I don’t miss him in the “oh, I love him so much, I wish we could get back together” way. (For the record, I do love him, but I have no wish for us to get back together)

I miss the way he knew me. The way only someone you are in a relationship with can know you. Someone who sees you day after day. Someone you can’t hide from because you share a 700 square foot condo with them.

People don’t understand. Most people don’t feel about their pets the way I do. Michael, for seven years, saw me with The Gray. He fully understands how huge she was in my life. When I told him, I could hear him crying, but trying to hold it back for me. Despite everything, he always knew how to take care of me. He had infinite patience for me. Had.

I feel lonely in a way that friendships can’t fix. Siblings can’t fix it either. Those relationships aren’t the same; they can’t be the same.

I miss The Gray. I miss Michael. I miss things that can never be mine again and I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I have no idea what to do.

*Title from The Cure for Pain by Jon Foreman

Her favorite place to sit

Did you ever wonder why I named my blog “Gray?”? When I lived with my dad, The Gray would run into a room while making a tinkling little chirp. After awhile, whenever we said “Gray?” someone would imitate that sound. I still do that now (much to my friend’s embarrassment). I am not 100% sure why I settled on that for a blog name. Probably because it always made me smile.

Today I had to put down my best friend of 15+ years. Stormi Witch Renfro is what I named her, but she ended up being known as “The Gray”. She has been with me through all the hardest parts of my life. I got her when I had just started high school, so you know that’s true. Together we moved to Connecticut, then Seattle (by way of Minnesota for her) and 4 different homes once we got there. To be honest, I am happy she won’t have to suffer through another move since she hated moving almost as much as me.

It’s funny how similar to me she is. She is the perfect example of pets looking like their owner or vice versa. We didn’t look the same, per se (I think we had similar eyes), but our personalities were a spot on match. Hard, tough exterior, but a ball of love to the right person.

I loved that cat. Loved, loved loved. I am a crazy cat lady. My world revolves around the cats. The furniture in the house is arranged to the cats. My life and when I am supposed to be home each night is based on them eating. I have not gone on trips with friends because it would be too hard on my cats. And I am fine with that. The may be “bad” and lazy, but they give me so much happiness.

I knew this day was going to come. In fact, I knew yesterday that something wasn’t right and this may be it. And it was peaceful. And I got to hold her. And she actually felt calm (vs. how she normally acts at the vet). And I know deep down I made the right choice.

I always forget that the right choice, so often, doesn’t feel very good.

_________________________________________________________

One time, during the time we were remodeling, my alarm went off, as usual, and, as usual, Gray came and snuggled right into the crook of my arm for morning love. I pet her and kissed her (and almost fell back asleep). When I finally got up and went into the bathroom, I saw that my lips were completely black.I touched them and some of the black came off on my fingertips. I started freaking out. How in the hell were my lips black? I was fucking sleeping. So, I make Michael get up to exam me.

He does and is just as perplexed as I am. He gets a wet cloth and washes it off. He asks how I am feeling. Fine. We are puzzled. Finally, I get in the shower because, what else am I going to do?

As I am getting dressed, Gray comes over and wants to play. I start to wrastle with her and soon realize the palm of my hand is black. I pick her up and Michael and I exam her. Now the black is coming from her. Once again, no idea what is going on or why. I have to get to work, so Michael agrees to bathe her.

Later that evening, I get home, still baffled by the black stuff. Landon comes over for love right away, but Gray is no where to be found. Thinking she is still mad about her morning bath, I look for her in all her warm spots. Not there. As I am wont to do, I begin to panic. I have no idea where she is. I begin to call her, begging her to come out.

Suddenly, I hear some movement. It sounds like metal clanging against itself. I look over just in time to see The Gray crawling out of the wood stove. Apparently, that was her new hangout. Since we were still remodeling, we hadn’t gotten to cleaning out the stove yet. So, all the black was soot.

Yeah. That’s how the Gray cat rolled.

Of course, mommy? Mommy made her take another bath.

_________________________________________________________

I see it in their face when I tell them. They cannot comprehend why there are tears in my eyes.

A different person, a different year, a different life . . . I would feel the same as them. I would have the same confusion as they do. It shouldn’t be that big a deal. But for me, it is. It’s soul crushing.

I was told this week that our lease would not be renewed. Nothing against us, mother-in-law, blah blah blah. The reason why doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I have to move.

I have to really move. I have to leave the little community I’ve called home for 7 years. I have to give up walking to work. No more big freezer (the 24 hour grocery store 50 feet from my door).

When Michael and I broke up, I got “custody” of our community. I left our condo, but I refused to leave the location. When I first moved in, it felt like destiny. I found this place. It was mine. Moving out of our condo was made so much easier because I didn’t have to leave the community. It was infinitely easier on my heart.

It’s too much. The last 9 months are too much. Too much loss. Too much change. Too much pain.

I just want to stand still for a minute.

I want to feel a moment of comfort or safety or security.

I am exhausted. Bone weary. Every time I start to feel OK, something else changes, someone else leaves, everything breaks.

I miss the days when I could say to people “Nothing new. I’m boring. Same ole, same ole”

Every year I think “Finally. Finally there will be a year of calm, a year of happy” and every year (for YEARS now) I’m wrong.

I’m wrong.

I’m tired.

I’m homeless.

I’m back at the beginning. Again.

I have desperately tried to find the words to describe my year. It’s been quite a year. I have been disappointed in myself for being unable to find my words. There is so much to say, so much that has happened. Yet, I have no words.

I finally decided I have to forgive myself and let it go. Because maybe I’m just not that girl anymore. After this year, I’m not a lot of things I thought I was. Writing that last sentence just made me cry. That’s one example of the changes I’ve been through.

Right here. Here is where I always get stuck. I may have realized that it has less to do with words and more to do with what happens when my mind begins to wander over the events of the last 12 months. It’s all so overwhelming. Such a hopeful start I had. I feel sick reading that. I miss her. I miss what I thought 2011 was going to be.

Next Wednesday I have my first therapy of 2012, followed by friend-date night with Kristen. We’re going to work on shaping what we want our 2012 to look like.

Maybe I’ll find some hope again. Maybe this time it won’t be lost.

This is very weird to me, because I always say birthdays don’t really matter to me. I say I don’t want a party or a present or a dinner or some sort of public display. And I don’t. I truly do not want any of that.

However, I am beginning to realize that birthdays do matter to me in some ways. I guess I realized that I feel like my birthday is my only day I am allowed to be selfish. The only day people only want to talk about me and what I am doing. No one tells me their problems-cause it’s my birthday. They don’t want to ruin my day. They all call me and for a few minutes, it’s all about me. And I can pick the music we listen to while playing a game. I can chose what we have for dinner. I don’t have to work. Everything is about me and everyone is delightful.

And that’s all I want from anyone. A call. To tell me I am important. A text. Some sort of “What up! You old! I love you!”. Then, when someone doesn’t give me that, I lose it. After all I try to do for others all the time, I wasn’t important to them, even on MY day. They have failed a test they didn’t know they were taking.

Therein lies my biggest issue in life and how I relate to others. Everyone fails because they never know when something is a test with me. I say birthdays aren’t a big deal, but when you don’t call, I can never trust you again. You’ve let me down, just like everyone else. And now, I must push you away.

It’s impossible to win with me. I make it so damn hard. I set everyone up for failure. I never let anyone in, I never allow anyone to take care of me in any way, yet when something comes up and am bowled over, I don’t understand why no one helps me up. Duh. I’ve trained them that way, then tested them on opposite material.

Everyone fails. Even me.

Birthdays are important to me, I guess. Maybe not in the same way as some people, but they are important. I guess I should start telling people that.

Remember how I said basically said that Michael and Heidi were the only people that could ever make me feel happy on my birthday? Yeah, well, Michael and Heidi are the only people who didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Maybe it was foolishness on my part, but I honestly did expect a text from Michael. It was only 2 days before my birthday that we texted about a hilarious Harry Potter shirt I saw. We’ve been on friendly-ish terms. Surely he would send me a simple text message that read “Happy Birthday”? But he didn’t. And it hurt.

Michael, at least, has an excuse-we broke up. He doesn’t owe me anything, no matter how much it means to me. Heidi, on the other hand, well . . . that hurts worse. She is supposed to be my best friend. We have talked endlessly as to how hard this birthday was going to be for me-without Michael, without her, turning 30. She knew better than anyone how I was feeling, but I got nothing from her. I don’t know why. It wasn’t until the next day, after JOE had to text her asking her why she did that to me, that she called and left me a voicemail. Basically she said that she had tried to call twice, it went straight to voicemail and she thought I would see the missed calls. Really? Who wouldn’t leave a voicemail? And she knew damn well I was flying that day, so of course it went straight to voicemail. And when my phone is off, I most certainly do NOT see missed calls. I have been struggling for days to get past my hurt and anger, but I have not been successful. If anything, it reinforces my idea that when I let people in, all they do is hurt me.

I did, however, do a pretty good job of not allowing the events of my birthday affect the rest of my weekend.

Being in New Mexico was a roller coaster of emotions. I came to a shocking realization: New Mexico is no longer “home”. Sure, the majority of my family lives there and it’s where I grew up, but it isn’t “home” anymore, Seattle is. It was a thrilling and scary thought.

I saw a lot of people-more people than I usually ever see when I slink into town. I had an awesome 11 year High School reunion with the handful of people I went to High School with that I actually care about. It was such a delight to see my OG (original Gay) Frankie. You know you have a great friendship with someone when 11 years pass, but it feels like only a few minutes. We are both older and wiser and infinitely more awesome. We had a great night of bar hopping and drag show watching. AND we saw Amanda Lepore!!! I know, so fucking cool. It was an awesome night:

After staying out until 1 AM and being cockblocked by Jesus Justin Beiber (seriously, I was thisclose to kissing a boy!), I was on the road by 7:30 am heading to Santa Fe for Grandpa Breakfast. Besides the fact that breakfast was delicious and my grandparents were hilarious, sitting at their table a huge bubble of calm enveloped me. There is so much change in my life. Constant change and, as I have mentioned many, many times, changes is ridiculously hard for me. Yet, sitting there, at my grandparents house, everything was the same. Maybe little things had changed here and there, but everything was the same as it has been my whole life and that felt amazing. I can’t even describe how awesome I felt sitting there.

The rest of the weekend was filled with my newphews and my sister and the rest of my family. Hanging out, laughing, playing cards and feeling love. I felt a lot of love. Those nephews of mine, man, they just melt my heart.

And now I am home. Home, home. I have my cats and my music. It isn’t much, but it’s working right now and that’s all I can really ask for.

Those are ABQ's famous hot air balloons

To be completely honest, though, I feel no trepidation about this. Also, to be completely honest, I feel a little robbed by that.

I think it would feel pretty “normal” if I was freaking out over turning 30. I know that normal is one of the most ridiculous words, yet, so many of us have the same idea of what normal means (but I kind of love that no one I know fits into that). I guess maybe if I were scared of turning 30 it would mean I wouldn’t be feeling all the other things I am feeling.

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of birthdays. Never have been. I am uncomfortable with any sort of “celebration” of me. Every once in a blue moon, I feel the need to celebrate and that’s always fun, but generally, I would prefer it to be a day like any other. That’s why, this year, I am grateful that I will be at home alone and then, traveling most of the day.

I am glad to be going home. Not excited, not reluctant, but just glad. I’m glad I won’t be here.

The thing is . . . the things is, that no matter how I celebrated my birthday with other people, the way I celebrated my birthday with Michael was very special. And then, the way I celebrated my birthday with Heidi was special. It’s a hard pill to swallow that I will not see either of them tomorrow. To be perfectly honest, they are the only 2 people I would give anything to see tomorrow. Since that is something I can’t have, being alone will be best for me.

I will have a nice time in New Mexico, though. On Friday, I will meet up with my friend Cara (we’ve been friends for 15 years!) and a few other people I haven’t seen since high school. Saturday is a double whammy of Grandpa breakfast and a good ole’ fashioned Gonzales Family throwdown. Sunday will just be a day to relax with my sister and nephews. Monday I will spend some of the day with my sister in Santa Fe and some of it heading back to Albuquerque, maybe meeting up with another old friend. And that’s it. It’s home again on Tuesday.

Today is the last day of my 20′s. I don’t know how other people celebrate the last day of their 20′s. I imagine they do something much cooler than going to work, packing, then going to bed early. That works for me, though.

That’s all that matters.

( Note: you should buy albums from all these people because they amaze me. )

Tony Kevin Jr. : Let You Down

Bryan John Appleby: Words of the Revelator
(There was no youtube video I could find. Crazy.)

Hot Bodies in Motion: 15-8

The Local Strangers: All Along

Dawn Mitschele: Anchor

Bon Iver: I Can’t Make You Love Me/Nick of Time

And that’s all I have to say about that.

As you can imagine, all the change that 2011 has wrought has not been good for me. And actually, I have done a pretty good job handling it all. Losing the love I thought was “forever” love, losing my home, losing who I thought I was, who I thought I would be. I’ve done OK. It hasn’t been easy and I have definitely had my moments (and I will have more), but I have done better than I ever would have predicted.

I always said that when you break-up with someone (especially a marriage or someone you lived with), the hardest part is losing that friendship. Michael is a person I saw everyday. I told him my stories. He got to hear my daily wins and my daily struggles. We always had plans together, basically every night. I could always count on him to go to any concert with me and he always knew I would take him to the casino and be his designated driver. It hurts to lose that friendship. There are so many things that just he and I shared. There are so many things that happen everyday that I find myself saying “I wish I could tell Michael about that”. But I can’t. I lost my “forever” love and I lost my best friend.

Though, like I said, I have been doing OK with that.

However. Yes, there is a however.

However, this next big change in my life, this next loss . . . I am not sure I can survive it.

As of next Saturday, Heidi is leaving Seattle to move back to Boise. Once again, I am losing my best friend (who knew that could happen twice in 1 year?)

It’s not that I haven’t known this was coming. Heidi and I have talked for well over a year about her moving back there. I have just avoided thinking of what it would mean to me when it actually happened.

Now it’s actually happening.

The thing is . . . I really have no other friends. Sure, I have interested parties. People I see at concerts or an occasional blogger meet-up. My oldest Seattle friend, Tim is here, but we don’t really hang out as much since we started working together again. And yes, my brothers live here and I love it, I really, really do. But it isn’t the same.

I have no one to go get pedicures with.

I have no one that would love to just come over, sit on my couch and watch Sex and The City for hours on end, while my cats snuggle up against them.

I have no one to listen to records with and make jokes with about calling a phone number that is over 30 years old.

I have no one I trust enough to cry in front of.

I have no one who knows me well enough to know that sometimes, I need a little space and it’s OK

I have no one to surprise me at how well she knows me . . .knows things about me I didn’t know about myself

I know, I know. Heidi isn’t dying, she’s moving. But I’ve moved. It’s different. It changes everything. When I am having a bad day, I can’t just take a break and see her in 5 minutes. The distance changes things. Sometimes, it makes things stronger. Dawn and I got so much closer after I moved away from New Mexico. I am just afraid, that, at this point in our lives, it’s not going to work that way.

She and I have been through so much. We sometimes feel like 2 friends that have been through a war together. Only her and I know what it was really like. It’s impossible to find another friend like her. It’s impossible to find anything close.

And I don’t have to replicate the friendship, but it would be nice to have some facsimile of it. It’s so exhausting being so lonely. Part of the reason I have been able to deal with the changes this year is because I had Heidi. We are past the point of getting to know each other. We can sit there and just be. We can lay on the couch, not say a word to each other and listen to Kris Orlowski sing “Waiting” over 30 times in a row (seriously, we did that). Starting over feels impossible. Especially at this point, where I feel too guarded. Because I feel I have to be guarded, I have to protect my very vulnerable, overly sensitive heart.

I am just so scared of being alone. And I feel really, really alone right now.

*Duh. Kris Orlowski lyrics. My favorite song.

Joe was so good to me this last week. He spent hours getting caught up on the series so he wouldn’t be completely lost. And he did it just so I wouldn’t be sad. Those brothers…they are definitely good for something.

On Sunday . . . Well, on Sunday, Michael texted me. He wanted to know if I had seen the movie and if not, maybe it could be seen by two people who really cared about it and were excited to see it.

Immediately I wanted to say “Yes! Yes! YES! I want to see it with you. I want to know you are hold your breath when I am. I want to see you brace yourself the way I do when I know something sad is coming. I want to see you cheer at the end, as if this was your personal battle. The way that I did. The way that we would…”

But my brain overrode my heart. My brain said “This is how it starts. Just one little movie, what is the harm? This is what he did for 2 years to bring you back when you wanted out, all the while telling you he didn’t love you. And you think, maybe, maybe if you go, he’ll remember how much fun you always had. Maybe he’ll see your hair and remember how he loved to run his fingers through it. Maybe he’ll realize this was all a huge mistake and he’ll never find anyone that knows him like you do. That loves him like you do. But if you think that Jeni, you are wrong. He said it himself, he doesn’t love you. At some point, you have to believe him.”

So, in probably the most grown-up decision I have ever made in my whole life, I told him no.

I told him no and then I cried myself to sleep.

Kris Orlowski always knows what to say . . .