A very Merry Un-Birthday

10 04 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

I have been thinking a lot about birthdays. Obviously, because my birthday was kind of a disaster and I am having a hard time getting over it.

This is very weird to me, because I always say birthdays don’t really matter to me. I say I don’t want a party or a present or a dinner or some sort of public display. And I don’t. I truly do not want any of that.

However, I am beginning to realize that birthdays do matter to me in some ways. I guess I realized that I feel like my birthday is my only day I am allowed to be selfish. The only day people only want to talk about me and what I am doing. No one tells me their problems-cause it’s my birthday. They don’t want to ruin my day. They all call me and for a few minutes, it’s all about me. And I can pick the music we listen to while playing a game. I can chose what we have for dinner. I don’t have to work. Everything is about me and everyone is delightful.

And that’s all I want from anyone. A call. To tell me I am important. A text. Some sort of “What up! You old! I love you!”. Then, when someone doesn’t give me that, I lose it. After all I try to do for others all the time, I wasn’t important to them, even on MY day. They have failed a test they didn’t know they were taking.

Therein lies my biggest issue in life and how I relate to others. Everyone fails because they never know when something is a test with me. I say birthdays aren’t a big deal, but when you don’t call, I can never trust you again. You’ve let me down, just like everyone else. And now, I must push you away.

It’s impossible to win with me. I make it so damn hard. I set everyone up for failure. I never let anyone in, I never allow anyone to take care of me in any way, yet when something comes up and am bowled over, I don’t understand why no one helps me up. Duh. I’ve trained them that way, then tested them on opposite material.

Everyone fails. Even me.

Birthdays are important to me, I guess. Maybe not in the same way as some people, but they are important. I guess I should start telling people that.

Category:

disasters, How did we get here?, jenisays, real post, sad lou, Secret Shames

A new home

09 23 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

I am still trying to sort out all I feel about my birthday and my trip home.

Remember how I said basically said that Michael and Heidi were the only people that could ever make me feel happy on my birthday? Yeah, well, Michael and Heidi are the only people who didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Maybe it was foolishness on my part, but I honestly did expect a text from Michael. It was only 2 days before my birthday that we texted about a hilarious Harry Potter shirt I saw. We’ve been on friendly-ish terms. Surely he would send me a simple text message that read “Happy Birthday”? But he didn’t. And it hurt.

Michael, at least, has an excuse-we broke up. He doesn’t owe me anything, no matter how much it means to me. Heidi, on the other hand, well . . . that hurts worse. She is supposed to be my best friend. We have talked endlessly as to how hard this birthday was going to be for me-without Michael, without her, turning 30. She knew better than anyone how I was feeling, but I got nothing from her. I don’t know why. It wasn’t until the next day, after JOE had to text her asking her why she did that to me, that she called and left me a voicemail. Basically she said that she had tried to call twice, it went straight to voicemail and she thought I would see the missed calls. Really? Who wouldn’t leave a voicemail? And she knew damn well I was flying that day, so of course it went straight to voicemail. And when my phone is off, I most certainly do NOT see missed calls. I have been struggling for days to get past my hurt and anger, but I have not been successful. If anything, it reinforces my idea that when I let people in, all they do is hurt me.

I did, however, do a pretty good job of not allowing the events of my birthday affect the rest of my weekend.

Being in New Mexico was a roller coaster of emotions. I came to a shocking realization: New Mexico is no longer “home”. Sure, the majority of my family lives there and it’s where I grew up, but it isn’t “home” anymore, Seattle is. It was a thrilling and scary thought.

I saw a lot of people-more people than I usually ever see when I slink into town. I had an awesome 11 year High School reunion with the handful of people I went to High School with that I actually care about. It was such a delight to see my OG (original Gay) Frankie. You know you have a great friendship with someone when 11 years pass, but it feels like only a few minutes. We are both older and wiser and infinitely more awesome. We had a great night of bar hopping and drag show watching. AND we saw Amanda Lepore!!! I know, so fucking cool. It was an awesome night:

 

After staying out until 1 AM and being cockblocked by Jesus Justin Beiber (seriously, I was thisclose to kissing a boy!), I was on the road by 7:30 am heading to Santa Fe for Grandpa Breakfast. Besides the fact that breakfast was delicious and my grandparents were hilarious, sitting at their table a huge bubble of calm enveloped me. There is so much change in my life. Constant change and, as I have mentioned many, many times, changes is ridiculously hard for me. Yet, sitting there, at my grandparents house, everything was the same. Maybe little things had changed here and there, but everything was the same as it has been my whole life and that felt amazing. I can’t even describe how awesome I felt sitting there.

The rest of the weekend was filled with my newphews and my sister and the rest of my family. Hanging out, laughing, playing cards and feeling love. I felt a lot of love. Those nephews of mine, man, they just melt my heart.

And now I am home. Home, home. I have my cats and my music. It isn’t much, but it’s working right now and that’s all I can really ask for.

Those are ABQ's famous hot air balloons

Category:

family, Good Stuff, How did we get here?, pictures, real post, sad lou

The last day

09 14 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

Comments Off

Today is the last day of my 20′s.

To be completely honest, though, I feel no trepidation about this. Also, to be completely honest, I feel a little robbed by that.

I think it would feel pretty “normal” if I was freaking out over turning 30. I know that normal is one of the most ridiculous words, yet, so many of us have the same idea of what normal means (but I kind of love that no one I know fits into that). I guess maybe if I were scared of turning 30 it would mean I wouldn’t be feeling all the other things I am feeling.

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of birthdays. Never have been. I am uncomfortable with any sort of “celebration” of me. Every once in a blue moon, I feel the need to celebrate and that’s always fun, but generally, I would prefer it to be a day like any other. That’s why, this year, I am grateful that I will be at home alone and then, traveling most of the day.

I am glad to be going home. Not excited, not reluctant, but just glad. I’m glad I won’t be here.

The thing is . . . the things is, that no matter how I celebrated my birthday with other people, the way I celebrated my birthday with Michael was very special. And then, the way I celebrated my birthday with Heidi was special. It’s a hard pill to swallow that I will not see either of them tomorrow. To be perfectly honest, they are the only 2 people I would give anything to see tomorrow. Since that is something I can’t have, being alone will be best for me.

I will have a nice time in New Mexico, though. On Friday, I will meet up with my friend Cara (we’ve been friends for 15 years!) and a few other people I haven’t seen since high school. Saturday is a double whammy of Grandpa breakfast and a good ole’ fashioned Gonzales Family throwdown. Sunday will just be a day to relax with my sister and nephews. Monday I will spend some of the day with my sister in Santa Fe and some of it heading back to Albuquerque, maybe meeting up with another old friend. And that’s it. It’s home again on Tuesday.

Today is the last day of my 20′s. I don’t know how other people celebrate the last day of their 20′s. I imagine they do something much cooler than going to work, packing, then going to bed early. That works for me, though.

That’s all that matters.

Category:

family, GNN, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou

I would say this sums it up

09 07 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

These are the songs I have been listening to on repeat.

( Note: you should buy albums from all these people because they amaze me. )


Tony Kevin Jr. : Let You Down


Bryan John Appleby: Words of the Revelator
(There was no youtube video I could find. Crazy.)


Hot Bodies in Motion: 15-8


The Local Strangers: All Along


Dawn Mitschele: Anchor


Bon Iver: I Can’t Make You Love Me/Nick of Time

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Category:

jenisays, Miscellaneous, music, sad lou

Lost at Sea, waiting for rescuing*

09 02 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

So. This should come as a surprise to no one, but . . . I hate change. I have a really, really hard time with change of any kind. It probably has to do with my need to control everything, but when change starts to happen, I really freak out. Usually internally, but sometimes, when I have a lot of change happening at once or really big changes, I have mental breakdowns in front of actual humans.

As you can imagine, all the change that 2011 has wrought has not been good for me. And actually, I have done a pretty good job handling it all. Losing the love I thought was “forever” love, losing my home, losing who I thought I was, who I thought I would be. I’ve done OK. It hasn’t been easy and I have definitely had my moments (and I will have more), but I have done better than I ever would have predicted.

I always said that when you break-up with someone (especially a marriage or someone you lived with), the hardest part is losing that friendship. Michael is a person I saw everyday. I told him my stories. He got to hear my daily wins and my daily struggles. We always had plans together, basically every night. I could always count on him to go to any concert with me and he always knew I would take him to the casino and be his designated driver. It hurts to lose that friendship. There are so many things that just he and I shared. There are so many things that happen everyday that I find myself saying “I wish I could tell Michael about that”. But I can’t. I lost my “forever” love and I lost my best friend.

Though, like I said, I have been doing OK with that.

However. Yes, there is a however.

However, this next big change in my life, this next loss . . . I am not sure I can survive it.

As of next Saturday, Heidi is leaving Seattle to move back to Boise. Once again, I am losing my best friend (who knew that could happen twice in 1 year?)

It’s not that I haven’t known this was coming. Heidi and I have talked for well over a year about her moving back there. I have just avoided thinking of what it would mean to me when it actually happened.

Now it’s actually happening.

The thing is . . . I really have no other friends. Sure, I have interested parties. People I see at concerts or an occasional blogger meet-up. My oldest Seattle friend, Tim is here, but we don’t really hang out as much since we started working together again. And yes, my brothers live here and I love it, I really, really do. But it isn’t the same.

I have no one to go get pedicures with.

I have no one that would love to just come over, sit on my couch and watch Sex and The City for hours on end, while my cats snuggle up against them.

I have no one to listen to records with and make jokes with about calling a phone number that is over 30 years old.

I have no one I trust enough to cry in front of.

I have no one who knows me well enough to know that sometimes, I need a little space and it’s OK

I have no one to surprise me at how well she knows me . . .knows things about me I didn’t know about myself

I know, I know. Heidi isn’t dying, she’s moving. But I’ve moved. It’s different. It changes everything. When I am having a bad day, I can’t just take a break and see her in 5 minutes. The distance changes things. Sometimes, it makes things stronger. Dawn and I got so much closer after I moved away from New Mexico. I am just afraid, that, at this point in our lives, it’s not going to work that way.

She and I have been through so much. We sometimes feel like 2 friends that have been through a war together. Only her and I know what it was really like. It’s impossible to find another friend like her. It’s impossible to find anything close.

And I don’t have to replicate the friendship, but it would be nice to have some facsimile of it. It’s so exhausting being so lonely. Part of the reason I have been able to deal with the changes this year is because I had Heidi. We are past the point of getting to know each other. We can sit there and just be. We can lay on the couch, not say a word to each other and listen to Kris Orlowski sing “Waiting” over 30 times in a row (seriously, we did that). Starting over feels impossible. Especially at this point, where I feel too guarded. Because I feel I have to be guarded, I have to protect my very vulnerable, overly sensitive heart.

I am just so scared of being alone. And I feel really, really alone right now.

*Duh. Kris Orlowski lyrics. My favorite song.

Category:

disasters, How did we get here?, music, real post, sad lou

An Anniversary of sorts

08 09 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

In 8 years, I never realized that I did something sort of cool. I actually never even thought about it, until it dawned on me that my 10 year and 8 year anniversary were so close in date. Last night, I looked through my old journals and confirmed on the 2001 and 2003 calendar, that, yes in fact August 10th is a very magical day for me. (And in fact, I realized another reason it will be significant this year! Whoa).

On August 10th, 2001, I got in a car with my dad and drove for 2 days straight to Connecticut. I left New Mexico, where I grew up, I left all my family and friends and I have never looked back.

On August 10th, 2003, I got in a car alone and drove for a day and a half to Olympia, WA. I actually left from New Mexico, where I had spent 2 weeks helping my sister plan her wedding and just, generally, spending time with those family and friends I had left behind 2 years before.

Finally, I just realized that on August 10th, 2011, 10 years after I left home for the first time, I will be attending my first therapy session. Cause me? I’m kind of broken.

I never planned the August 10th thing. As I said, I just realized last night that it worked out that day. It’s kind of crazy, though, right?

10 years. I left home 10 years ago. That number feels huge to me. Especially because I sometimes feel like those 10 years have just flown by.

Yet, a lot of things have happened in those 10 years. I have lived in 2 different states, 6 different houses/apartments, 2 new grays, 2 long-term relationships, 1 “divorce”, lost friends, found friends, new friends, some very hard times and some really great ones.

I can’t help think that I spent the majority of those years with Michael.

But I do want to say that I am proud of myself. Most people I went to High School with never even left New Mexico. And, if that’s a choice they made, then I can’t judge them or feel superior. Hell, some of them have traveled more and had more adventures than I have ever dreamed of. I just find it kind of crazy! There is so much here in this world to see and do. I personally think every person should move away from the place they grew up for at least 2 years. I think it can be so freeing. I felt freed when I left. And since I have been here in Seattle, I have still felt free. I had no idea. I just got it in my head that Seattle was where I wanted to be. I moved here with a car full of clothes. I had no job and no place to live. My uncle let me stay in the camper in his back yard. I just came here and built a life from scratch. I think it’s ok to be proud of that.

It’s awesome that I have found my place. Seattle is really, truly my place. No matter what drama happens in my life, I feel great about being in Seattle. I love all this city has given me. I love everything I have never done (but will definitely get to in the next 10 years). I love the people here. I love the music here. And yes, I LOVE the weather here.

Now I have to start thinking about the next 10 years. Especially now that I turn 30 (!) next month. I need to stop doing things that hurt me and people I love. I need to find a job I love. I need to spend more time with the Seattle music scene (no, I do. I promise that going to a show almost every night is not enough time). I need to volunteer for a cause I believe in. I need to be better. I want to be better.

I think it’s fitting that I will spend my 30th birthday traveling back to New Mexico for a long weekend. No matter how happy I am in Seattle, a part of me will always be in New Mexico. That place and those that I love there helped build the foundation that is me.

And you can’t build anything without a foundation.

Category:

family, Good Stuff, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, How did we get here?, real post

Obsessions

08 03 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

So . . .there is something I have been obsessing over in my mind lately. And the reason it’s only been in my mind is because I am kind of embarrassed to talk about it (I know. Me. Embarrassed. That’s hard to do). So, I decided to blog it. (Ha! Hilarious).

I guess I should just come out and say it.

For the last 7 years of my life, I have only had sex with 1 person. AND THAT TERRIFIES ME.

Of course, it might be important to add that mentally and emotionally, I am no where close to the place where I am ready to date or have random sex. Not close in the slightest. However, I am a fan of sex. And, I mean, when you are in a 7 year relationship, you get to have a lot of it. Then suddenly you get none. Then you start freaking out. . . .

I just feel like . . . I am not sure how it works anymore. I mean, I had sex with Michael for 7 years. SEVEN years. One person. I know what he likes. I know what he doesn’t like. And vice versa. It freaks me out to think of being naked with anyone! I was a much younger (not to mention, much thinner) person when I started seeing Michael. I was also a lot more open. I have slutty days in my past. Which, ok, maybe isn’t that great emotionally, but can be very freeing sexually. Sex seemed less of a big deal. Now I feel like it’s this horrible monster lurking in the dark, ready to . . . .well, humiliate me.

I am certain I am not the only person who has ever thought this, but for some reason, it’s been really bothering me. I am sure there is something deeper, as well. The thought of being so intimate with someone else. Someone not Michael. Someone who could hurt me.

I was telling Heidi the other day that I have never had a “normal” relationship. I have never really dated.  Seriously. I have [what I would consider] dated one person in my life. Otherwise, in High School, I slept around, never dated. In college, I was in a relationship with one person, whom I never actually dated, we were just, together. And then Michael. Whom I didn’t date either because he was married and when he wasn’t anymore, we, basically, got married. We were living together 1 month after he moved out of his wife’s house. So, I don’t know how to date. I don’t know how to be with someone for 3 months and just say “hey, this doesn’t seem to work, let’s go our own way” without that being devastating. And I don’t like to play games. I feel like dating is some big game. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to have to pretend to be aloof if I really like someone. And I don’t really know the word ‘tact’ when it comes to not liking someone.

Like I said, this is all pretty premature, as I am in no way ready for any dating. Still. I worry. Because THAT? That I am good at.

Also, there is this:

Category:

How did we get here?, music, real post, Secret Shames