for pics and, as Tim puts it, awkward flip videos when we get back!

I LOVE concerts. I love them. I go to between 10 and 15 concerts a year. For me, nothing is better than live music. Most of the music I listen to is just that much better live.

I generally force Heidi to go to concerts with me. Not to say she doesn’t like the artist or doesn’t want to go, it’s just that I buy tickets and tell her when to show up. Heidi always has fun. But, the thing is, Heidi actually likes mainstream music. I know, don’t judge her too harshly. Actually, don’t judge me too harshly. I’m just mean and like what I like and I firmly believe that 99% of mainstream music is audio rape.

So, since Heidi always (happily) goes to my shows with me, I decided to throw her a bone. I bought her tickets to Colbie Caillat. Now, don’t get me wrong. Colbie Caillat is a perfectly nice girl with a beautiful voice. She just doesn’t do it for me. Her music doesn’t speak to me. That’s OK. Everyone likes different music.

Last night was the Colbie Caillat concert and it just reminded me of everything that’s wrong with concert goers these days.

Riddle me this: Why do people pay good money to see a performer, then LEAVE 40 minutes into their set. Is it suddenly a surprise that you’re not in bed at 10 PM on a Wednesday night? Are you THAT concerned about traffic home? I just can’t wrap my head around it. When I go to a concert, I go to a concert. That means standing and singing and dancing and clapping and screaming for an encore and watching the fucking encore. I don’t leave early to skip waiting 30 minutes to get out of a parking lot. That’s part of the experience.Heidi and I showed up about 15 minutes before Colbie Caillat went on and we were pretty far back. By the encore, we were almost to the front.

Don’t even get me started on the people who just stand there looking bored out of their mind. Why are they at the concert? These are the same people that cover their ears and roll their eyes when people cheer at the end of a song. They never sing, but they take a bunch of pictures. Lookie here, if the concert is really that annoying to you, go look up pictures of the artist on Google. I am sure the quality will be 10 times better than your camera phone. And you won’t have to put up with all these people who are enjoying themselves.

Of course, as I looked around at Colbie Caillat’s fans (mostly soccer moms, tweens and couples in their 50s), I had to wonder: When will I be too old for concerts? When will I want to leave early cause it’s 10 PM on a Wednesday night. WHEN SHOULD I JUST KILL MYSELF?!!?

Hopefully not any time soon.

I have a few more concerts to go to this year.