Not to say I haven’t had any fun. Last Saturday, I got to spend the evening with some of the most intelligent, funny and beautiful women I know. Terrell hosted us at a little girl blogger get together. I got to meet the famous Kerri, Seattle’s latest awesome chic, Supple AND my name twin, Jen! Of course, Sizzle was there and she did not fail in making me die of laughter. I can sum it up in one word: merkin. Beat that.

Yesterday, it was fabulously sunny out, so Michael and I grabbed a blanket and some sunscreen and headed to the park. We spent 5 hours soaking up some vitamin D. It was lazy, luxurious and delightful.

Today, we are heading over to Ed’s to set-up his new desk. I know, we ARE the most exciting people ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work has been interesting, to say the least.

Many days, the people and the noise overwhelms me.

I am having a hard time adjusting to corporate way of doing things (aka an excessive number of meetings).

I am enjoying making new friends, but it’s coupled with having to work with people I can’t stand.

I am already getting gifts from clients and it feels great to be appreciated.

I have never had to really deal with office politics before and it’s exhausting.

I love working with one of my best friends, but I worry this is going to affect our relationship.

I like the work I get to do, but feel like I spend too much time doing it. I need a break sometimes.

So . . . a lot of conflicted feelings. Still, I am much better off than I was 5 months ago, so that counts for something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In just 16 days it will be 1 whole year since my brother has spoken to me. I could not even write that sentence without tears spilling down my cheeks. There are so many things I want to say, but I think that may be a whole other blog post. 1 whole year. I thought it was supposed to get easier?

Since we had an unfinished dresser, I thought it would be fun to take the idea and run with it. When I mentioned it to Michael, he decided we should just re-do the whole thing. When we remodeled, we never really got a chance to do the bedroom. We had 2 days to move the stuff from my apartment to the condo before we left for Hawaii. On top of that, we then had to live in the bedroom for almost 6 months. I painted the walls before we moved in and we put in new carpet, but I never finished the walls because we put in the pocket door and the carpet got destroyed by cats and electricians.

We decided to repaint the whole room and get new carpet. First, we did the dressers and they turned out awesome.

Then, we had to wait for the carpet to get here. We also had to order new comforter and curtains. [Please note: I wanted to make the bed for these pictures, but Jake refused to move]

All in all, I am loving the new bedroom. It feels so tranquil in our room now. I love walking in there. We are hoping to re-do the bathroom next (Michael has finally agreed to get rid of those blue walls!).

Changes are afoot in casa de Gray Cat. Our bedroom is almost finished, we are working on re-doing the bathroom, I changed my hair to a dark red color and, oh yeah, I have a new job.

That’s right, a new job. Actually, it’s an old job. After 1 year, 4 months and 8 days, I am back with Tom. It’s all a little crazy.

So, Tom and I didn’t exactly leave things between us very good when he moved to P1 and I moved on. However, Tom and I were too close to continue not talking. Since I left, we’ve hung out at least once a quarter, enjoying our friendship. We had dinner and caught up in December, just after my dad left. As I have spoken about here, I have been dissatisfied with my job for some time. Tom has not been too pleased with the help he’s had since I left. He informed me of a few major changes in his office, one of them being that he is a manager. Two of the biggest reasons I refused to work in his office are now no longer factors. I let Tom know that if the right situation presented itself, I’d be willing to come back. I surprised even myself.

Both Tom and I thought the “right situation” may or may not ever come, yet just 3 weeks later, there it was. I will admit, though, I wasn’t completely sold on the idea. I’ve never felt that this job and this industry is where I am meant to be. Going back to Tom’s practice was making a commitment to him and his client that I was in it for the long haul. I don’t take that lightly. I didn’t want to go back just to leave again in a year. As I have documented well, I just don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

This job isn’t exactly an ideal job (somehow I imagine myself more bohemian and less corporate), but I am good at this job. Tom and I work well together. I have been back a week and it’s like I never left. It fits well and it feels good.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow-up, but I don’t feel like I am wasting my time while I figure it out. I feel great about this choice. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days. But everyone has days at work. Even if you love your job. It’s life.

My life is moving in the right direction. I feel happy for the first time in years. Michael has a new job and he loves it. Things are going well. While there are still many things missing, it feels great to be a few steps closer.

I had a wonderful time in New Mexico. I met my mom’s boyfriend and I totally love him. She just shines around him and I’ve never seen her so happy. I love it.

I took my nephews to the most horrible circus of all time. Seriously. You could tell the animals were mistreated, one of the performers had no panties on, there were pole dancers and about 4 near-death experiences. We left at intermission. I was cool Auntie Jeni because, not only did I know ALL about the DSi, but thanks to my girl Sizzle, I had my very OWN DSi. I have never been more awesome.

One of my best moments is when Mammer said “Auntie Jeni, you and me, we’re just, like the same people, right?” and the worst was when I had to say goodbye and watch the tears rolling down Matthew’s face.

I saw Joe. He didn’t see me. As fate would have it, our gate were right next to each other. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at his face, but I knew I would never recover if I walked up to him, he looked me in the eyes and walked away. I would never get over it, so I didn’t take the chance. I felt it was the right thing to do.

Since I’ve been back, Michael’s been gone . . . he got a job! And it’s totally the perfect job for him. I can’t really write too much about it at this time, unless I did a password, but if you are DYING to know what it is, you can always email me. So, he’s in DC (birth place of Jeni) and will be back tomorrow.

I’ve been plugging along as best I can. I will, hopefully, have some exciting news to share next week.

Oh! And we re-did our room. We didn’t spend too much time on it when we first remodeled, mostly because we just didn’t have the time. The new carpet we installed when we first moved in was completely destroyed during the remodel and the room was only half-painted because we tore out a wall for the pocket door. In any case, we weren’t loving it. I saw an idea in this month’s In Style and it totally spiraled. I will do a whole post on it once the new carpet is installed. I think you’ll love it. It’s so serene now.

And there ya go. Boring and mundane, but it’s a jumping off point.

I am looking forward to it. I will admit, though, to feeling queasy at the thought of Joe and I in the same city, breathing the same air. So close and yet, so far. He won’t be there the whole time I’m there-he’s heading to Salt Lake for the weekend. There will be moments, though. Moments we’ll be so close together after all this time. Moments wasted. I know at this point I need to wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait for him to decide.

I’ve never been good at waiting for something I want.

I’m excited, though. I get to meet my mom’s boyfriend for the first time. I will see some dear, old friends. I will eat like it’s my last meal(s). And I will get to soak up my sister and nephews. No plans beyond laughing. There will be a lot of laughing.

It’s just what I need.

Today, my sister said to me “I’m afraid that there may come a time when I’m asked what my passion is and I won’t have an answer anymore”.

I don’t have an answer anymore. If we don’t consistently work on our passions, do they go away? If I would have stayed in Connecticut, teaching children’s theatre, would I still be passionate about that? I’m not passionate about it now. I don’t feel some pull bringing me back or any sort of regret. But I don’t know what my passion is. I’m not passionate about my job. If anything, I am angry about my job. I don’t feel like I know how to explore what my passion might be.

This is such a common life topic. Besides me and my sister, I know a few of my blogger buddies are contemplating the same thing in various forms. For so many people, our jobs are a means to an end-houses, kids, vacations, etc. We work, often at jobs we hate, so we can do what we love in our spare time and/or have those dreams (that yard with a white picket fence). The problem is, we’re too tired in our spare time to focus on things we love to do or enjoying that house. We don’t have time to take our vacations. I don’t have time to figure out my passion.

I would gladly trade the money I make to be happy and in-love with what I do. There are 2 catches-1) I have no idea what that may be and 2)I’ve made my choices. We have a place we love, that we can’t afford without my salary. [Before Michael lost his job] we go out to dinner whenever we want, we see every movie that looks good, I buy as much new music as I want, new clothes, new shoes, gifts for my friends-it’s a good life. We save a lot and we pay down our debt (granted, much of it’s from Michael’s choices, not mine, but I have certainly helped accumulate that debt). But, in order to have that life, I have to spend 40+ hours a week choking on my misery.

Harry Potter: “They’re going to kill him?”
Hermione: “No. It’s worse. Much worse. They’re going to suck out his soul.”

I would gladly give up much of those things I mentioned, if I could. But I can’t get out of a mortgage. We would be screwed. I can’t make the debt go away. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no options and everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out. And much like my sister’s fear, I don’t know what my passions are anymore. I feel like if I at least had any inkling, I would have something tangible to work with.

I don’t know how to find my passion. I am just hoping I do before there is no soul left.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself-Switchfoot

It’s been a busy week. Challenging, as well. Last night, I really had to push myself to go to the Post Secret event. I knew I’d be waiting outside for hours, in the cold, alone. Ed decided to go to work, since he couldn’t get me in and my pals decided not to go, since there wasn’t a strong chance of us getting in-which I completely understood. However, it turned out to leave me feeling very lonely and vulnerable. It wasn’t that situation alone-this week, I’ve been doing things that I would have LOVED to do with Joe. Things I would give anything to share with Joe. We used to call each other on Sunday morning and go through the secrets together. One of the many things I’ve lost.

Don’t get me wrong, though-the event was good, if only because Frank Warren is such an amazing soul. Honestly, it felt like the students were there just to be there. Though respectful, they just didn’t seem to be getting much out of it-texting and whispering and giggling to each other. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I am just being too judgemental. Maybe E) all of the above. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I got to listen to Frank and see how he has taken his life and transformed so many others. I am grateful for his view on the world. It’s a very powerful one.

On Tuesday, Ed and I went to the Switchfoot concert. Joe and I discovered Switchfoot in 2000, I think. We loved, loved, loved them. It surprises people (it sometimes surprises me) because of how God-centric their music is. I always felt like they left their message open, for me to decide what I wanted to hear. I appreciate that.

I saw Switchfoot when I first moved to Seattle. Literally, like, a month after I got here. It was incredible. They were my favorite band at the time and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was right around that time, however, that they went one way with their music and I went the other in the kind of music I liked. They have come quite a few times in the last 6 years, but I always have chosen not to go, because I knew it would focus mostly on new stuff. I am not sure why I decided to go this time. It seemed pretty important to me, though.

I picked up Ed early and we were going to go get coffee at Stumptown. However, after not finding parking at either location (and I wasn’t willing to pay for parking twice), we decided to just head down to the Market, park and walk around. We noticed a Starbucks about a half a block north of the Showbox, but wanted to see if there was anything else before settling. Eventually, we decided there wasn’t much doin’ at the market on a Tuesday night (especially if one of you isn’t legal) and headed back to the Starbucks. We had just sat down with our coffees, when I saw the door open.

“Ohmygodedohmygod”

“What?”

“Jon Foreman just walked in” [aka, lead singer of Switchfoot]

“Oh. My. God”

While Jon Foreman ordered coffee, Ed and I debated what we should do-talk? Ask for an autograph? A picture? I always imagine this situation would be weird (and look! I was right!), because I am not all about accosting famous people and bothering them when all they want is a fucking cup of coffee before a show. However, I decided I just admired him too damn much to not say hi.

So, I did. I walked up, introduced myself, shook his hand, told him I loved him (I maybe quoted him from a rare DVD-not only because I love the quote, but also because it proved what a huge fan I really am) and then I asked if he would sign my ticket for the show. And he did. And he was so nice and gracious and exactly the person I thought he was. Which is always nice.

On a side/hilarious note-the barista, after she saw my interaction with Mr. Foreman, had the gall to ask him who he was and then say “Oh! I love your band! I wanted to go tonight, but I had to work!”. Really? You love the band, yet have no idea what the lead singer looks like? Really?

They put on a great show-again, I hardly knew the songs, since it was all new stuff, but it made me listen to some of the new stuff and I really enjoyed it. So, there’s that.

Of course, even though I yelled it from the rooftops on Twitter and Facebook, there was really only one person I wanted to tell. I am still trying to get used to not being able to.

It all goes to show you, if you leave the house every once in awhile, you will meet famous people. At least that’s the lesson I am clinging to.

That being said, I think, psychology, we all begin to take stock in Dec/Jan and think about our lives and what we can change or make better. I know I have been doing that for the last month. I don’t have a lot of answers, but I feel good about the reflection I have done. In this reflection, I have been adamant with myself to not make a “resolution” because, in my mind, that word equals failure.

However, there have been signs. Strong, screaming signs pointing me in a direction. Honestly, if I looked at the list of things I need to change about myself, this would fall to the bottom and yet, in the last few weeks, everything has been telling me that THIS is the thing I need to focus on right now and I feel like I need to give it a try.

You know what I love? I love being at home. I love The Grays curled up next me, covered in a blanket, reading a book, reading a blog, watching a movie-home, home, home, home. Love it. What do I hate? I hate leaving my house, wearing shoes and a bra, going out in the rain, going out in the cold, driving more than a mile, driving on the freeway, driving in rush hour. Hate. Do you see where this is going? Yeah, I am basically a hermit. I often say no to things because the thought of doing any of those things I hate just overwhelms me. The funny thing is, 99.9% of the time, I am SO happy I got my lazy ass out of the house to do whatever. I always think “Gah! You’re so lazy. That was awesome! You are such a lazy whiner”. Seriously. I often say it aloud.

I find myself in a place where, this month, I am VERY busy. I have all sorts of things planned. And I love it. Screw sleep. I’ll wear the damn bra. I’ll start saying “yes”.

That’s right, 2010 will be my year of “yes”, if it KILLS me (it might, you know). I need to stop turning down things just so I can stay home, in my comfort zone. I need to say “yes”, I need to step outside my comfort zone and I need to start living my life more fully. I am only 28. Why have I been acting like I’m dead (or close to it)? I don’t have an answer, but I know I need to focus on saying “yes”.

This week: I am hanging out with Heidi before she leaves for training, going to the Switchfoot concert with Ed, attending the Post Secret Event (hopefully) with LSL, Sizzle and Aimee (yes!!), going to get my Tarot Cards read on Saturday, followed by The Lovely Bones and, at some point, Michael’s sister Sheila and her 2 boys are going to come and hang out. Normally, I would be dreading a week this packed, but right now, I am loving it!

*LSL sent me a mix CD with this song on it, and it was one of the signs I mentioned earlier. Love!
“Just say yes / Just say there’s nothing holding you back / It’s not a test / Nor a trick of the mind, only love” -Snow Patrol

My thoughts drift to my family. Ed. The only one who will wake up in my mom’s house this morning. He will have to be there for all of us, opening stocking presents, delight in our traditional candies, smile happily at all the presents and watch as our mom pretends to like our gift. She never likes our gift, that is a tradition too.

My sister is at home with her family. My nephews up early, like me, excited because Santa came again with more presents than they ever thought possible. They will laugh and scream with delight, tearing off paper, discovering the exact thing they’ve always wanted. My sister will sip her coffee, take pictures and soak up the happiness on her boy’s face. Some of that happiness will transfer to her, but there is still a small hole of loneliness.  A hole that misses Jim, her siblings and her father. She will smile and laugh with the kids, but she will also cry a little inside, for those who can’t be there to watch her amazing children with her.

Joe went to Utah. I can’t pretend to know him anymore. To know why he does what he does. But the part of me that thinks I still know him-the parts of him that no one else ever could-that part, thinks he went to Utah to escape. To escape the Christmas that never should have been. Our family, broken, unable to celebrate the holiday the way we all wished we were. Part of me thinks he went because he knows he did this, he knows I didn’t come home for Christmas as planned because of him. He knows that Ed, my sister and I are alone today because he has torn our family to pieces.

I am here in Seattle. Michael sleeps in the next room. It’s too dark to see what cats are around me, but they are here. Soon my dad will come over and we’ll open gifts, play games, eat food and laugh. It will be nice, but it won’t be the Christmas I have been imagining all year. I guess I should prepare myself that Christmas will never be the same again. If the last six months are any indication, I will never have a traditional Christmas again. I guess it’s time to find new traditions.

Dawn, Joe, Ed and I make each other better people. We are all strong individuals, but we are unstoppable when we are all together.

This Christmas isn’t the end of the world. It’s one Christmas in the dozens we’ll have in a lifetime. Today, it’s hard. Soon, it will be forgotten.

There is always next year.