Last week, I shut out the entire world and just curled into a ball and tried not to die. This week I was forced to go back to work and interact with other human beings. That hasn’t been easy.

Then, a huge decision presented itself to me, just when I thought I couldn’t handle one. more. thing.

Of course, we always think we can’t handle things, but we handle them just the same. We eat our elephants one bite at a time.

Yesterday I realized how much I have to be grateful for. On Tuesday, I had great conversations with my sister and my dad. I had a good, clarifying call with Michael. On Wednesday, I went to Therapy (even though I really, really didn’t want to), followed by a wonderful conversation with my best friend of 16+ years, Cara. I am so lucky to have so many people to talk to; people who know me and can help make decisions (especially when making a decision is the last thing I want to do).

After therapy and talking to Cara, I decided what to do about my housing situation. In fact, what they said (coupled with conversations with my dad and sister) just made so much sense I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I am going to move back into my old condo.

This isn’t a decision I have taken lightly in any way and I am the type of person that once I decide something, that’s just it. Many people have said to me that I should consider moving and just having a fresh start. And I took that advice to heart. It was something worth considering. Ultimately, what it comes down to is my need to stand still.

With all that has happened in the last year, moving into my condo will be comforting. It will be like going home because it IS going home. Where I live now has never even felt close to home. Moving back into my condo, with things just so will feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I know I won’t live there forever, but I can live there for a time and, I think, heal a little bit. What’s more, it’s a place I have lived with The Gray. I wasn’t looking forward to moving to my first home without her. Now I won’t have to just yet. This is almost the opposite of the change that I dread so much. It’s not change at all.

I have no illusions that it won’t be hard at first. It will be. But I believe I can move on from that.

I am ready to stand still.

I talked to him today. I told him about the fact that I have to move. 

Then…then he offered for me to move into our old condo.

Yeah. That happened.

There are a lot of pros. I LOVE that place, obviously. Love, love, love it. It will be easier on the grays. Landon will [hopefully] not go too crazy, since it was his home for 5 years. I can stay in the community I love. I can continue to walk to work. The rent is the same or cheaper than places twice as far away.

Those are some really, really good reasons to move into that place. And all the reasons not to do it are . . . hypothetical? I don’t know if that’s the right word. Basically, all the reasons not to do it are things I can’t know until I actually do it.

Like how it will feel to move all of our stuff back into the exact same spot, like the last year never even happened.

Like how I will feel staring at the book case Michael built for me with his two hands.

Like how can I date someone and bring them back to a place I built with an ex; a place we made with “love” and “forever”.

Like how every day might feel like I am just waiting for Michael to come home.

I don’t know. I may never feel those things. I may feel them constantly and they may never go away. I may feel them for awhile, but then they’ll fade. I have no way of knowing.

I don’t know.

I love Michael, but I will never, ever get back together with him. Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me. It’s not something I ever think about. It’s not something I want. I just don’t want my emotions to trick me into anything different. (Though, it takes two to tango and, clearly, Michael doesn’t want that, so I shouldn’t worry about that too much)

I have to decide by Friday.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get harder…life laughs at me.

I don’t miss him in the “oh, I love him so much, I wish we could get back together” way. (For the record, I do love him, but I have no wish for us to get back together)

I miss the way he knew me. The way only someone you are in a relationship with can know you. Someone who sees you day after day. Someone you can’t hide from because you share a 700 square foot condo with them.

People don’t understand. Most people don’t feel about their pets the way I do. Michael, for seven years, saw me with The Gray. He fully understands how huge she was in my life. When I told him, I could hear him crying, but trying to hold it back for me. Despite everything, he always knew how to take care of me. He had infinite patience for me. Had.

I feel lonely in a way that friendships can’t fix. Siblings can’t fix it either. Those relationships aren’t the same; they can’t be the same.

I miss The Gray. I miss Michael. I miss things that can never be mine again and I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I have no idea what to do.

*Title from The Cure for Pain by Jon Foreman

Her favorite place to sit

Did you ever wonder why I named my blog “Gray?”? When I lived with my dad, The Gray would run into a room while making a tinkling little chirp. After awhile, whenever we said “Gray?” someone would imitate that sound. I still do that now (much to my friend’s embarrassment). I am not 100% sure why I settled on that for a blog name. Probably because it always made me smile.

Today I had to put down my best friend of 15+ years. Stormi Witch Renfro is what I named her, but she ended up being known as “The Gray”. She has been with me through all the hardest parts of my life. I got her when I had just started high school, so you know that’s true. Together we moved to Connecticut, then Seattle (by way of Minnesota for her) and 4 different homes once we got there. To be honest, I am happy she won’t have to suffer through another move since she hated moving almost as much as me.

It’s funny how similar to me she is. She is the perfect example of pets looking like their owner or vice versa. We didn’t look the same, per se (I think we had similar eyes), but our personalities were a spot on match. Hard, tough exterior, but a ball of love to the right person.

I loved that cat. Loved, loved loved. I am a crazy cat lady. My world revolves around the cats. The furniture in the house is arranged to the cats. My life and when I am supposed to be home each night is based on them eating. I have not gone on trips with friends because it would be too hard on my cats. And I am fine with that. The may be “bad” and lazy, but they give me so much happiness.

I knew this day was going to come. In fact, I knew yesterday that something wasn’t right and this may be it. And it was peaceful. And I got to hold her. And she actually felt calm (vs. how she normally acts at the vet). And I know deep down I made the right choice.

I always forget that the right choice, so often, doesn’t feel very good.

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One time, during the time we were remodeling, my alarm went off, as usual, and, as usual, Gray came and snuggled right into the crook of my arm for morning love. I pet her and kissed her (and almost fell back asleep). When I finally got up and went into the bathroom, I saw that my lips were completely black.I touched them and some of the black came off on my fingertips. I started freaking out. How in the hell were my lips black? I was fucking sleeping. So, I make Michael get up to exam me.

He does and is just as perplexed as I am. He gets a wet cloth and washes it off. He asks how I am feeling. Fine. We are puzzled. Finally, I get in the shower because, what else am I going to do?

As I am getting dressed, Gray comes over and wants to play. I start to wrastle with her and soon realize the palm of my hand is black. I pick her up and Michael and I exam her. Now the black is coming from her. Once again, no idea what is going on or why. I have to get to work, so Michael agrees to bathe her.

Later that evening, I get home, still baffled by the black stuff. Landon comes over for love right away, but Gray is no where to be found. Thinking she is still mad about her morning bath, I look for her in all her warm spots. Not there. As I am wont to do, I begin to panic. I have no idea where she is. I begin to call her, begging her to come out.

Suddenly, I hear some movement. It sounds like metal clanging against itself. I look over just in time to see The Gray crawling out of the wood stove. Apparently, that was her new hangout. Since we were still remodeling, we hadn’t gotten to cleaning out the stove yet. So, all the black was soot.

Yeah. That’s how the Gray cat rolled.

Of course, mommy? Mommy made her take another bath.

_________________________________________________________

I see it in their face when I tell them. They cannot comprehend why there are tears in my eyes.

A different person, a different year, a different life . . . I would feel the same as them. I would have the same confusion as they do. It shouldn’t be that big a deal. But for me, it is. It’s soul crushing.

I was told this week that our lease would not be renewed. Nothing against us, mother-in-law, blah blah blah. The reason why doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I have to move.

I have to really move. I have to leave the little community I’ve called home for 7 years. I have to give up walking to work. No more big freezer (the 24 hour grocery store 50 feet from my door).

When Michael and I broke up, I got “custody” of our community. I left our condo, but I refused to leave the location. When I first moved in, it felt like destiny. I found this place. It was mine. Moving out of our condo was made so much easier because I didn’t have to leave the community. It was infinitely easier on my heart.

It’s too much. The last 9 months are too much. Too much loss. Too much change. Too much pain.

I just want to stand still for a minute.

I want to feel a moment of comfort or safety or security.

I am exhausted. Bone weary. Every time I start to feel OK, something else changes, someone else leaves, everything breaks.

I miss the days when I could say to people “Nothing new. I’m boring. Same ole, same ole”

Every year I think “Finally. Finally there will be a year of calm, a year of happy” and every year (for YEARS now) I’m wrong.

I’m wrong.

I’m tired.

I’m homeless.

I’m back at the beginning. Again.

About half of the movies I did see weren’t even in the theater. It was at home, once they came out on HBO. At least I had a Gray on my lap

To be fair. After perusing the list of movies that came out this year . . . wasn’t so great in my book.

So, my yearly summation of the movies I actually saw that actually came out in 2011 with, of course, my important opinion of each.

Abduction: This is not a “Jeni” movie. However, some amazing musicians I know-Hot Bodies in Motion-had a song on the soundtrack and in the movie and we couldn’t miss a chance to see it played on the big screen. I would say it was worth it. Don’t see this movie. But, do buy the soundtrack
Bridesmaids: It’s not that it wasn’t funny. It really was. And I LOVED all the Wilson Phillips. It’s just that . . . watching someone’s life hit rock bottom kind hit a little too close to home. I probably cried as much as I laughed.
Cedar Rapids: Um . . . not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what I go. This was a strange film and not in a good way.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: This my favorite movie of the year. It may be in my top 10 favorite movies ever. I loved, loved, loved it. I laughed, I cried, I saw Ryan Gosling shirtless. What more could I want?
Everything Must Go: I have an undying love for Will Ferrell. He is hilarious. When he did Stranger than Fiction, it was different than his other movies and I loved it. I thought this movie would be in the same vein. It wasn’t. It wasn’t horrible, but I wouldn’t call it good either.
Hall Pass: Ugh. I saw this on HBO a few weeks ago. Joe and I just left it there because it came on after something else we were watching and both of us haven’t seen it. I wish I would have just poked my eye with a Q-Tip instead. I would have had more fun.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2: Sigh. Bittersweet. In more ways than one. As a purist, I didn’t like some of the changes they made. However, over all, they did a great job of ending the series. If anyone every tries to remake it, I’ll kill them.
Horrible Bosses: Loved this movie. Thought it was hilarious.
Just Go with It: Another movie we saw on Starz, just to see. Meh. I love how Adam Sandler just makes movies just to make ‘em these days. No thought to the fact that they are garbage.
No Strings Attached: This was one of Heidi’s 3 picks for the year before she left. Despite the fact that Ashton Kutcher is in this movie, I didn’t hate it. I woudn’t own it or anything, but I’d watch it on F/X if I was bored.
One Day: I LOVED this book. Lucky for me, I had enough distance from when I read the book and saw the movie to not hate the movie. It was hard for me to get on board with Anne Hathaway. Sometimes I love her in movies, sometimes not.
Our Idiot Brother: I’ve said before, Paul Rudd can do no wrong in my eyes. This movie is pretty quirky, but I really liked it.
The Debt: Meh. Interesting enough to watch.
The Dilemma: I couldn;t even make it through the whole thing, it was horrendous. Then, stupid Joe, he wanted to watch it when we were in Minnesota, so I got to see the ending. This movie isn’t worth the sentences I just wrote about it.
The Hangover: Part II: Bleck. Why must Hollywood ruin everything? Couldn’t the first movie just be awesome and stop there?
Young Adult: Yeah. We saw this when we were in Minnesota and basically the best parts of this movie are Patrick Wilson and the fact that people in the small town call Minneapolis the “Mini-Apple”. Otherwise . . . cliched, predictable and boring.

Movies I wanted to see, but, for whatever reason, didn’t:

50/50
Beginners
Hesher
Martha Marcy May Marlene
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
The Adjustment Bureau
The Ides of March
Your Highness

A little sparse, huh? I guess I did make up for my lack of movie going by going to more shows than I can recall. And that was fun. Maybe this year, I could do both?!

What was your favorite movie this past year?

I have desperately tried to find the words to describe my year. It’s been quite a year. I have been disappointed in myself for being unable to find my words. There is so much to say, so much that has happened. Yet, I have no words.

I finally decided I have to forgive myself and let it go. Because maybe I’m just not that girl anymore. After this year, I’m not a lot of things I thought I was. Writing that last sentence just made me cry. That’s one example of the changes I’ve been through.

Right here. Here is where I always get stuck. I may have realized that it has less to do with words and more to do with what happens when my mind begins to wander over the events of the last 12 months. It’s all so overwhelming. Such a hopeful start I had. I feel sick reading that. I miss her. I miss what I thought 2011 was going to be.

Next Wednesday I have my first therapy of 2012, followed by friend-date night with Kristen. We’re going to work on shaping what we want our 2012 to look like.

Maybe I’ll find some hope again. Maybe this time it won’t be lost.

This is very weird to me, because I always say birthdays don’t really matter to me. I say I don’t want a party or a present or a dinner or some sort of public display. And I don’t. I truly do not want any of that.

However, I am beginning to realize that birthdays do matter to me in some ways. I guess I realized that I feel like my birthday is my only day I am allowed to be selfish. The only day people only want to talk about me and what I am doing. No one tells me their problems-cause it’s my birthday. They don’t want to ruin my day. They all call me and for a few minutes, it’s all about me. And I can pick the music we listen to while playing a game. I can chose what we have for dinner. I don’t have to work. Everything is about me and everyone is delightful.

And that’s all I want from anyone. A call. To tell me I am important. A text. Some sort of “What up! You old! I love you!”. Then, when someone doesn’t give me that, I lose it. After all I try to do for others all the time, I wasn’t important to them, even on MY day. They have failed a test they didn’t know they were taking.

Therein lies my biggest issue in life and how I relate to others. Everyone fails because they never know when something is a test with me. I say birthdays aren’t a big deal, but when you don’t call, I can never trust you again. You’ve let me down, just like everyone else. And now, I must push you away.

It’s impossible to win with me. I make it so damn hard. I set everyone up for failure. I never let anyone in, I never allow anyone to take care of me in any way, yet when something comes up and am bowled over, I don’t understand why no one helps me up. Duh. I’ve trained them that way, then tested them on opposite material.

Everyone fails. Even me.

Birthdays are important to me, I guess. Maybe not in the same way as some people, but they are important. I guess I should start telling people that.

Remember how I said basically said that Michael and Heidi were the only people that could ever make me feel happy on my birthday? Yeah, well, Michael and Heidi are the only people who didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Maybe it was foolishness on my part, but I honestly did expect a text from Michael. It was only 2 days before my birthday that we texted about a hilarious Harry Potter shirt I saw. We’ve been on friendly-ish terms. Surely he would send me a simple text message that read “Happy Birthday”? But he didn’t. And it hurt.

Michael, at least, has an excuse-we broke up. He doesn’t owe me anything, no matter how much it means to me. Heidi, on the other hand, well . . . that hurts worse. She is supposed to be my best friend. We have talked endlessly as to how hard this birthday was going to be for me-without Michael, without her, turning 30. She knew better than anyone how I was feeling, but I got nothing from her. I don’t know why. It wasn’t until the next day, after JOE had to text her asking her why she did that to me, that she called and left me a voicemail. Basically she said that she had tried to call twice, it went straight to voicemail and she thought I would see the missed calls. Really? Who wouldn’t leave a voicemail? And she knew damn well I was flying that day, so of course it went straight to voicemail. And when my phone is off, I most certainly do NOT see missed calls. I have been struggling for days to get past my hurt and anger, but I have not been successful. If anything, it reinforces my idea that when I let people in, all they do is hurt me.

I did, however, do a pretty good job of not allowing the events of my birthday affect the rest of my weekend.

Being in New Mexico was a roller coaster of emotions. I came to a shocking realization: New Mexico is no longer “home”. Sure, the majority of my family lives there and it’s where I grew up, but it isn’t “home” anymore, Seattle is. It was a thrilling and scary thought.

I saw a lot of people-more people than I usually ever see when I slink into town. I had an awesome 11 year High School reunion with the handful of people I went to High School with that I actually care about. It was such a delight to see my OG (original Gay) Frankie. You know you have a great friendship with someone when 11 years pass, but it feels like only a few minutes. We are both older and wiser and infinitely more awesome. We had a great night of bar hopping and drag show watching. AND we saw Amanda Lepore!!! I know, so fucking cool. It was an awesome night:

After staying out until 1 AM and being cockblocked by Jesus Justin Beiber (seriously, I was thisclose to kissing a boy!), I was on the road by 7:30 am heading to Santa Fe for Grandpa Breakfast. Besides the fact that breakfast was delicious and my grandparents were hilarious, sitting at their table a huge bubble of calm enveloped me. There is so much change in my life. Constant change and, as I have mentioned many, many times, changes is ridiculously hard for me. Yet, sitting there, at my grandparents house, everything was the same. Maybe little things had changed here and there, but everything was the same as it has been my whole life and that felt amazing. I can’t even describe how awesome I felt sitting there.

The rest of the weekend was filled with my newphews and my sister and the rest of my family. Hanging out, laughing, playing cards and feeling love. I felt a lot of love. Those nephews of mine, man, they just melt my heart.

And now I am home. Home, home. I have my cats and my music. It isn’t much, but it’s working right now and that’s all I can really ask for.

Those are ABQ's famous hot air balloons

To be completely honest, though, I feel no trepidation about this. Also, to be completely honest, I feel a little robbed by that.

I think it would feel pretty “normal” if I was freaking out over turning 30. I know that normal is one of the most ridiculous words, yet, so many of us have the same idea of what normal means (but I kind of love that no one I know fits into that). I guess maybe if I were scared of turning 30 it would mean I wouldn’t be feeling all the other things I am feeling.

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of birthdays. Never have been. I am uncomfortable with any sort of “celebration” of me. Every once in a blue moon, I feel the need to celebrate and that’s always fun, but generally, I would prefer it to be a day like any other. That’s why, this year, I am grateful that I will be at home alone and then, traveling most of the day.

I am glad to be going home. Not excited, not reluctant, but just glad. I’m glad I won’t be here.

The thing is . . . the things is, that no matter how I celebrated my birthday with other people, the way I celebrated my birthday with Michael was very special. And then, the way I celebrated my birthday with Heidi was special. It’s a hard pill to swallow that I will not see either of them tomorrow. To be perfectly honest, they are the only 2 people I would give anything to see tomorrow. Since that is something I can’t have, being alone will be best for me.

I will have a nice time in New Mexico, though. On Friday, I will meet up with my friend Cara (we’ve been friends for 15 years!) and a few other people I haven’t seen since high school. Saturday is a double whammy of Grandpa breakfast and a good ole’ fashioned Gonzales Family throwdown. Sunday will just be a day to relax with my sister and nephews. Monday I will spend some of the day with my sister in Santa Fe and some of it heading back to Albuquerque, maybe meeting up with another old friend. And that’s it. It’s home again on Tuesday.

Today is the last day of my 20′s. I don’t know how other people celebrate the last day of their 20′s. I imagine they do something much cooler than going to work, packing, then going to bed early. That works for me, though.

That’s all that matters.