2009 Movies

So, last year, I did a post on all the movies we saw in 2008. I also talked about being less selfish and going to see Michael and Heidi’s picks. Although, Michael only used 1 pick and I think Heidi only used 2. Over all, I think it was a good plan. I thought we saw a TON of movies this year, but it turns out, we only saw 20. 5 more than last year. I did think that this year turned out some amazing shows. So far, I am not sure what I should be looking forward to in 2010. Although, I am sure Heidi will want to see Valentine’s Day. Damn her.

So, the movies I saw:

(500) Days Of Summer: I really loved this move. Joseph Gordon Levitt is just a delight. Even the cheesy music montage in the middle of the film touched my feeling.
Away We Go: Love, love, love. There wasn’t one thing about this movie I disliked. And the score gave me Alexi Murdoch, so you can’t go wrong there.
The Blind Side: We saw this Christmas Eve with my dad and Audrey. It was their pick. I will admit, though, it was a good movie and I am glad I saw it. But I didn’t cry. My heart of stone endures.
Brothers: It was OK. I didn’t exactly like the ending. The cast was awesome, though. They all did a spectacular job.
Bruno: So not as funny as it should have been.
Duplicity: It was cute, I guess. I got bored watching it, though. Sometimes, Clive Owen can go wrong.
Funny People: I will admit, I love anything Judd Apatow does. This movie was fantastic. It’s hilarious, dark, dramatic and so, so interesting. Loved every long, long minute of it.
The Hangover: Michael didn’t want to see this movie. However, we ended up seeing it 5 times in the theater. It was beyond hilarious. I will never forget that night Michael, Heidi and I saw it for the first time. We left that theater sore from laughter.
Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince: Well, the movie was well done. I was, however, disappointed with 2 things: 1) they put in an extra scene that served no damn purpose and then 2) they did not give Dumbeldore a proper funeral. Otherwise, it’s one of the best Harry Potter movies.
He’s Just Not That Into You: Heidi forced me to watch this. And I am sad I did. Despite it’s all star cast, the premise made me want to kill myself. No one I know acts like these people.
I Love You, Man: Hilar. Just so funny and delightful.
Love Happens: Yeah. This movie, is a trick. On a couple of levels. FYI: NOT a romantic comedy. Or a romantic drama. I left the theater wanting to stick my head in the oven. Dawn has been warned she isn’t allowed to see it. The other fraud is, that not matter how many aerial shots of Seattle you have, this was not filmed here in Seattle.
My Sister’s Keeper: Loved the book. The movie sucked. And they changed the ending. And Cameron Diaz tried way too hard.
New Moon: Ed and I got drunk. I barely recall that afternoon of humiliation.
Observe And Report: Oh Seth Rogen, how I love you. Also, filmed in Albuquerque, so I loved that. Totally dark and I loved it.
Paper Heart: Good movie. I was bothered that I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.
The Proposal: I was surprised I didn’t hate this movie. It was cute and even though the ending kind of angered me, I liked it.
Sherlock Holmes: The last movie of 2009 I saw. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law can’t be wrong. About half way through, I thought “This is NOT what I signed up for”, but, in the end, it was perfection.
Up in the Air: I also saw this with my dad and Audrey. Hilarious, since the main character could be my dad. Loved it. This movie was just so well done.
Where The Wild Things Are: Well. The visuals we amazing. The kid was awesome. We were bored to tears.

There were a few movies I missed. Movies I plan on seeing ASAP.

Adam
An Education
A Single Man
Humpday
The Invention of Lying
Management
Wendy and Lucy

Bring it on, 2010!

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Christmas Day

The house is quiet and I am up alone. Like many Christmases of childhood past, I am up early, too anxious to stay asleep.

My thoughts drift to my family. Ed. The only one who will wake up in my mom’s house this morning. He will have to be there for all of us, opening stocking presents, delight in our traditional candies, smile happily at all the presents and watch as our mom pretends to like our gift. She never likes our gift, that is a tradition too.

My sister is at home with her family. My nephews up early, like me, excited because Santa came again with more presents than they ever thought possible. They will laugh and scream with delight, tearing off paper, discovering the exact thing they’ve always wanted. My sister will sip her coffee, take pictures and soak up the happiness on her boy’s face. Some of that happiness will transfer to her, but there is still a small hole of loneliness.  A hole that misses Jim, her siblings and her father. She will smile and laugh with the kids, but she will also cry a little inside, for those who can’t be there to watch her amazing children with her.

Joe went to Utah. I can’t pretend to know him anymore. To know why he does what he does. But the part of me that thinks I still know him-the parts of him that no one else ever could-that part, thinks he went to Utah to escape. To escape the Christmas that never should have been. Our family, broken, unable to celebrate the holiday the way we all wished we were. Part of me thinks he went because he knows he did this, he knows I didn’t come home for Christmas as planned because of him. He knows that Ed, my sister and I are alone today because he has torn our family to pieces.

I am here in Seattle. Michael sleeps in the next room. It’s too dark to see what cats are around me, but they are here. Soon my dad will come over and we’ll open gifts, play games, eat food and laugh. It will be nice, but it won’t be the Christmas I have been imagining all year. I guess I should prepare myself that Christmas will never be the same again. If the last six months are any indication, I will never have a traditional Christmas again. I guess it’s time to find new traditions.

Dawn, Joe, Ed and I make each other better people. We are all strong individuals, but we are unstoppable when we are all together.

This Christmas isn’t the end of the world. It’s one Christmas in the dozens we’ll have in a lifetime. Today, it’s hard. Soon, it will be forgotten.

There is always next year.

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Yesterday, today and tomorrow

Last night, Michael and I exchanged presents with each other, shopped for Christmas and cleaned the house.

Today, I anxiously await picking up my dad and step-mom from the airport.

Tomorrow, I will miss my sister, nephews, grandparents, brothers, mom, Tim, Heidi and all those I love I won’t get to see. I will enjoy a relaxing time at my house with my boyfriend and parents. I will think fondly of all the friends I have made this year.

I live a very blessed life. I have so, so much. For all my complaining, I have so much more than most people have and I am so very grateful for it all.

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The Principal

It wasn’t until I was in middle school that our school system started doing “in service” days. You know, those wonderful Fridays you had no classes, but the teachers had to work. I loved those days.

However, on this particular in service day, I had to go to school. I was in drama and dance and we had a dance competition coming up. We had to practice. My mom dropped me off in front of the school and told me she was going to stop by the office, since she had recently volunteered to help the PTA.

We practiced for hours. It was fun. Afterwards, we were all standing outside, chatting, waiting for our parents. Soon, though, I was the only one there. Me and our dance coach, who was anxious to leave. I saw our Principal’s Bronco in his spot, so I told her I’d go into the office and call my mom. When I got closer, I saw my mom’s van parked on the other side of the Bronco. Apparently, she’d been here the whole time. I told my coach she was here and went inside to find her.

The moment I walked into the office, I felt the air change. I couldn’t quite place what I noticed, what I was feeling, but whatever it was, it wasn’t good. I heard a noise come from the principal’s office, so I went over and knocked on the door. There seemed to be a lot of sudden movement inside, but I couldn’t place why that would be unusual or weird.

When he opened the door, I saw my mom inside. Me, being me, I walked right in, sat down at his conference table and started talking. My mom cut me off however and said we had to get going.

When we got home, my mom went straight back to her room and got on the phone (it was the only place we had a phone in our small house). Something was amiss, but I didn’t know what. I hovered outside her door. I caught snippets of the conversation:

“I don’t know what that was, but I liked it”

“We need to figure this out”

“Yes, I will be there in 10 minutes”

Sure enough, my mom  came out of her room and told me I needed to keep an eye on my brothers while she met a coworker to drop off some stuff. She was gone for 3 hours. Her coworker, called 10 times while she was gone. Wondering where she was. She, obviously, didn’t go meet him. Something wasn’t sitting right with me, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Continue reading “The Principal”

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To change or not to change

I have been thinking a lot about me lately. My flaws and weaknesses. My strengths. Why I am the way I am. How I have changed for better or worse.

I wish I could say this is about self-reflection, the new year or trying to grow and be a better person. But, it’s about him. Everything is about him. I need him. I need to do whatever I can do to get him back (save pretending to be his ex-girlfriend. Dumbass).

I am not sure the best way to go about this. I tend to start things and not finish them. Especially when I have to take a long hard look at myself. For now, the general plan will be to list out what I think all my flaws/weaknesses/strengths are and then, to look back. Look at how I got here. I want to write stories of my life that may or may not be significant. I know I can’t pinpoint the moment “Oh! If I would have just veered right, instead of left, it would all be OK”, but I can try to find where certain behaviors started and maybe figure out why.

Basically, my blog just became therapy and anyone who reads it became unwilling participants.

I have thought about therapy, real therapy, but I know I am not quite there. Last time I did it, I wasn’t honest, I didn’t listen to her and I didn’t change one tiny bit. I have too much trouble opening up to people. Even people I am closest too.

Hopefully this won’t be ALL I write about, but writing helps. Which is why I have felt so frustrated lately. I haven’t been able to put words to anything and it’s been hurting me. I feel like if I start to look back, tell stories I’ve told a million times (thank you Gonzales genes), it might be easier. It might help. It can’t hurt to try.

So . . . here goes nothing:

The list of me, as I see it:

  1. Stubborn. Unrelentingly stubborn. It’s worse than a fault. It can and has been crippling me
  2. Mean, mean, mean. I can be so mean and so cold if I don’t like you. There is no reason to be so mean.
  3. Generous. I try to give as much as I can to the people I love. However, sometimes, when it comes to “things” I try too hard. I think I use money and presents to buy love, much like my parents did with me, though they each did it in different ways.
  4. Fiercely loyal. . .
  5. . . . though, to willing to cut someone out of my life whom I think has wronged me or a loved one. I also tend to do this, if I think there might be some argument between us. I’d prefer to cut you out first, before you can do it to me.
  6. Too demanding. I expect way too much out of people, it’s impossible for them not to fail me
  7. I am very insightful and give great advice to friends and family. I tend to be the person most people turn to.
  8. I am more sensitive than I let on. This is a weakness in my eyes, but maybe a good thing if I ever let people know it
  9. I am so, so lazy. Once I get going, I kick ass, but it takes A LOT to get me going. So. Lazy.
  10. I am very self-aware. I don’t always use this to make myself better, but I am very aware of all my bullshit

I am certain there is so much I can add to this list, but it’s a start.

Hopefully the start of something good.

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It’s all I have

It’s time for bullet points. It’s the most I can give.

  1. I am so excited because a journal I have wanted FOREVER from Sweet Bella went on sale today. It’s the little things in life. . .
  2. My girl, LSL, sent me a mix CD, chocolate and a little note. This pretty much made my week, if not month.
  3. Apparently, some people (coughJoecough) think I am sostupid, that I would use other people’s cell phones to try and contact them. Like THAT would work. “Oh! So you tricked me and lied? Well, that’s OK, even though I haven’t spoken to you in 6 months, I forgive you and will talk to you anyway!” Right. That makes soooo much sense.
  4. Holidays are coming up. I’ve done my best to get into the Holiday spirit, but, it hasn’t quite been working out.
  5. It hasn’t yet been a week, but I miss Ed.
  6. I am ready for a new tattoo
  7. I have been trying very hard to make Google Wave work for me. I don’t think I should have to try so hard, Google. Also, I have some invites if anyone wants one.
  8. Michael got The Gray cat a small heating pad, because she loves her warmth. However, I noticed last night that it has 15 pounds of fur on it and she seems to be going bald in some spots. So, I told him that it can only be kept on in a limited capacity
  9. I am still angry that I couldn’t (although, OK, I chose not to) go home for Christmas

I am not loving this post. But I am, once again, trying to push through my issues and just post it.

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What’s your secret?

As you know, I have been obsessed with Post Secret forever.

I LOVE this video. It’s done so well.

So, here is one of my secrets:

My biggest fear is that no one will ever love me the way Joe did and I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Because without him, no matter who else I have, I am alone.

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