They say it gets worse before it gets better

04 21 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

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Last night (when I couldn’t sleep, because I can’t ever sleep anymore), I was thinking about my brother and how I think he let’s this one thing define him. I am of the opinion that this thing defines him and he doesn’t know who he is without it. And it isn’t flattering. In fact, I think he would be upset or defensive if I brought it up.

I then started thinking about my other siblings and if they had something similar-something that defined them. I immediately thought what it was for each of them. Again, not flattering. I had the thought that this is what year’s of therapy is for. Figuring out that one thing that defines you that’s fundamentally wrong somehow and fixing it. At the very least, being aware of it and how you let it affect your life.

So, of course, I had to figure out what my thing was. At first, I thought it was one thing, but soon I realized that was a symptom of a bigger issue.

I need to be needed.

This is my whole life. This is every relationship I have-I need these people to need me. I need my dad to call me and give me little projects. I need Ed have me proof-read his papers and run his decisions past me. I need my boss to tell me that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. I need Heidi to come to me for advice. I needed Michael to be un-organized and clueless without me.

I have a hard time connecting with people who DON’T need me. That’s sick.

Of course this is the case. If people need me, they are less likely to abandon me, which is what I think everyone is going to do. It doesn’t help that this IS what so many people have actually done-especially men. Apparently, they needed me-but not enough. In fact, the only 2 that ever came back after leaving me for dead were blood related, so really, I have to wonder if they would have ever bothered to come back if it weren’t for that.

So really, I have to wonder why am I so easy to walk away from. Really, what is all this making people need me crap getting me? They all still walk away.

And yet . . .yet I know myself. I know that I am going to still need people to need me. It’s as much apart of me as my big feet and biting sarcasm.

I guess I’ll just have to rely on something else to make people stick around. Who knows what that is. . . .

Category:

disasters, family, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou, Secret Shames

Closer

04 12 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

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I am not sure what I expected him to say . . .

“I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye.”

I guess there was nothing else to say. He couldn’t take back the truth. His truth.

I always loved him more than he loved me. Always. From the very beginning. It was my love for him that blinded me. Part of me feels like he tricked me; like he sold me some magic beans. But then, I can’t lay all the blame at his feet. I am not perfect. I am not an easy person to love. Clearly. Look at at all the problems with friends and family I have had the last few years. I can’t pretend I didn’t play a part.

But I do love him. I believed him when he said forever. We built a home and a life and I thought it was forever. I wouldn’t have ever left him. Ever. He knows that.

“Just because I’m hurting, doesn’t mean I’m hurt; doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserved. No better and no worse”

What did I expect? He was married. I didn’t “steal” him, but I didn’t help. And I believe the seeds you plant grow into something-good and bad. Did I really think I would come out of it on top, unscathed? Life doesn’t work that way.

There was a moment. His divorce was almost final and his friend wanted to set him up. I had been sleeping with him for almost 2 years at that point, but I was so done. I had been done 6 months before, but my love (stupid, stupid love) kept me there. I told him he could date, but not me. I wasn’t going to wait around while he played house with me and dated other women. We were done. We didn’t call, email, see each other-no communication. I wasn’t happy, but I was glad I put my foot down. I stood up for myself and I had to figure it out.

And then he called me, about a month later. He said he loved me. He told me there was no one else out there like me. He said he wanted to be with me and only me.

I believed him.

3 months later we moved in together.

And I feel like I will never know if he ever really loved me or if he just made an easy choice. I will never understand how he could be so cavalier with my life. Because, for all my faults (and there are many. Oh so many), I could never do that.

I am so scared for me. I can’t imagine ever loving again. I know people say that, but I truly don’t know how I can trust someone. As I already said: every man I have ever loved has left me. That’s not an exaggeration. I wish I could say it was.

How will I ever get over that?

Category:

disasters, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou, TNT

Moving On

04 08 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

5 Pokes

It was barely 6 months ago when I wasn’t sure if Joe would ever talk to me again.

Today, we are moving in together. Life’s funny like that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (That’s a fake laugh)

Not that I’m not happy he’s here. Jeeze. Thank Gay Baby! I don’t think I would have been able to keep it together as well as I have (which is to say, not at all) if it weren’t for him. He makes me feel strong and capable. I honestly think that if he weren’t here, I would have gone home to NM, curled up in a ball and died. And if I survived, I would have regretted that. That’s not the right choice for me. He helps me see that.

This past week, while he was gone in MN, I was supposed to be moving, packing . . . disassembling my life. 7 years of a life lived as if there would be 50 more. But I haven’t been. I’ve been working late hours, playing around on my iPad and trying to sleep the lonely hours away. I just don’t want to face the task. It’s much too much.

But Joe’s back. And we are going to pack boxes and create a new home. It won’t be the same. If I know anything true about myself, it’s that I hate change. But it will be a home. A home where two lost souls (and a few Gray cats) started over from scratch.

One foot in front of the other. I guess it’s time for me to grab a fork and start eating my elephant.

Category:

family, GNN, How did we get here?, real post

Alone

04 04 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

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I am not afraid of being alone. I am not afraid to be single. Such titles or categories or statuses-or whatever you call it-have never been a big factor in my life. I have been alone and I have been single and I was always perfectly content.

I make good money. I can easily support myself (and my 3 grays). Money has never meant much to me either. I am glad I have a little. I am glad I can support myself. However, I don’t need jewelry or Coach bags to make me feel OK (No, seriously).

No, what kills me, what eats me up inside, is losing my best friend. My partner. A man I loved more than anything. A man who made me care about relationships. A man I wanted to live with forever. A man I built a life with-brick by brick. A man I let in to my life whole-heartedly and without shame. A man who my family embraced and my friends loved. The only one I let see me cry.

I never wanted marriage. That’s just not me. I didn’t play wedding when I was a little girl. I never sat around with my friends imagining what kind of guy we’d marry. I never made a list of things I wanted in a husband. But if I had . . . Michael would have fit the bill perfectly. If I had, he would have been older, blonde, curly hair, blue eyes and gayest straight man I have ever met.

I am only 29. I’ve always been so much older than my age, though. So, I guess it’s fitting that my life resembles that of a 43 year old whose husband left her after 20 years of marriage without warning or reason. Except, I guess I know the reason.

It doesn’t make it any easier.

Category:

disasters, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou, Secret Shames

6 years, 257 days = 3,525,772.596 minutes

03 28 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

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I could tell you the seconds too, but some may find that excessive.

Have you ever had someone tell you they don’t love you any more? Have you ever had it happen twice? I don’t doubt that all of have experienced it in one form or the other. It doesn’t make it feel less painful.

Every man I have ever loved has left me.

Including Michael.

This weekend he told me he didn’t love me anymore and he was leaving. And that’s it. He’s not willing to work on it in any way.

Things have been rough since January, but I never, ever believed it would come to this. I honestly believed I would grow old with him.

I guess I was wrong.

I can’t imagine how my life is supposed to look without him.

I have no idea where to go from here. I actually have no idea what I am even writing this, except maybe it makes it real. Even if I don’t want it to be. What else am I supposed to do? Never write again?

I don’t know.

I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

Category:

disasters, GNN, How did we get here?, real post, sad lou

A few more tattoos and I will have to commit and crime and go to prision to fit in

03 15 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

1 Poke

I have never been the kind of person who would censor her blog (hell, I am not the kind of person to censor 99% of what comes out of my mouth), however recent events have me reticent to write here. And not because anyone in my life has asked me not to. I just feel that I am spectator on a journey and that I have actually learned a thing or two in the past 2 years. Sometimes, it’s better to keep your big mouth shut.

So. Besides all that, my sister and I had an AWESOME visit. Seriously, we had a great time. We spent a day lazing about and watching Charmed. We had a sibling dinner. We had serious talks and ridiculous antics. We saw a 1/4 of a concert and got lost driving to Ballard. We had our Astrological charts read (seriously, folks, Rene is AWESOME) and we visited Dale at Skin and Soul to get 3 new tattoos each:

Angelic Symbol for Truth (located on the back of my left arm, directly above the elbow)

Angelic Symbol for Honesty (located on the back of my right arm, directly above the elbow)

Dawn got an Elephant (located on her right shoulder)

This is her reminder to always address the elephant in the room and to always eat your elephant one bite at a time. I LOVE the way her elephant turned out. LOVE

Dawn also got this Sun and Moon with the initials of the boys, along with a teeny tiny puzzle piece (which is for Autism Awareness). (located on her upper, left hand shoulder blade).

We both also got a small evil eye on our left wrist (for some reason, I have no pics). A great reminder not to judge others (aka giving them the evil eye).

Honestly, it was wonderful to be out of work for 6 days in a row, surrounded by the people I love most.

Alas, now it is back to work and my busy schedule. On top, of which, I need to really buckle down and focus on my Life and Health test. I need to just get it over with because then I will be done with tests for a long, long time.

Category:

Autism, family, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, Kabbalah, pictures, real post

Nothing like a little change

03 02 11'

Written by Jeni Angel

2 Pokes

So . . . there was that.

There have been some crazy things happening in my life lately. However, the story doesn’t belong to me, so it’s not my place to share the details. What I can say is this: my long lost brother is now closer to me than he has been in 7 1/2 years-both figuratively and literally.

Also? Come Sunday, all of my siblings and I will be in 1 place. It’s like a dream come true.

Dawn gets here Sunday afternoon. We have a big Monday planned too-pajamas and Charmed all day long. I know. We are pretty damn exciting.

I just have to make it through. Just 2 more, potentially, 12 hour days.

I can handle that, right?

Category:

family, How did we get here?, pictures, real post