I talked to him today. I told him about the fact that I have to move. 

Then…then he offered for me to move into our old condo.

Yeah. That happened.

There are a lot of pros. I LOVE that place, obviously. Love, love, love it. It will be easier on the grays. Landon will [hopefully] not go too crazy, since it was his home for 5 years. I can stay in the community I love. I can continue to walk to work. The rent is the same or cheaper than places twice as far away.

Those are some really, really good reasons to move into that place. And all the reasons not to do it are . . . hypothetical? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Basically, all the reasons not to do it are things I can’t know until I actually do it.

Like how it will feel to move all of our stuff back into the exact same spot, like the last year never even happened.

Like how I will feel staring at the book case Michael built for me with his two hands.

Like how can I date someone and bring them back to a place I built with an ex; a place we made with “love” and “forever”.

Like how every day might feel like I am just waiting for Michael to come home.

I don’t know. I may never feel those things. I may feel them constantly and they may never go away. I may feel them for awhile, but then they’ll fade. I have no way of knowing.

I don’t know.

I love Michael, but I will never, ever get back together with him. Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me. It’s not something I ever think about. It’s not something I want. I just don’t want my emotions to trick me into anything different. (Though, it takes two to tango and, clearly, Michael doesn’t want that, so I shouldn’t worry about that too much)

I have to decide by Friday.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get harder…life laughs at me.

The worst part of it is, it’s my family that’s hurting me the most. I always thought I was a good sister. I thought that I showed up for them when they needed me to. I have fought their fights like they were my own. I have cried their tears like they were my heart breaks.

Of course, that’s not to say I haven’t made mistakes. Of course I have. I have made a ton of mistakes. And I have tried so hard to learn from them. I have tired to step back from their lives and let them make their own choices, I have tried to be less controlling and take things less personally. I haven’t always been successful, but I have tried.

Up until the break-up, things had been relatively good for me. The main problem I have had in the last 4 years was Joe not talking to me and both Ed and Dawn put in their time listening to me die over and over again over  it. Other than that, though, my problems have been small ones. Nothing too big. Until the break-up.

And the break-up through me into disarray. I don’t know myself. I don’t know my life. I feel like I have lost 7 years because of my stubborn stupidity and I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t want to get over him. The funny thing is, these last 2 weeks, it’s HIM who has been there for me. He has listened to me. Not that we are getting back together or anything, but he was (maybe is) my best friend and I still find comfort in him.

I feel like none of my siblings have really been there for me. Sure, Joe has physically been here. It’s not the same thing. Every time I turn around one of them is causing me more problems and more heartache. And the worst part is, they don’t seem to care. It’s like I am just supposed to let them hurt me over and over and then instantly forgive them when they say sorry. I don’t know, maybe I am.

Is it so much to ask that they hold me up? That they realize that now it’s ME who needs THEM? That I can barely handle my own life and they are just hurting me more and more. Because right now? Right now it seems like it IS too much to ask. Maybe it always was too much to ask.

From the awesome, Stuff No One Told Me (but I learned anyway)

Every day I think to myself: I just need to stop caring so much about them and their life. That their problems aren’t my problems. But I don’t know how. I just don’t know how.

_____________________________________________________________________

This is my theme song right now.

If you don’t know Kris Orlowski, you should. His music is on constant loop right now, giving me something to cling to.

“I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye.”

I guess there was nothing else to say. He couldn’t take back the truth. His truth.

I always loved him more than he loved me. Always. From the very beginning. It was my love for him that blinded me. Part of me feels like he tricked me; like he sold me some magic beans. But then, I can’t lay all the blame at his feet. I am not perfect. I am not an easy person to love. Clearly. Look at at all the problems with friends and family I have had the last few years. I can’t pretend I didn’t play a part.

But I do love him. I believed him when he said forever. We built a home and a life and I thought it was forever. I wouldn’t have ever left him. Ever. He knows that.

“Just because I’m hurting, doesn’t mean I’m hurt; doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserved. No better and no worse”

What did I expect? He was married. I didn’t “steal” him, but I didn’t help. And I believe the seeds you plant grow into something-good and bad. Did I really think I would come out of it on top, unscathed? Life doesn’t work that way.

There was a moment. His divorce was almost final and his friend wanted to set him up. I had been sleeping with him for almost 2 years at that point, but I was so done. I had been done 6 months before, but my love (stupid, stupid love) kept me there. I told him he could date, but not me. I wasn’t going to wait around while he played house with me and dated other women. We were done. We didn’t call, email, see each other-no communication. I wasn’t happy, but I was glad I put my foot down. I stood up for myself and I had to figure it out.

And then he called me, about a month later. He said he loved me. He told me there was no one else out there like me. He said he wanted to be with me and only me.

I believed him.

3 months later we moved in together.

And I feel like I will never know if he ever really loved me or if he just made an easy choice. I will never understand how he could be so cavalier with my life. Because, for all my faults (and there are many. Oh so many), I could never do that.

I am so scared for me. I can’t imagine ever loving again. I know people say that, but I truly don’t know how I can trust someone. As I already said: every man I have ever loved has left me. That’s not an exaggeration. I wish I could say it was.

How will I ever get over that?

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For awhile, I have wanted to have a  family website. I didn’t want it to be a blog, per se. I wanted everyone in our family to have the ability to contribute. BUT, I knew if that was to be the case, it had to be EASY. Like, not just easy, but easier than sleeping. I mean, I knew if it was too complicated (i.e. having to log-in or send a friend request or anything that required me to literally show them, multiple times, how to do it) no one would do it.

Enter Posterous. This is PERFECT. You never have to log-in. Not even to see what people are posting to your site. All the posts can be emailed to you and you can email all the posts in. If you send in a link to a You Tube video, it will automatically embed it for you. If you send in 10 pics from your vacation, it will create a gallery for you. If you send in an mp3, it will convert and embed for you. All through email. You can even reply and comment through email. EASY. It couldn’t be easier. I KNOW everyone in my family checks their email at least once a day (even my grandma). It seemed perfect.

I told Dawn “This will either be my greatest achievement or an epic fail”

The jury may still be out.

I sent an email to the family (there are a good number of us) and explained the idea and how easy the site was. I got a few favorable responses. Then? Then I got hit over the head with a frying pan.

I named the site GNN. It seemed fitting. We have used that word for years (no, seriously, like probably 6 or 7 years) to describe family news. “What’s the latest GNN?” = “What’s up with everyone? Anything new I should know about”. Hell, GNN is one of my categories on this blog. I generally use it in posts that have news of some sort, especially about family. From my perspective, it’s always been a positive thing.

Apparently, my grandma wouldn’t agree. She has taken it (again, for 6 or 7 years) to mean Grandma News Network and that it’s only gossip. Meaning, we think she is the queen of Gossip. Now, I don’t want to debate the veracity of that statement, but I’m not gonna lie: our family DOES do its fair share of gossiping. Honestly, it’s netiher here nor there. The crux of the problem is that for 6 or 7 years, we’ve been saying something that has hurt my grandma.

Suffice to say, my sister and I were horrified. We, along with my dad, pretty much coined the term and use it liberally. FOR SEVEN YEARS. We’ve been hurting my grandma and building resentment for seven years. I felt like the most horrible person on earth.

BUT I was mad too. Because, apparently, Grandma has told EVERYONE except us (meaning my dad’s branch of the family) that she hates this term. So, for seven year, everyone knows she hates it, yet we use it in conversation-especially when family is together-ALL THE TIME. We have looked like the biggest, most insensitive assholes for years.

I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t say anything to us. At least to my dad, who could have trickled the information down the pipe. OR, for that matter, why didn’t my aunt or uncle or cousin say something? We’ve used that term around them plenty of times when my grandma wasn’t even there. A simple “hey, you should know, Grandma hates when you guys say that” would have been appropriate. No. They couldn’t do that.

Why? Because it was better for them to be the kind, understanding ones whilst we are the mean, assholes. I’m not joking. There has been animosity towards my dad’s branch of the family ever since I knew what the word animosity meant. Why, it was only a few years ago that, while planning for a huge family camping trip for my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, that an ugly letter went around complaining about certain people in the family. The outcome? The trip was canceled by my grandfather. AND THEN, a few weeks later, all the people that were supposed to go on this camping trip, MINUS my dad’s branch, went camping together. One big happy family.

I don’t understand the resentment. I don’t know what we did. All I know is that, as the years go on, my delusion that we are the best family ever invented has slowly faded away. I know who I can trust, I know who really loves me and I know who will stab me in the back for a kind word.

Is it the way it should be? No. But it’s the way it is. All part of growing up, I guess.

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I love the music so much that I will subject myself to bad movies. Case in point: this weekend, I watched In the Land of Women. Why? Because I remembered that “Portions for Foxes” was in the trailer. It, sadly, was not in the movie (or the credits).

I have been so emotional lately. Angry, weepy, silly-you name it, I’ve felt it. Last night was the weepy night. I followed my new routine of taking a shower at night and threw on my “Ultimate Jenny” playlist (all songs Jenny Lewis has ever sang-lead or back-up vocals). The song “The Good That Won’t Come Out” came on and I sang at the top of my lungs.

“Let’s get together and talk about the modern age
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets just talking shit
about how we’re all so upset about the disappearing ground
As we watch it melt

It’s all of the good that won’t come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust
if we keep shaking them, standing here on this frozen lake

I do this thing where I think I’m real sick
but I won’t go to the doctor to find out about it
‘Cause they make you stand real still in a real small place
as they chartup your insides and put them on display
They’d see all of it, all of me, all of it

All of the good that won’t come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind
It’s such a big mistake, lying here in your warm embrace

Oh, you’re almost home
I’ve been waiting for you to come in
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again
I think I’ll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me
Maybe you’re right

Let’s talk about all of our friends who lost the war
and all of the novels that had yet to be written about them

It’s all of the good that won’t come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind
It’s such a big mistake, standing here on this frozen lake
It’s all the good that won’t come out of me
and how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
if I don’t tell you quick
Standing here on this frozen lake”

So many lines pertain to my life. Like, not going to the Doctor. I have GOOD health insurance! Health insurance many Americans would kill to have, yet I am terrified of the Doctor. Terrified. Or the line about choosing sadness. Am I choosing sadness? Isn’t this drama worth being sad over? “All of the good that won’t come out of me” is exactly how I feel. I have good in me, but I always feel like I am this mean, ugly person. I feel like I have potential to be more, but I can’t figure out how to bring it out of myself. I can’t figure out who I am or what I need to do or who I need to become. I can’t figure out happiness.

It’s a scary place to be.

I’m angry at my parents. I am tired of being the parent. I know we are all older and we should be taking care of ourselves. Maybe I’m just stupid to think that you should act like fucking parents and not our friend; and not even the good kind of friend that tells you the hard truth no matter what, but the shitty kind of friend that is so desparate for a friend that they only tell you what you want to hear. Grow up. You’re fucking daughter is telling you to grow up.  And people wonder why I don’t want kids.

I am angry at Joe. He created this. And I am suffereing. Constantly. Every day is a battle with my sanity. This weekend I tried to work on my Ed Graduation video and I couldn’t make it through. Watching the footage of Joe was more than I could bear. It’s not likely that I will ever make that video.

I am angry at Dawn. For nothing. I’m angry she gets to spend a week in MN. I am angry that they planned a trip and waited until after it was planned to see if Joe and I could go, instead of including us in the planning so that we could have maybe picked a time that would have worked. I’m angry that this is what happened instead of us all getting together at Thanksgiving WHICH WAS HER IDEA. Given the current circumstances, however, I guess it’s better this way. I doubt there are any family events in our future.

I’m angry at this job. That I have to be here everyone doing something I HATE. Everyday I hate it more. I spend the entire day clenched in anger. It’s not a surprise that by the time I get home I can barely muster the energy to watch TV.

I am angry at me. Why am I ALWAYS in a “feud” with someone? I’m not stupid, Iam the common demoninator. I have worked so hard recently to clear and fix relationships and to be here again is soul crushing. I don’t like drama in my life, but I always have some. That means it’s me. I do this. I create it. And I have no idea how to fix it, how to fix me. I am so tired of feeling broken.

I’m tired of feeling angry.

Sometimes, though, you have to purge. You have to go through your blogroll and ask yourself “Do I even really read this person anymore?”, look at who you follow on twitter and say “I always skip over what this person says anyway” and go through your [so-called] 400 friends and say “Do I even know this person?!”. I get that. I don’t get sad if my follower list drops from 41 to 39. It doesn’t hurt my feelings if that friend from middle school deletes me as a friend. Honestly, I wouldn’t even notice. There is no reason to get all up in arms about virtual strangers. I know who I am and who my “friends” and “followers” are does not define me.

That was until my brother deleted me as a friend on MySpace, Facebook and stopped following me on Twitter.

There is much I’d like to say on the subject, but this is one topic I think it best I kept my big mouth shut about. The last thing I need to do is drag it out in a public forum-the he said/she said brawl that is happening in my life right now. Even this post may be crossing the line a bit.

I’ve tried to be patient and understanding and strong, but I have to admit, him deleting me made me lose it a bit. I know he’s mad, but it felt like he was erasing me from his life. And in my book, you don’t erase family, no matter what. I feel like he wants to make sure everyone knows that I don’t exist. I know that seems like a paradox, but that’s how I feel. It made me angry, but no matter how angry I am, it doesn’t change anything. I am still erased.

In other news. . . .I have been thinking it’s time for another video blog. I have a few stories that would be HILAR, but I need to figure out if I blogged them before. It’s one thing to make my family listen to me tell the same story over and over, it’s not fair to do that to you other 3. I should have plenty of time to accomplish this this weekend.

I’m boring like that.

This year started slow. After watching the HORRIBLE movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, on Christmas day, I did not go to the theater to see another movie until Observe and Report came out. Yeah, that came out in April. That movie was OK, I’ll definitely watch it again, if only to view more of the Albuquerque setting. After that, the next movie we saw was The Hangover. I may not have mentioned it, but I LOVED that movie. We loved it so much we saw it twice in one weekend.

I am happy that my movies are starting to pick up, now that it’s summer. I can’t wait for Harry Potter, Funny People, 500 Days of Summer, and Paper Heart (to name a few). There may be a few obligational movies thrown in there, but that’s OK, as long as I’m at the movies!

So, yesterday, Heidi and I planned a day at the movies. There were a couple new movies out on the list to see and we decided to spend the day at the theater knocking them out. We planned it perfectly. The Proposal, My Sister’s Keeper, Away We Go and The Hangover. Yes, I know I’ve already seen Away We Go and The Hangover, but if I was going to sneak into movies, I was going to get my fill. We packed ourselves lunches (delicious PB & J sammys) and snacks and headed out. We planned so there would be little to no lag time between each show.

The Proposal was exactlywhat you expect it to be. That doesn’t mean, however, there were no laughs. We were cracking up through most of the movie and even though we weren’t huge fans of how it ended, it was, again, predictable.

Now, I’ve read My Sister’s Keeper. I am big Jodi Picoult fan and a big fan of the book. Going in, I knew I had to brace myself, as I am always disappointed by movies based off of books I love. I had already read that they changed the ending and really, the movie loses a lot by doing so. I think Picoult’s book made a strong statement that is completely lost in the movie. The movie felt very scattered and poorly put together. Cameron Diaz seems desperate for an Oscar and I hate to be the bearer of bad news (aw, who am I kidding, I love it), but this isn’t going to do it. She played the mom as too calculating and never once did I feel like she loved her other daughter. Michael cried like a baby and although I may have gotten a tad choked up, I felt it was just trying way too hard to make me cry.

By the time we headed into Away We Go, Heidi and I were getting paranoid. We’re really good girls, at heart, and we were so worried someone was going to figure out had been there for 4 hours (and counting) and cause a huge scene and be thrown out. I think we both imagined it to go like this (start at the 2:14 mark). We also got paranoid whenever Michael left because if things started to go down, we wanted him there to handle it/get us out of it/take the fall. Yes, these are the paranoid thoughts that ran through our heads.

We made it, though! We made it all the way through The Hangover and then we, literally, high-tailed it out of there. Once we were out of the main doors, we high-fived our success and headed over to RR. All in all, it was an awesome day.

This week is also awesome because a) it’s a short one and b) my boss is in FL, so it’s just me hanging out and cleaning up the office. I love when I can come to work in jeans, work on projects and generally be left alone.

Hey, it’s the little things, right?